Venting My friends are shallow pro-lifers

[žorstka]

Long and whiney rant, so sorry if anyone minds to read this.
I know my problems seem mild, but oh god has this been bothering me.

I have a few close friends that I obviously do not deserve. I talk about my suicidal thoughts with them and they support and understand me more than an average normie would. Now this will sound absolutely terrible, since I love them so much..... But I just feel like they are so clueless. Obviously, they are pro-life when it comes to suicide,like most people are. When I tell them about my severe depression, rage, intense sadness and how I am tired of living, they look at me like I am crazy. I am in so much mental pain all the time and no one seems to care or understand. At this point, I can't even comprehend how anyone can survive here unless they have absolutely no feelings. Everyone just seems so emotionless. It seems like I am the only one having an appropriate reaction to this terrifying life. How do people do it? I do have empathy, when people show their emotions I completely feel their pain and it's a beautiful thing to me. It makes them seem human. Now when everyone around me doesn't react too much to anything at all, it makes me believe I am the only one who experiences emotions. But how do you describe emotions? That's like trying to describe colors to someone who has never seen them.

My mood swings are quite severe, so I blurt out random, disturbing thoughts at times. I am a very unpleasant person to be around. I wish I could always hide my emotions, but I physically can't shut up sometimes. I also block everyone and plan on disappearing when I am overwhelmed. That comes across as attention-seeking and idiotic, but that's the only way I can cope with my feelings. I just feel like a burden to everyone, that's a huge part of why I want to go. I don't want to be constantly babied by everyone around me or told ''well, you know you are not the only one who has problems'' (this one makes me furious) and ''that sucks''.

The amount of times I have told everyone, that I was suicidal really diminished the problem in their eyes. Now no one understands the severity of it. At this point I am desperate enough, that I can not even trust myself to go outside, or I will jump of a bridge (you can't be impulsive like that, I really don't want to stay alive and have life-long trauma) . But I see that my friends think I am just being edgy in a ''haha killing myself'' type of way, which I CAN'T STAND. They DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND that suicide is not easy at all, finding a method that would be reliable and wouldn't be an inconvenience to everyone is a difficult task. There are many people who have attempted suicide 4+ times and are still alive.

The stereotype of ''truly'' suicidal people not telling anyone about their thoughts is seriously harmful. Life is not suffering olympics. If you look back, the signs are always there. Just because I may have horrible breakdowns, that seem attention-seeking it doesn't mean that I am any less suicidal.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

"Shallow pro-lifer" is redundant.

 

[Neowise]

I just don't bother talking to normies or arguing with pro-lifers. They won't understand anyways.

 

[booray]

I know exactly how you feel OP. I threaten suicide all the time and I know that the friends I have left are sick of hearing about it. I suppose it does reek of attention seeking. I need to just get it over and done with. In my mind, I've already checked out of this world.

 

[Hirokami]

I understand how you feel. Now I'm a man of few social connections but I, too, have those people in my life. I've been told to "not give up" and that I supposedly "matter" so many times, it's not even funny. Hell, I even been guilt-tripped more times than I can count. This is exactly why I never talk about my suicidal thoughts irl. I just want a little empathy. Not unwarranted advice. Not empty platitudes. Just someone who will listen and empathize. Pro-lifers have the same two or three "arguments" and it's grating.

 

[Symbiote]

Always wondered, what did we expect them to say? Are we looking for a "I'm sorry about how you feel" or "I fully support your bid for a peaceful death"?

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I know what you mean. Media rules about documenting suicide have lead to a culture where people see suicide as an impulsive, shocking conclusion. There are not many news stories floating around of people who expressed chronic ctb ideation for years, failed multiple attempts, and reached out to no avail.

I believe it dampens the narrative that "the individual just hasn't sought the right sort of help" and that every suicide can be prevented, when one acknowledges that there are many suicidal people who get treated as attention seeking simply for speaking their mind several times rather than having a one and done temporary instance of ctb desire.

So it is easier for them to think that you are not seriously in pain, because most media involved in suicidology tries to push a certain image of what a suicidal person is like. I know it is so hurtful, and I believe you when you tell us how much you are suffering in this life. We all believe you here.

However, it is hard for others to truly understand if they haven't been through it themselves and have been drip fed these motivational stories of suicide that aren't representative of the wide variety of situations that people contemplating ctb find themselves in.

It is frustrating, and I know that it sucks. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a log when I try to explain myself to people. They can't really absorb what I'm trying to say, and typically tell me to just hang in there and stop being so negative, smh.

 

[WornOutLife]

I just don't bother talking to normies or arguing with pro-lifers. They won't understand anyways.

This is why I don't talk to normal people. I don't wanna waste my time.