my first and only love is marrying someone else in three days

[lostlove]

he is the only person i have ever had feelings for and i still think of him daily. i have bpd and losing him felt like something being torn out of me.

he claims he still cares abt me but we live far away and haven't seen each other in two years. if i believed he missed me like i miss him than maybe it would be bearable.

we first fell out 2.5 years ago. 2 years ago i had the chance to forgive him, make amends and give things a proper go. i chose instead to rehash the same arguments over and over again and drove him away. i regret it every day.

i had been deluding myself thinking that they would break up before the wedding. i am losing hope. if he goes through with it i think i will ctb.

of course i will not tell him any of this or my reasoning. i want him to be happy and not feel guilt for what becomes of me. i am debating whether there is a way i can say goodbye at all before i go.

 

[fmak]

Hey be strong, you will heal as time goes. Google 'Kubler-Ross grief cycle'. You will be ok the moment you find someone else.

 

[lostlove]

Hey be strong, you will heal as time goes. Google 'Kubler-Ross grief cycle'. You will be ok the moment you find someone else.

I do not think I will heal tbh.

It has been two years and I still feel as intensely as I did back then.

Tbh almost nothing good has happened at all in the past two years. I am lost in all regards of my life and not just this one. I am very tired. I do not have it in me to keep trying.

 

[11April]

I understand you. I, too, have only been one person's entire life. While she was single, I still had some hope. Two years ago she got married, and that was the end of me. I should have ended my life two years ago, but out of fear and not wanting to hurt my loved ones, I am still here.
I would also like to look at her one last time, to say goodbye before I die. But I doubt I can. The only thing I can do is write a message before I die. That's what I'll most likely do.
But I think we are lucky to experience such strong love. I think not many people are given this gift.

 

[lostlove]

I understand you. I, too, have only been one person's entire life. While she was single, I still had some hope. Two years ago she got married, and that was the end of me. I should have ended my life two years ago, but out of fear and not wanting to hurt my loved ones, I am still here.
I would also like to look at her one last time, to say goodbye before I die. But I doubt I can. The only thing I can do is write a message before I die. That's what I'll most likely do.
But I think we are lucky to experience such strong love. I think not many people are given this gift.

I would very much like to write a message to him as well before I go but I am unsure about it for several reasons.

I do not want him to feel burdened by my death and I am also worried he may try to stop me although this would be hard since we are not living in the same country and he does not have contact w any of my friends/family in my home country.

If I do not say goodbye I think he may never learn of my death. We do still talk some. He would message me one day and I wouldn't answer and that would be that. I don't think he'd suspect I was dead. On the one hand it bothers me to think that he wouldn't know and on the other I think it is kindest.