unredeemable
To be, or not to be - that is the question.
- Jun 7, 2022
- 49
I fucked up and I don't know what to do. A few months ago, I met a woman, "Alice," in my group at IOP and we had a relationship outside of group. It started friendly, but we quickly fell for each other. She was in a poly relationship so she was free to act. I was married and could not, as much as I wanted to. But my selfish lust for her was too much. We sexted and swapped dirty pictures, high school style.
Funny thing was we both felt like what we had was so special, what we were doing pseudo-sexually cheapened it. We thought we could go on as friends, but the damage was done. She wanted to tell me so badly what she felt, but never could because she knew I couldn't say it back to her as long as I was married.
Her mental health declined until she was calling me daily about wanting to die and having a plan. I knew nothing about what could happen from a simple phone call, but when I asked the group leader from IOP to check on her because I thought she was still in the parking lot the next thing I knew she had been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital about an hour away.
I felt like an absolute rat, like I had betrayed Alice in an especially fucked up way. I still feel that way. Meanwhile I had a crisis of conscience that led me to tell my wife what had happened, ask forgiveness and recommit to working on our marriage. She was way more hurt than I imagined she would be. Thanks Asperger's.
Nevertheless, she agreed to stay with me and work on things with our marriage counselor, who we'd been seeing for about a year as things had only gotten worse. One condition was that I cut off relations with Alice completely. After breaking the vows of our marriage, I felt compelled to do as she said. It was only fair. How could my wife ever trust me with Alice still in my life?
So, I called Alice at the hospital, and tried to calmly and rationally explain why even though I cared for her very much, I couldn't have any more contact with her. And that if I was ever going to be worthy of her love someday, if my promises were ever going to mean anything, I had to honor my vows to my wife right now. She was hurt. She had every right to be. She muttered something to me before hanging up, and I felt about half an inch tall.
Fast forward two months and I now realize the reason I fell so hard and so quickly was because I was desperate for genuine human affection. I couldn't admit it to myself at the time, but my wife has been making me miserable for years. I always blamed myself, but just recently I realized I have been gaslit these last 15 years by a narcissistic bully. She systematically alienated and abused everyone in her life, especially her employees.
They all got smart and left. I stayed, and now I feel like the biggest fool of them all. I asked my wife for a trial separation on Monday and she moved out on Tuesday. I wouldn't feel anything but relief were it not for the guilt I feel about what happened to Alice. And it would be easier to contact her if I weren't scared she'd somehow get involved in a messy divorce. My wife is a divorce attorney and could make both of our lives a living hell. She'd do it, too. With a smile on her face.
Every fiber of my being wants to reach out to Alice and tell her how much I regret what happened and especially how it ended. She texted me the Saturday she got out of the hospital asking for help, but I couldn't respond for fear I'd get her involved in the divorce. I need to ask her to forgive me and tell her that I have to finish one relationship before I can even think about another one. But that I still think we could have a chance together, someday. Is a chance worth telling someone about?
My therapist says to leave her alone. That I've hurt her enough and it will just confuse the situation even more. I can see that, absolutely. It seems like the rational, reasonable thing to do and its tearing me up inside. Am I really that selfish that I'll contact her just to tell her she's got to fuck off for another six months or whatever while I get divorced? Shouldn't I just let both of us move on? Learn the lesson that I'm relationship poison and that I always hurt people I claim to love?
I want my wife out of my life for many reasons, but the main one is I don't think I can CTB if she is. I'd never want her to know, never want her to feel that because of me. No matter how much she's hurt me in the past, no one deserves that if there's a way to avoid it. For me there is. I just have to be patient.
There you have it. I've given up on thinking I understand people or how they feel. I want to believe I can give Alice some answers about why I've been avoiding her, and those answers might give her some level of comfort. But am I just selfishly trying to string her along? Is it entirely for my gratification that I get some sort of message back to let me know she's still alive? She may have just decided to CTB and not say goodbye because I might stop her again.
And maybe it's the most selfish reason of all: I can't stop thinking about her and my brain is going to continue to torture me, running through all the pros and cons over and over and over… Can someone please help me figure out what to do? My brain is too fucked up to trust with big decisions right now. The only one I can talk to about it with is my therapist, and she keeps telling me the same thing.
I'm a romantic. I want to believe in that spark of love. Alice showed it to me and I'm afraid I'll never find it again. Not like I did with her.
Sorry for the length. It's hard to be concise when things get this complicated.
Funny thing was we both felt like what we had was so special, what we were doing pseudo-sexually cheapened it. We thought we could go on as friends, but the damage was done. She wanted to tell me so badly what she felt, but never could because she knew I couldn't say it back to her as long as I was married.
Her mental health declined until she was calling me daily about wanting to die and having a plan. I knew nothing about what could happen from a simple phone call, but when I asked the group leader from IOP to check on her because I thought she was still in the parking lot the next thing I knew she had been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital about an hour away.
I felt like an absolute rat, like I had betrayed Alice in an especially fucked up way. I still feel that way. Meanwhile I had a crisis of conscience that led me to tell my wife what had happened, ask forgiveness and recommit to working on our marriage. She was way more hurt than I imagined she would be. Thanks Asperger's.
Nevertheless, she agreed to stay with me and work on things with our marriage counselor, who we'd been seeing for about a year as things had only gotten worse. One condition was that I cut off relations with Alice completely. After breaking the vows of our marriage, I felt compelled to do as she said. It was only fair. How could my wife ever trust me with Alice still in my life?
So, I called Alice at the hospital, and tried to calmly and rationally explain why even though I cared for her very much, I couldn't have any more contact with her. And that if I was ever going to be worthy of her love someday, if my promises were ever going to mean anything, I had to honor my vows to my wife right now. She was hurt. She had every right to be. She muttered something to me before hanging up, and I felt about half an inch tall.
Fast forward two months and I now realize the reason I fell so hard and so quickly was because I was desperate for genuine human affection. I couldn't admit it to myself at the time, but my wife has been making me miserable for years. I always blamed myself, but just recently I realized I have been gaslit these last 15 years by a narcissistic bully. She systematically alienated and abused everyone in her life, especially her employees.
They all got smart and left. I stayed, and now I feel like the biggest fool of them all. I asked my wife for a trial separation on Monday and she moved out on Tuesday. I wouldn't feel anything but relief were it not for the guilt I feel about what happened to Alice. And it would be easier to contact her if I weren't scared she'd somehow get involved in a messy divorce. My wife is a divorce attorney and could make both of our lives a living hell. She'd do it, too. With a smile on her face.
Every fiber of my being wants to reach out to Alice and tell her how much I regret what happened and especially how it ended. She texted me the Saturday she got out of the hospital asking for help, but I couldn't respond for fear I'd get her involved in the divorce. I need to ask her to forgive me and tell her that I have to finish one relationship before I can even think about another one. But that I still think we could have a chance together, someday. Is a chance worth telling someone about?
My therapist says to leave her alone. That I've hurt her enough and it will just confuse the situation even more. I can see that, absolutely. It seems like the rational, reasonable thing to do and its tearing me up inside. Am I really that selfish that I'll contact her just to tell her she's got to fuck off for another six months or whatever while I get divorced? Shouldn't I just let both of us move on? Learn the lesson that I'm relationship poison and that I always hurt people I claim to love?
I want my wife out of my life for many reasons, but the main one is I don't think I can CTB if she is. I'd never want her to know, never want her to feel that because of me. No matter how much she's hurt me in the past, no one deserves that if there's a way to avoid it. For me there is. I just have to be patient.
There you have it. I've given up on thinking I understand people or how they feel. I want to believe I can give Alice some answers about why I've been avoiding her, and those answers might give her some level of comfort. But am I just selfishly trying to string her along? Is it entirely for my gratification that I get some sort of message back to let me know she's still alive? She may have just decided to CTB and not say goodbye because I might stop her again.
And maybe it's the most selfish reason of all: I can't stop thinking about her and my brain is going to continue to torture me, running through all the pros and cons over and over and over… Can someone please help me figure out what to do? My brain is too fucked up to trust with big decisions right now. The only one I can talk to about it with is my therapist, and she keeps telling me the same thing.
I'm a romantic. I want to believe in that spark of love. Alice showed it to me and I'm afraid I'll never find it again. Not like I did with her.
Sorry for the length. It's hard to be concise when things get this complicated.
