Venting My girlfriend and I keep damaging each other.

[buoy]

My girlfriend and I keep damaging eachother unintentionally because of how we feel.

When she's feeling low I try to be there for her to listen and be present with her; but she feels hurt when I am unable to bring myself to participate in anything and just want to hide. That in turn hurts me or she does something in reaction to me. It's a cycle it seems.

It's not that she isn't there for me, in moments, she's the person who has listened the best. In other moments, it feels like we're on separate islands.

I'm kinda an ass sometimes and she's immature sometimes, and those meet at the juxtaposition of me not having energy to match her. Like her unable to stop touching my ass and balls as a "cute joke" in moments when I want to die. Extraordinarily insistent too. Like make me feel guilty if I don't participate. What makes it worse is that she's so insecure that I'm not allowed to touch her body, so sex feels medical, sanitary, and not at all personal. Then I get fondled as a joke.

But all her jokes feel that insistent (when I'm like this), and I'm not going to disregard someone I care about, but with a pointless insistent joke that there's no response to, I just end up staring at her a lot of the time. We usually poke and prod eachother when we're both well, and when we would visit my folks we would terrorize the house with our antics together. It's kinda our thing I guess.

I'm making her feel bad a lot lately because I have been in such a way that I don't want to try at all at anything, and just wait till it blows over hopefully. I've debated ending the relationship for her sake and possibly mine but I victimize myself with inaction out of fear (I assume).

That and we do genuinely love eachother, there's a lot of good times. Great dialogue and understanding about most things. I just don't know which pains are worth what outcomes.

 

[cetacea]

you dont have to deal with pains!! you can simply tell her "im not feeling well so please dont touch me there", i think. maybe you can ask her why she does this especially since she doesnt want to have sex. im not sure. but i dont think she means serious harm. ultimately i believe a dialogue about the things causing friction - like you sometimes not being able to participate in stuff or her touching you inappropriately - would be good.

 

[buoy]

you dont have to deal with pains!! you can simply tell her "im not feeling well so please dont touch me there", i think. maybe you can ask her why she does this especially since she doesnt want to have sex. im not sure. but i dont think she means serious harm. ultimately i believe a dialogue about the things causing friction - like you sometimes not being able to participate in stuff or her touching you inappropriately - would be good.

You're right, and we do have good enough dialogue that I can freely say this without fear but I usually get met with one of two responses. In those time where I say "please, not right now" I usually get hit with playful persistence. Which just takes me out of my body. Or she immediately backs off like a kicked puppy. I haven't been met woth an adult "okay" and continue without a shift in mood yet. Or at least not enough for me to be able to remember any.

You're right she doesn't mean harm, it's just alienating that my body is a sandbox and I can't touch her.

I don't mean to linger on that example too long but it's more so an excerpt as example to the interactions and how I get myself to feel alienated in situations.

I don't know if it helps to explain, but she might possibly be slightly on the spectrum as her siblings have different learning disabilities from autism to downs.

I appreciate your response and genuine thoughts, idk what I'm looking to gain from this. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, comfort, or to be ignored. ! Appreciate you.

This is my first thread and sorry to lose train of thought at the end there…

 

[cetacea]

Maybe she feels as if the "rejection" means you dont like her. Even though she should be responding like an adult instead of taking it so personally, it might help to explain it isnt her, nor is it you; it's the mood you're caught up in. I am a really sensitive person and I can see myself responding much like her, so Im basing this off of what would keep me calm personally.

you're really kind for considering she may be autistic or be a little different from other people. You can state clearly that you not wanting to be touched like that at bad moments has nothing to do with disliking her. It might be obvious to us that it has nothing to do with her but she might truly think it does.

and don't worry about this being your first thread ^^

 

[buoy]

Maybe she feels as if the "rejection" means you dont like her. Even though she should be responding like an adult instead of taking it so personally, it might help to explain it isnt her, nor is it you; it's the mood you're caught up in. I am a really sensitive person and I can see myself responding much like her, so Im basing this off of what would keep me calm personally.

you're really kind for considering she may be autistic or be a little different from other people. You can state clearly that you not wanting to be touched like that at bad moments has nothing to do with disliking her. It might be obvious to us that it has nothing to do with her but she might truly think it does.

and don't worry about this being your first thread ^^

I Appreciate you friend.
I'm sorry to be hard headed be I feel like I do communicate that it's the mood and it's not helpful.

Like tonight when I got into bed, she said she felt as though she had been annoying me recently. I explained that I couldn't match her energy and had no response to many of her pokes and prods. She pressed me further and I said yes I was annoyed, but that in any other instance I would be joining her in the prodding. So it's not her fault for behaving normally, and I told her that.

Then i apologized profusely with no context to no response.

I know what you said about her interpretation of rejection/me not liking her is feeding into this self consciousness she has.

And I'm not innocent either because I know I react passive aggressively sometimes in those moments where she doesn't stop the joke.

Example: ordering food
I'll say something like "do you want food from…"
"YO ASS"
"So do you want to get food fr…"
"YO ASS (even louder)"
Happens 1 or 2 times more and I'll just say "okay good chat" and close out of the app. Then she's going immediately into apology/retreating mode.

It's like the pointlessness of the joke, and the shouting into the void at my face that when I have no energy, I just want to walk away so I can be alonebecause we're getting nowhere here.

(I'm sorry to keep using this stuff as an example but she talks like that online playing video games so it really is the most regular example I can come up with though she is much deeper than that.)

Idk. I'm consistently feel like I'm hurting her lately and that I'm not healthy for her.

That and I'm not sure if I should take time to love myself and come back or to press onward. We live together so life is now so tangled and constricting. I'm conflicted because I take very little action in my own life and there is potential here so idk what to do

I've been half bedridden for the last week due to my brain being weird and she found out I've been on this site. She found it and said if I'm on it then she's going to be. She's been suicidal before too and I don't want her around this content to monitor or be closer to me so I started lying about this to her…

 

[cetacea]

i can see why her behavior would be frustrating. She sounds immature but not intentionally harmful. You're trying to explain to her that her self-consciousness isn't necessary because the source of the issue isn't her, but she still takes everything personally. It might be hard to work around this.

Maybe you can try telling her you love her, I know it's hard to be so considerate of others when you're in a deep emotional ditch but if you can find the strength to say one positive thing it might help. Or maybe it won't, I don't know, I am just trying to think of what might patch up things a little.

Your relationship doesnt sound toxic or abusive (just judging off these few posts). just needs a little work and some time. i think it can all be remedied if you both are considerate of each other

 

[buoy]

I

i can see why her behavior would be frustrating. She sounds immature but not intentionally harmful. You're trying to explain to her that her self-consciousness isn't necessary because the source of the issue isn't her, but she still takes everything personally. It might be hard to work around this.

Maybe you can try telling her you love her, I know it's hard to be so considerate of others when you're in a deep emotional ditch but if you can find the strength to say one positive thing it might help. Or maybe it won't, I don't know, I am just trying to think of what might patch up things a little.

Your relationship doesnt sound toxic or abusive (just judging off these few posts). just needs a little work and some time. i think it can all be remedied if you both are considerate of each other

Appreciate you friend.

That's I think the hardest part. It's not toxic, we just keep hurting eachother and it's frustrating/demoralizing. It would be easy to cut it off if it were toxic, but as it is, we love eachother and just keep hurting eachother in different small significant ways.

I wonder if this is all timing and if we needed to independently heal before starting the relationship.

Thank you again for having this dialogue with me. I don't think I'll find an answer through this but I appreciate you speaking with me, being helpful, and being respectful.

Much love and I wish the best for you.

 

[cetacea]

I know sometimes it can help to have an outlet to talk things out. consider me your rubber duck!

It's no problem. I wish the best for you too! I hope perhaps someone with more knowledge can pitch in, as i feel I can't offer much advice

 

[buoy]

I know sometimes it can help to have an outlet to talk things out. consider me your rubber duck!

It's no problem. I wish the best for you too! I hope perhaps someone with more knowledge can pitch in, as i feel I can't offer much advice

Thank you friend. Idk but I want to cry now. I like the phrase you used, "consider me your rubber duck." That's really sweet and cute in an amazing way.

Thank you again friend. I really appreciate you.