Help My friend is buying me a gun and I'm scared of myself.

[phantomisgone]

Hey everyone,
It's been three years since my suicide attempt, and I've been slowly getting better. I graduated college, got a job, and have been working on building my life as an adult. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I know it's a journey.

When I was hospitalized, one of my closest friends — someone I've known since high school — stood by me through everything. We still hang out all the time, and I really value our friendship. He has a military background and knows a lot about weapons, guns, and ammo. He's taken me to the shooting range several times, and I've gone along and tried it too.

Recently, though, he told me he wants to buy me a gun for Christmas. At first, I thought he was joking, but he's been taking me to the range more often, asking what I like, and even putting money down for it.

The thing is… I'm scared of having that kind of power. When I made my attempt, it was with SN. Back then, just having it in my room made me feel "safe" in a weird way — like I had a way out if I needed it. I don't have it anymore because the police confiscated it.

But a gun feels different. It's too quick. One second and it would all be over. Honestly, from what the hospital told me, I'm lucky to even be here right now.

I'm just scared of having something like that in my room again. I don't know how to tell my friend how I feel without making him worry that I'm suicidal again. I don't want to put that kind of stress or guilt on him, especially if something were to happen.

I just don't know what to say or do. I can't talk to him about this nor anyone in real life.

 

[Kurwenal]

I don't know much about gun ownership laws full stop, let alone the world over, but I believe a number of places require you to have a dedicated gun safe in order to possess a firearm. I imagine the installation of such a safe would be costly. Perhaps you could thank your friend for his kind gesture, but say that you don't have the means to store the weapon safely at your home. I don't know if this would help in your situation.

If it really comes to it, and you can't find any other way to tell him you can't feel safe owning a gun, I think you really should just tell him the truth. By my understanding of what you've written, he was by your side as you recovered from your past attempt. He wouldn't want to put you through something like that again. You sound like you are figuring hard to be who you want to be, through university and work. If you don't feel that you want to die, and you fear that having a gun within reach at a moment's notice could set off something, you need to take steps to prevent that from being a possibility.

He was with you three years ago. He would not want to hurt you, or for you to hurt yourself, through what he saw as a gift of friendship. If all else fails, please just be honest. But if the gun safe excuse works, then that's even better. I wish you luck.