My girlfriend keeps talking with her ex

[Menschenmühle]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about eight months, we've had a lovely time together, and I think our relationship has overall been a very good experience. However, there is something that keeps irking me and which I can't get out of my head. I'll provide you with details.

At the start of our relationship, I realized that my girlfriend still talks to her ex, she did way before we became together. She assures me that she now only treats him as a friend and nothing more. The problem that this so called ex keeps flirting with her, for example he wishes to send her nude pics of him and sometimes asks her to send him photos of her. besides this, she told him that she was in a relationship with me, and he responded that he doesn't recognize or respect this relationship. I told her to block this person, but she insists on not doing so, because, as she says, she doesn't want to be ungrateful towards him as she experienced many good moments with him, and blocking him would be a sign of an ingratitude from her side. She also says that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by blocking him. I catched her once saying "I love you" to him. When I confronted her about it, she responded that she only meant the word in a friendly way, and that it doesn't evoke any romantic attachement, as she also says "I love you" to her family aswell, so it's not a word exclusive to a romantic context.

I don't know how to feel about this, I feel incredibly hurt and beyond jealous, and, for a lack of a better word, I feel like a cuck. I have no intention of breaking up as I am certain that she does indeed love me and that her convos with her ex do not really have any malicious intent. But I don't know what to do, she categorically refuses my request to block him and get him out of her life. What the hell should I do about this? I don't feel like I can allow this state of affairs to continue. Despite how much I love her, I must hold on to a bit of self-dignity, don't you think? So how should I approach this?

 

[UsagiDrop]

What the hell should I do about this?

I'm saying this as gently as possible, because I know it might be hard to hear, but if you have no intentions on breaking up, then there is nothing you can do.

You drew a boundary and made how you feel clear. Your girlfriend is constantly crossing that boundary in spite of your feelings, and there is no consequence for her actions. So, why would she stop? You can't force her to stop, and you're not going to leave. Of course, she's going to do whatever she wants to. She gets to have her cake and eat another one too. Most people enjoy that.

In this case it may not be her actions towards the ex that's the problem, but talking to an ex who has stated clearly that he does not respect you or her enough to value the relationship that she is currently in and not overstep is a serious problem. To me, that communicates a lack of respect of your relationship on her end, even if she doesn't see it that way.

I won't tell you to break up with her, but have you told her what you typed here? That it makes you feel hurt, jealous, and like a cuck?

 

[Menschenmühle]

I'm saying this as gently as possible, because I know it might be hard to hear, but if you have no intentions on breaking up, then there is nothing you can do.

You drew a boundary and made how you feel clear. Your girlfriend is constantly crossing that boundary in spite of your feelings, and there is no consequence for her actions. So, why would she stop? You can't force her to stop, and you're not going to leave. Of course, she's going to do whatever she wants to. She gets to have her cake and eat another one too. Most people enjoy that.

In this case it may not be her actions towards the ex that's the problem, but talking to an ex who has stated clearly that he does not respect you or her enough to value the relationship that she is currently in and not overstep is a serious problem. To me, that communicates a lack of respect of your relationship on her end, even if she doesn't see it that way.

I won't tell you to break up with her, but have you told her what you typed here? That it makes you feel hurt, jealous, and like a cuck?

I have told her about how I feel before, but that she just can't block him because she deeply values her friendship with him, and that she doesn't want to appear ungrateful towards a person who has helped her a lot in the past. I really don't understand why she values him this much, he cheated on her before, he suggested an open relationship to her, and now he's acting like an entitled toddler who refuses to respect her new relationship. She says her behaviour stems from a deep insecurity where she just can't get someone who showed her affection before out of her life. She keeps telling me that I'm correct about the whole situation, but that she can't do anything about it, because that's her "nature" and that she has no malicious intent towards me.

 

[UsagiDrop]

She keeps telling me that I'm correct about the whole situation, but that she can't do anything about it, because that's her "nature" and that she has no malicious intent towards me.

Nature can be changed! It was my nature to be a callous and cold hearted bitch towards a certain demographic of humans before I met my partner, and when I realized my behavior was hurting him, I decided to dial it back. I still struggle but I wanted to become a better person for my partner and I did not want to hurt him. I understood that if I hurt him, I could either lose him or keep him unhappy for a very long time. Maybe there have been some parts of you that you've changed or tried to repress for your girlfriend. After all, you're on a suicide forum, but you probably at least try to recover and stick around partially for her sake, right? Being this sad can be in one's nature too, and while we may not be able to change it, the fact that people have recovered before is a sign that people can work on and improve things if they're willing to do it.

I believe that she has no malicious intent. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that there is something going on between her and her ex, but it does sound like she has some things of her own to work through. If he has done all of that to her and she still considers him someone that has "helped her out in the past," it sounds like what she could be dealing with is a trauma bond. What she doesn't seem to really understand is that the relationship is a detriment to her; the ex doesn't really care about her and he's shown that through his actions in the past and present, so how could he have "helped" her? He's using her, and he will squeeze her dry until there is nothing left because he knows that she will allow him to.

Furthermore, just because it is not her intent to hurt you, that doesn't mean that you aren't being harmed. It's still not okay for her to do this, because continuing this relationship with her ex while she knows how you feel about it is actually her hurting you with intent. This is a rough situation to be in, because I'm sure that she is hurting in her own ways as well and that makes her cling to someone from her past. Have you tried explaining to her that she should maybe be working through that insecurity instead of enabling it? It is possible to be grateful for all the great things someone has done for you, while also recognizing that the relationship is no longer healthy and needs to come to an end. It is not ungrateful for her to act in her best interest, and it's really not okay for her to hold onto her past abusers. It won't end well for her.

 

[mortuarymary]

yous gone beyond relationshi boundries. Time to dump her.

 

[SexyIncél]

tl;dr: fill up your pipeline with other gals

[...] The problem that this so called ex keeps flirting with her, for example he wishes to send her nude pics of him and sometimes asks her to send him photos of her. besides this, she told him that she was in a relationship with me, and he responded that he doesn't recognize or respect this relationship. [...]

I don't know how to feel about this, I feel incredibly hurt and beyond jealous, and, for a lack of a better word, I feel like a cuck.

Feeling cucked in this situation is normal & no shame. (Like him or not, Andrew Tate talks about how a gf probably cheated on him before he became famous. Implication: if this masculinity icon got cheated on, why should anyone else feel ashamed?)

She makes the killer mistake: says things she can't unsay. It's her 'nature' to crush your nature. And her ex's nature to enjoy your gf on his leash — humiliating & degrading you with utter disrespect

Dude needs to be castrated

I have told her about how I feel before, but that she just can't block him because she deeply values her friendship with him, and that she doesn't want to appear ungrateful towards a person who has helped her a lot in the past. I really don't understand why she values him this much, he cheated on her before, he suggested an open relationship to her, and now he's acting like an entitled toddler who refuses to respect her new relationship.

Casey Zander's models help explain the allure of cheaters & bad boys like her ex. Likely better than the rationales she tells you

After all, if he said mean things to her, she'd probably block him & cling closer to you. No, he says things that please her — at massive cost to you. It also boosts her bargaining power: you now compete against a guy who'll pounce on your every mistake

Helps to think like a business: always interview other candidates for her gf position. Benefits: makes her replaceable & increases your bargaining power. And gives you the option of acting like her beloved ex: cheating on her

She's oddly chill with being cheated on, thus invites disrespect. She clearly invites her ex to disrespect you

---

If you're more proactive: throw her back to the streets. She's a ho who no self-respecting man respects

Then if you're vindictive: find some way to humiliate the ex. Helps others by raising the cost to his predatory acts. If he's a narcissist, this is called "mortifying the narcissist"

 

[Mirrory Me]

I don't know what kind of person your girlfriend is, but this dosen't sound too good. I bet she isin't being honest, because if her ex was such a great guy or friend to her, he wouldn't ask nudes while you guys are in relationship. And if she valued whats between you two instead of him, she wouldn't give him changes to interupt. Like, what so special about him that she dosen't wanna let go off him.

 

[todienomore]

@SexyIncél nailed it


You might listen to some of this comedian's talk radio appearances, he was a genius on relationships. You dont have to agree with him its just important stuff to grapple with.



Sam Vaknin is also a great resource.

 

[todienomore]

I found the longer version of that Patrice clip. You are a step up from this scenario but I think you get how its relevant, its the same dynamics.



I think you basically need to take the time to see her for what she is without reacting, accept it completely, find peace with yourself. Maybe you have gone 'all in' with her developed limerence or a toxic twin flame fantasy (vaknin has videos on that). You need to listen to your gut and reframe things in a sane way. Then start whatever process with her from a place of strength.

Almost all women operate like what Patrice describes. Rarely some are different, probably closer to how we would like to idealize them. Operating with his playbook will keep you sane in your search for the unique ones.

 

[Labyrinth]

tl;dr: fill up your pipeline with other gals


Feeling cucked in this situation is normal & no shame. (Like him or not, Andrew Tate talks about how a gf probably cheated on him before he became famous. Implication: if this masculinity icon got cheated on, why should anyone else feel ashamed?)

She makes the killer mistake: says things she can't unsay. It's her 'nature' to crush your nature. And her ex's nature to enjoy your gf on his leash — humiliating & degrading you with utter disrespect

Dude needs to be castrated


Casey Zander's models help explain the allure of cheaters & bad boys like her ex. Likely better than the rationales she tells you

After all, if he said mean things to her, she'd probably block him & cling closer to you. No, he says things that please her — at massive cost to you. It also boosts her bargaining power: you now compete against a guy who'll pounce on your every mistake

Helps to think like a business: always interview other candidates for her gf position. Benefits: makes her replaceable & increases your bargaining power. And gives you the option of acting like her beloved ex: cheating on her

She's oddly chill with being cheated on, thus invites disrespect. She clearly invites her ex to disrespect you

---

If you're more proactive: throw her back to the streets. She's a ho who no self-respecting man respects

Then if you're vindictive: find some way to humiliate the ex. Helps others by raising the cost to his predatory acts. If he's a narcissist, this is called "mortifying the narcissist"

In short: your relationship is dysfunctional, immediate termination is highly recommended.

 

[sammiechzxv]

Giant red flag please leave her sounds like someone who's going to end up cheating if she hasn't already

 

[kedxCrestMOon5]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about eight months, we've had a lovely time together, and I think our relationship has overall been a very good experience. However, there is something that keeps irking me and which I can't get out of my head. I'll provide you with details.

At the start of our relationship, I realized that my girlfriend still talks to her ex, she did way before we became together. She assures me that she now only treats him as a friend and nothing more. The problem that this so called ex keeps flirting with her, for example he wishes to send her nude pics of him and sometimes asks her to send him photos of her. besides this, she told him that she was in a relationship with me, and he responded that he doesn't recognize or respect this relationship. I told her to block this person, but she insists on not doing so, because, as she says, she doesn't want to be ungrateful towards him as she experienced many good moments with him, and blocking him would be a sign of an ingratitude from her side. She also says that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by blocking him. I catched her once saying "I love you" to him. When I confronted her about it, she responded that she only meant the word in a friendly way, and that it doesn't evoke any romantic attachement, as she also says "I love you" to her family aswell, so it's not a word exclusive to a romantic context.

I don't know how to feel about this, I feel incredibly hurt and beyond jealous, and, for a lack of a better word, I feel like a cuck. I have no intention of breaking up as I am certain that she does indeed love me and that her convos with her ex do not really have any malicious intent. But I don't know what to do, she categorically refuses my request to block him and get him out of her life. What the hell should I do about this? I don't feel like I can allow this state of affairs to continue. Despite how much I love her, I must hold on to a bit of self-dignity, don't you think? So how should I approach this?

I've been in a similar situation before, she started seeing someone else while keeping me in dark. Hell she told me that she even had intercourse with him, although I felt devastated and betrayed I still somehow had affection for her which made me hate myself and made me feel like a cuck.
There isn't much you can do about it to be honest, you're attached to the person and refuse to accept the fact that it's over. It's natural human tendency of selfishness, " I want ...." or " I wish...." I mean at the end of the day we're not main characters of some fairytale, everyone has their own path.
Humans are like isolated islands floating in the river of time, these islands crash with each other, parting or staying together in the name of love, friendship, blood relations, family, hatred, acquaintance etc. .... all headed to their fateful demise.
At the end of the day we can only depend on ourselves, however we are afraid that our own reputation will fall in the other person's eyes if we were to seperate. I didn't want to leave a last bad impression on her so I just quitely sat there, not even retorting or complaining to her when she was telling me that she's fu**ed another dude, matter of fact she made it seem like it was my fault that she had to do this.
Truth is that you can't go too far while asking your girlfriend to block her ex, why?...... Because she'll just most likely try to guilt trap you, calling you insecure and petty and we fear that she'll dump us so we have to 'pretend' that we're cool with it. Mix in 8 truths with 2 lies with a bunch of emotional guilt trapping and you're a perfect puppet for her, it's a weird situation where she has feelings for you ( hopefully ) and wants to relive the old emotions with her ex as well or she might be bored from being with you and wants some fresh 'break'.
I am not qualified to say whether it's wrong or right for you to still be with her, but you my friend are extremely vulnerable for blackmailing, she has the upper hand emotionally and can dodge your statements easily and from that 8 months of relationship you are likely to be very attracted to her. It's your decision but from my limited prespective, your relationship won't last to be meaningful as it was.
Just remember to not forget your own self-worth and never lower it for her, be upfront with your thoughts. It's better to feel a momentry sadness over a long toxic relationship.
I wish you well :)

 

[mortuarymary]

Cut her off