My Grief Is Overwhelming

[Mi Mi]

I've mentioned on another post but this morning I literally cried while eating my raisin bran.

It started in my sleep. Awakened by a dream. I try to remember my dreams.
One...to exercise my memory
Two..to see if anything is being communicated to me.

When I was young I used to have dreams of friends and or family leaving me and me rushing trying to hurry to catch up. But when I look up they are gone so I try to figure my way on my own.

I often can repeat dreams.

But I have had a couple of these dreams recently but one thing was different.

I noticed that once I realized that they left me I don't feel fear.
I don't feel left behind.
I think oh well and move on to something else.

So in this dream in my grandmother old house I was rushing and I had items in the car of the people I was with.
I assume family.
Of course I look up and they are gone and I think it was my grandma I told omg my stuff is in the car with them and they left me. But I didn't feel sad or anxious.
I just moved on.

It woke me...and I had two thoughts.
One...I guess I'm stronger than I feel because for me to not have those feelings of sadness and fear of being left is nice. It's a feeling of knowing I'm ok with being left and I'm not chasing anyone.
Two...it still hurts but I guess just not as much as it once did.

I then just started crying.
I don't say how tired I am anymore.
I am exhausted. Exhausted all the time.

I then thought if I wanted to go to a interview I had scheduled for today.

I did get up and thought maybe after I eat I'll be ok.
But again I started crying while eating my cereal.

It was early so I decided I could go back to sleep and when I wake up I'll decide if I'll go to this interview.

By this time the tears wouldn't stop coming. I swear it's like I'm grieving.
I can feel how broken my heart is.
My mind constantly racing.
My body wants to give up and I have aches and pains.

After a little over an hour I got up and decided to go to the interview.

It's only part time but she hired me on the spot and was very nice.

Once I got home I couldn't even be a little happy for a second because even though part time is probably best for me I immediately thought will I be able to keep my place and pay bills.

And this is what I hate.
These worries are just so scary.
But I'm trying to see where things will go.
I have no real plans.
Just hoping for a miracle.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

It happens. I tend to be in waves so a few weeks in completely numb and feel nothing and then 1 week it'll be crying. Mainly through songs

Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit - reminds me 1st year of secondary school and hating it. Being alone most of the time.

Bring Me The Horizon - I don't know what to say - reminds me of cancer operation and the whole situation. The song is about a friend of Olis who died from cancer.

Linkin Park - One More Light - the last single that they put out because of Chester hanging himself. Just makes you feel not good.

Yeah it happens. I know people look at me becuase they can see the tears running down my face but I disassociate so much that even massive crowds I don't see (I only see the road).

Driving is my only "freedom" at the moment. Opening the window and having air hit your face while just driving normally I think does something . Mind is still a prison though.