Venting My friend killed himself yesterday

[Abandoned Character]

I'll call him Jay. He is survived by his parents, brother, and many friends. He was 25. I am not surprised that he is dead. Jay frequently talked about his desire to kill himself and often asserted that he knew he would not live long. Jay would catastrophize and tear himself apart anytime he made a mistake, and there was never anything we could say that would help or change his thought process. He was adamant that his destructive view of himself was the correct one, or maybe he never cared to view things differently, or maybe something else that was precipitated by his haunting depression.

I wish he were alive. I wish he spent a little more time trying to figure things out. I wish his parents were more open to addressing the depression that plagued him.

I wish I saw him before he cbt. Maybe, if I took his mood seriously I could have been there and talked him out of it. The radiation of pain that his final decision will cause, is it worth the peace of his nonexistence? Perhaps it is, and I do wish him the best despite my own grief.

I don't really want to post this, but I do so for posterity, perhaps my future self would appreciate to see how I am immediately processing Jay's death. Typing these words feels serial, like I am reminding myself that my friend is no longer alive, I wonder when it will start feeling real?

I'll miss you Jay. I love you, and may you rest in peace.

 

[rileywatson]

Damn, I'm sorry that happened. I hope you can find someone to talk it out with.

I'm not really sure it ever feels real. Death is kinda just weird.

 

[Abandoned Character]

For better or worse, there were many people that loved him, so we are grieving together and leaning on one another for support. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[DarkFriend.]

My condolences.

You know, some people are not long for this world--and sometimes they know it. It isn't any fault of yours or his, or anyone's really. Sometimes it's just the way it is.

Don't go blaming yourself--that'll never do you any good. And if you ever feel like Jay felt, or even simply need to get things off your chest, we are here.

May he rest in peace and I hope that this message reaches you in your time of need. Sometimes we all can use a shoulder to lean on, even from a complete stranger, and there's nothing wrong with that. Writing about things like this is healthy and important, and I'm glad that you posted this.

May your friend find in death what life could not reward him.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for losing your friend. It's so sad when we lose friends and loved ones. Your friend is now free and not suffering anymore. May they find peace.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Deeply sorry for your loss.

 

[moondazed]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a close friend last year similarly. It's a rough road to walk. I wish you strength on your own journey, and peace to your friend Jay.

 

[FuneralCry]

For many people the peace of non-existence is all that's desirable and at least those who are gone cannot suffer anymore. Rest in peace.

 

[kipper]

it's always so very hard to lose someone you love... take care and be gentle with yourself while you grieve, hun. find comfort in knowing your friend is no longer hurting. energy is something that cannot be destroyed, so while he may not be bound to his earthly form, the life he had has returned to the universe and still will be around, just in a new form. ^^

 

[cryvinglightning]

i'm so sorry for your loss. i hope that jay found peace and that you as well can heal. it's so tough losing the people you love.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

I'm really sorry for your loss. It's hard to not have regrets in a situation like this and to not wonder what could've been, if you or someone else could've helped him or changed something. But please don't blame yourself for his death and don't feel guilty for missing him either, try your best to be kind to yourself and take it easy day by day, feel your grief as much as you need to. I understand what it feels like to be unable to process someone's death, your brain can't help but feel like they're still somewhere out there, waiting to meet you again. It's hard and I'm sorry, I wish you all the best.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

So young. It is not because Jay was mentally ill that he ended his life. More likely is that he needed help to straighten out or deal with the underlying distortions of his thought processes. It's sad that he was not able to get the right kind of intervention, and I don't mean to be taken in to a psych unit. Many people are not aware but when people suicide it can be because of a spiritual attack. The demonic forces in this world are constantly trying to get us to destroy ourselves and especially when u are not aware that this is what is going on. Very sorry about your friend

 

[chasm]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Glad to hear you have people to lean on for support. Stay strong.

 

[Ironweed]

I wish his parents were more open to addressing the depression that plagued him.

Not sure how much control you expect parents to exert over a 25 year old. He was very much a legal adult. What would you have wanted them to do? Short of going to court and having him declared incompetent and then institutionalized, I guess.

I wish I saw him before he cbt. Maybe, if I took his mood seriously I could have been there and talked him out of it.

What would you have said? Perhaps whatever message you would have conveyed to him would help others here.

The radiation of pain that his final decision will cause, is it worth the peace of his nonexistence? Perhaps it is, and I do wish him the best despite my own grief.

I guess my perceptions in this area are so out of step with current sensibilities I only feel jealous of those who succeed, and curse my own cowardice. I also tend to not give much credence to the whole "radiation of pain" business, sorry to say. Some days I feel like I see triangles where others see circles or something, so perhaps our views are so different my post here is pointless, and I apologize in advance if that is the case.

 

[worldwords]

I'm really sorry for your friend. Unfortunately nobody can fully understand other's problems or what truly lead them to end their life.

 

[backtoearth]

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain it is causing you, I also lost a friend to suicide last year and still struggle with the guilt. It is so easy to get caught up in thinking about what could have been or what could have been done, but ultimately it was their choice and we will never know what they were thinking or experiencing in those moments. I'm glad you have support, the grief process is messy and difficult but it does get easier and thinking about the good memories becomes less painful. Sending you and his family love, I hope he found peace <3

 

[Abandoned Character]

Not sure how much control you expect parents to exert over a 25 year old. He was very much a legal adult. What would you have wanted them to do? Short of going to court and having him declared incompetent and then institutionalized, I guess.

To my knowledge his parents were not very accepting of his illness. Being the boomers that they are, they were emotionally distant and incompetent, especially towards a man growing up in the 21st century. Perhaps if Jay felt comfortable comfronting his family of his immediate plans to end his life, a less permanent solution may have been found. I am not ruminating over this thought, but I do feel inclined to answer your question.

What would you have said? Perhaps whatever message you would have conveyed to him would help others here.

I don't know. I don't think there was anything I could say that would change his mind per se. Just being there with him and talking about whatever, anything to get him out of the spiraling thought loops he would get himself into when on his own.

I guess my perceptions in this area are so out of step with current sensibilities I only feel jealous of those who succeed, and curse my own cowardice. I also tend to not give much credence to the whole "radiation of pain" business, sorry to say. Some days I feel like I see triangles where others see circles or something, so perhaps our views are so different my post here is pointless, and I apologize in advance if that is the case.

I am curious what you mean here. Are you claiming that one's suicide does not cause a ripple effect of suffering? No harm in stating your beliefs, even in these times of grief I am quite able to separate my reason and emotion.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I am curious what you mean here. Are you claiming that one's suicide does not cause a ripple effect of suffering? No harm in stating your beliefs, even in these times of grief I am quite able to separate my reason and emotion.

Not speaking for them, but I guess we are weary of browbeating guilt trips (not calling your post one) and as someone else put it, " the takeaway appears to be "I'm actually fine with the net amount of suffering in the world, and the fact that it's generally borne by the same people year in and year out. I just want to be sure that one of those people isn't ME" (just speaking generally here).

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure that Jay appreciated your friendship. Many people here have family and friends that they love deeply. It doesn't mean that we don't love people when we choose to exit. Sometimes it can become the case though that we are solely hanging on for them- which isn't always sustainable in the long run. It would have been good if your friend had found a way through this and their own self destructive thought patterns. Obviously- I can't speak for your friend but in some cases though- we simply don't want to fight those thoughts enough. They become a part of who we are. So- any amount of exterior coaxing by other people will be ineffective if they aren't willing to put in the effort and work to change themselves. I guess I'm trying to say- I doubt your friend would want you to be feeling guilt. There may well have been nothing you could have done to change this outcome.

In terms of pain. I'm sorry. I have experienced a lot of grief in my life. Not through suicide but natural death, so I know how painful it is. It's a difficult thing to judge- because- we don't know one another's pain. Still- your friend may well have been feeling worse than this and over a prolonged period. They took this action to free themselves from it. I expect they hated the idea that their loved ones would suffer as a result but sometimes- a person's own struggles feel so intense that they overwhelm everything else. Rightly or wrongly, they maybe hoped you would cope in time but they obviously knew that they couldn't anymore. I wish you all the best. I hope you can hold on to the better times you had with your friend in your mind. You probably brought them a lot of joy in an otherwise troubled life.

 

[Ironweed]

To my knowledge his parents were not very accepting of his illness. Being the boomers that they are, they were emotionally distant and incompetent, especially towards a man growing up in the 21st century. Perhaps if Jay felt comfortable comfronting his family of his immediate plans to end his life, a less permanent solution may have been found. I am not ruminating over this thought, but I do feel inclined to answer your question.

At what point does someone become responsible for their own actions? I'm assuming they weren't Mommy Dearest tier, beating him with clothes hangers and locking him closets when he was younger, etc. And his parents couldn't have been too terrible, since he is an adult and was still in contact with them.

Not trying to be too confrontational here, but it it sure seems to me his death is his responsibility, barring some additional information I'm not seeing.

I don't know. I don't think there was anything I could say that would change his mind per se. Just being there with him and talking about whatever, anything to get him out of the spiraling thought loops he would get himself into when on his own.

That can help, especially if the suicide was some sort of spur of the moment thing.

I am curious what you mean here. Are you claiming that one's suicide does not cause a ripple effect of suffering?

I do think it exists, but I do think it is overstated by the media, yes, as far back as the so-called Werther Effect. The Sorrows of Young Werther, it turns out, was a poor example of the Werther Effect. I'm very suspicious of the agenda pushed by pro-lifers in every area, including this one. At the end of the day life is for the living and the dead are quickly forgotten.

No harm in stating your beliefs, even in these times of grief I am quite able to separate my reason and emotion.

My problem is there are I days I want to be dead so badly I can taste it; my sense is that that gives me a different -- and possibly warped -- take on suicide, its effect on others, and so on. I do get jealous of those who manage to do what I cannot seem to pull off, won't evade saying that one bit. I suppose there's a degree of sadness, but my primary emotion is jealousy.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Horrible thing to go through, I'm very sorry. I've been there.

One of my best friends leaped to his own death age 23 and I miss him a lot. I miss the little things. Who can drink a beer quicker? Who wins an arm wrestling match etc. I'm gutted for you, OP.

We got to view him at the morgue, despite jumping to his death from a significant height. He looked not too bad. I miss him every day.