NSFW My first relationship (tw: rape, physical abuse)

[Cyc]

I was raped nearly 2 years ago by my boyfriend at the time. It was a very abusive relationship. He constantly controlled who I talked to and what I said to them, what I wore and monitored every action I did. If I didn't listen to him then he'd either threaten to kill himself or would hurt me by either choking me until I nearly passed out, cutting me or sexually assaulting me until I was in pain. This lasted for over a year until I got the courage to leave. I didn't have many friends at the time and I didn't trust the ones I did have otherwise I would've left much earlier.

As a result of his behaviour I became very closed off from everyone I knew and my depression became even worse. I started getting frequent flashbacks and nightmares to what happened. I still am affected by what happened and I've never really been able to get over it. I don't know why - it's been quite a long time and I'm far away from him now. I still feel sick whenever I think about it, and I find it much harder to trust people now in case I get hurt again, especially after the one person I told in real life went around telling other people what happened which resulted in a lot of victim blaming and slut shaming, as well as my parents finding out.

For context, my parents are very religious. My mother hardly talks to me because of it and my father simply believes I'm lying for attention. My relationship with them was never good because they didn't treat me the best while growing up, but after they found out I was raped it's basically non-existent.

 

[aRose]

I'm sorry you went through that. My high school boyfriend did all the classics abusive patterns you describe. He eventually threw me face first into a metal door by my neck. He became a pathological liar also and cheated on me in insane ways but by that point he had my head so twisted up I fell for all his bullshit.
It's hard to recover from such abuse especially when it was your "first love"
I now know my abusive family primer me to accept such treatment as normal. It's really fucked up how our minds and souls can be damaged so badly at such a young age.
My older brother even chose to hang out with my ex soon after we finally broke up cuz "he was my friend too"
Years later he even said "all I thought he did I was cheat on you" when I confronted him for sharing the dudes bullshit gofundme and now I no longer have a brother after that .

 

[Nightingale93]

I'm so sorry you went through all that. There is nothing you did to deserve that sort of treatment in any way, shape, or form.
It seems like you are better off without those evil beings that were supposed to love you and care for you.
I hope you find a new family and good, loving people to call home

 

[Cyc]

I'm sorry you went through that. My high school boyfriend did all the classics abusive patterns you describe. He eventually threw me face first into a metal door by my neck. He became a pathological liar also and cheated on me in insane ways but by that point he had my head so twisted up I fell for all his bullshit.
It's hard to recover from such abuse especially when it was your "first love"
I now know my abusive family primer me to accept such treatment as normal. It's really fucked up how our minds and souls can be damaged so badly at such a young age.
My older brother even chose to hang out with my ex soon after we finally broke up cuz "he was my friend too"
Years later he even said "all I thought he did I was cheat on you" when I confronted him for sharing the dudes bullshit gofundme and now I no longer have a brother after that .

That sounds horrible I'm so sorry :( cheating is a horrible thing to go through

It really is fucked up I agree, especially because the trauma from abusive relationships is often underestimated imo. Being in a relationship means choosing to trust someone and to then have that trust broken and your mind destroyed is beyond awful

I'm glad you had the strength to cut off your brother. Being related means nothing if they can't even show any empathy towards your suffering

 

[Cyc]

I'm so sorry you went through. There is nothing you did to deserve that sort of treatment in any way, shape, or form.
It seems like you are better off without those evil beings that were supposed to love you and care for you.
I hope you find a new family and good, loving people to call home

Thank you so much <3 I've tried searching for love but I've given up. My heart has been broken too many times

Even though I don't open up much to my real life friends I'd still consider them my family. They're always willing to spend time with me and they're a good distraction from my depression and other issues