My final stretch

[PlasticFace]

I am so tired and don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've been dealing with my suicidal thoughts by brushing them off and suffering through another repetitive day, but I can NOT do this anymore. I kept telling myself that it would be worth it. I would get to see my friends be happy, learn how to walk correctly again, watch my friend's kids grow up, try cooking again and be comfortable around other people. But none of that is worth it. I wish it was but it isn't. I just canceled my physical therapy, gave my dog to my friend, wrote my "will", and I'm burning up all of my old suicide notes. I have a sort-off "bucket list" that I will achieve before I CTB though. I will update this thread as I finish these things because I will not CTB until they are completely finished.

• Confront the cop that hurt me as a child
• Outlive mom's cancer
• Talk to dad for the first time in years
• Go outside without prosthetics
• Cut off contact with friends
• Visit my childhood home (must do before mom dies)
• Finish collecting my things from mom's house (must do before mom dies)

I might add more if I think of anything, but as of right now, these are the most important things to me. As I said, I will be updating this thread as I go through this list.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I'm sorry you are in this position dear.
If you've decided on death, I hope you can find peace in it...

I wish you all the best.

 

[Anhedoniac]

That pig bastard who wronged you deserves to have a rod covered in barbed wire shoved up his ass until it's sticking out from his mouth. Speaking of it, how do you expect your confrontation with that monster to go about? Do you think he ever felt sorry? My condolences, nobody should have had to go through all you did. I hope you can find at the very least a semblance of peace once you run through your bucket list before you CBT

 

[PlasticFace]

Speaking of it, how do you expect your confrontation with that monster to go about? Do you think he ever felt sorry?

I've thought about how a confrontation with him would go for my whole life. I'd definitely be able to recognize him since I saw him so often during my childhood. He knows that I could ruin not only his marriage but his entire life. I know his full name and he seems to be very open about his whereabouts on social media. I was hoping to meet him without any prosthetics on. I'm sure he'd be shocked just at the sight of me, but I'd love to see his reaction after I tell him my name. His family will know what he did before I die. If the justice system won't put that piggy bitch in jail, I'll have to take it into my own hands and make him suffer the consequences. I don't want him dead, and I won't lay a hand on him. I will not be going to prison for garbage like him and I'm sure his wife will have enough words to say. As I was going through his Facebook, I found his wife's page. To keep it vague, for privacy's sake, their daughter was being sexually harassed and the wife fought tooth and nail to make sure justice was served. She expressed many times how she found it "sick and ugly" that anybody could look at a child and have those thoughts. Anyway, I have a feeling she will be doing most of the work for me, after I bring the news to her attention, with proof. I'm planning on bringing photos of my case along with printed copies of my r*pe kit results if I can find them (They "coincidentally" went missing after the story started being spread around my town). I'm going to go by the local police station and ask for information on him, to confirm he lives in the area, and then I guess I'll take it from there.

 

[Anhedoniac]

I've thought about how a confrontation with him would go for my whole life. I'd definitely be able to recognize him since I saw him so often during my childhood. He knows that I could ruin not only his marriage but his entire life. I know his full name and he seems to be very open about his whereabouts on social media. I was hoping to meet him without any prosthetics on. I'm sure he'd be shocked just at the sight of me, but I'd love to see his reaction after I tell him my name. His family will know what he did before I die. If the justice system won't put that piggy bitch in jail, I'll have to take it into my own hands and make him suffer the consequences. I don't want him dead, and I won't lay a hand on him. I will not be going to prison for garbage like him and I'm sure his wife will have enough words to say. As I was going through his Facebook, I found his wife's page. To keep it vague, for privacy's sake, their daughter was being sexually harassed and the wife fought tooth and nail to make sure justice was served. She expressed many times how she found it "sick and ugly" that anybody could look at a child and have those thoughts. Anyway, I have a feeling she will be doing most of the work for me, after I bring the news to her attention, with proof. I'm planning on bringing photos of my case along with printed copies of my r*pe kit results if I can find them (They "coincidentally" went missing after the story started being spread around my town). I'm going to go by the local police station and ask for information on him, to confirm he lives in the area, and then I guess I'll take it from there.

I think meeting him without the prosthetics is a good idea, he should take a deep look at the damage he caused, the harm he has done. He should feel very shitty. Just be cautious and stay safe, because piggies in the pigpen are very eager to cover each other's misdeeds. You're right that it's not worth it staining yourself by touching that garbage, it could and most likely would make your life even more unbearable by swine retaliation.

His wife deserves to know that she's with a monster. You could potentially save her and her daughter from abuse since the pigs don't shy away from domestic violence and outright abuse. If she's a decent person, I doubt she'll ever want to look him in the eyes again once she gets to know what he has been up to, and if he truly has feelings for her that should torment him for a long while. That will hurt him more than any physical wound (still nothing close to what he has done to you and possibly other people)

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing in this world certainly can be hell, so of course it's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering that this existence brings. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[PlasticFace]

Today I got into my mom's house in search of the shit she stole from me.

I found a copy of my social security card and birth certificate that she still had. Didn't find any old paperwork from my case though. I'm going to have to do some research and see if I can find anything online about it. The cops kept it under wraps (for obvious reasons) so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to find. If I can't find anything online, I'll have to search my mom's old house. Neither of us has been there in years but she won't get rid of it.

I'm also making progress on cutting contact. I'm trying to back away slowly so they don't get suspicious. We were supposed to hang out today but I bailed and said I wasn't feeling well. Half-truth lol.

Anyway, I might try the other house tomorrow. My dad also has visiting hours for tomorrow so maybe I can kill two birds with one stone and get that off my list too.

 

[TapeMachine]

I'm sorry that you weren't able to find the paperwork today. That's frustrating. I hope you are able to locate it at the old house atleast.

Do you dread seeing your dad after so long; or are you excited, nervous, ?

 

[PlasticFace]

I'm sorry that you weren't able to find the paperwork today. That's frustrating. I hope you are able to locate it at the old house atleast.

Do you dread seeing your dad after so long; or are you excited, nervous, ?

I don't know how to feel honestly. On one hand, I feel bad because he's in jail for trying to protect me, but on the other hand, he never protected me before then. I just want him to know how my mom and I have been doing. I don't know how long it's been since she's talked to him, but I'm sure she's made up lies about me. My dad was abused by this woman too so I know we can relate to each other on that level. It might also be helpful to ask him about my paperwork, not sure if he'd have any idea where it'd be though.

I'm definitely nervous because I don't know what to expect. Not to mention the fact that he might not even recognize me. One of the many faults that come with gun survivors. I never really thought I'd talk to him because we didn't have much of a bond, but I don't want to die without him getting to know his own son. Sure, he's done shitty things in the past, but we were stuck with my mom together and he was lucky to get out of it, even if it was by imprisonment.

 

[TapeMachine]

I don't know how to feel honestly. On one hand, I feel bad because he's in jail for trying to protect me, but on the other hand, he never protected me before then. I just want him to know how my mom and I have been doing. I don't know how long it's been since she's talked to him, but I'm sure she's made up lies about me. My dad was abused by this woman too so I know we can relate to each other on that level. It might also be helpful to ask him about my paperwork, not sure if he'd have any idea where it'd be though.

I'm definitely nervous because I don't know what to expect. Not to mention the fact that he might not even recognize me. One of the many faults that come with gun survivors. I never really thought I'd talk to him because we didn't have much of a bond, but I don't want to die without him getting to know his own son. Sure, he's done shitty things in the past, but we were stuck with my mom together and he was lucky to get out of it, even if it was by imprisonment.

That's actually really sweet of you to give him a chance to know you and vice versa. :)

I'd be a little nervous too; it's completely understandable that you are. And look, maybe he won't recognize you right away, but that's okay. Surely no one with sense would expect a survivor of a gunshot-ctb to look exactly the same. ❤ And you're his son; and if he's a decent man, he'll be grateful to see you, to hear your voice, to maybe even begin bonding with you.

I really hope you two end up having a nice visit. (And I hope he knows where the hell that paperwork is too- that'd be a major bonus!) If you feel up to it, will you update us on here after the visit?

 

[Caoine01]

Finish collecting my things from mom's house

I find it very positive that you are going through the process of a swedish cleaning.

I wish you the best of luck on your future path

 

[PlasticFace]

I talked to my dad today!

He definitely didn't recognize me at first but as soon as I told him my name, he went quiet and just stared at me. We spent around twenty minutes catching up and talking about mom and her sickness. He said that she only called a few times, the last call being one to berate him and tell him that he was the reason for my attempt. I saw my dad cry today, which is something I was definitely not expecting. I wish I could've hugged him one last time.

I asked him about the papers and he said that they were probably at the old house, if mom hasn't burned them up already. I could fight with the station to get my case printed off but I'm not sure how much I, alone, can do. We talked a lot about mom and how she hurt us. He told me that he was sorry for leaving me there alone and that he regrets everything.

It was crazy seeing someone look me in the eye and not feel uncomfortable about it. I have never been able to make eye contact with anybody but it was so different with my dad. This is the first time that we're able to be ourselves with each other and actually talk. Shame it won't last much longer.

I only got to talk for an hour but it was the best hour I've spent in my life.

 

[Anhedoniac]

I talked to my dad today!

He definitely didn't recognize me at first but as soon as I told him my name, he went quiet and just stared at me. We spent around twenty minutes catching up and talking about mom and her sickness. He said that she only called a few times, the last call being one to berate him and tell him that he was the reason for my attempt. I saw my dad cry today, which is something I was definitely not expecting. I wish I could've hugged him one last time.

I asked him about the papers and he said that they were probably at the old house, if mom hasn't burned them up already. I could fight with the station to get my case printed off but I'm not sure how much I, alone, can do. We talked a lot about mom and how she hurt us. He told me that he was sorry for leaving me there alone and that he regrets everything.

It was crazy seeing someone look me in the eye and not feel uncomfortable about it. I have never been able to make eye contact with anybody but it was so different with my dad. This is the first time that we're able to be ourselves with each other and actually talk. Shame it won't last much longer.

I only got to talk for an hour but it was the best hour I've spent in my life.

That's great to hear! I'll keep watching your post and updates with great interest because I genuinely hope the best for you.

 

[Mimi_]

I am truly happy for you. Things went good with your dad

 

[TapeMachine]

I'm glad your time with your dad went so well. ❤ Your update about it made me tear up. It's beautiful that you didn't feel like you had to shrink within yourself around him, that you both felt comfortable enough to speak openly, honestly, all the while holding one another's gaze. I imagine it was cathartic to receive a sincere apology from him also.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm also following this thread so I don't miss any of the updates.

 

[PlasticFace]

Well, I have another update.

I got a call from the hospital where my mom was staying, saying she was in horrible condition. She was lethargic, no longer eating or drinking, she was barely responding to stimuli, and she was practically in a vegetative state. They didn't think she'd last much longer and wanted to let me know, just in case I wanted to visit her. I got that call on Friday and then on Saturday, I got another call saying that she died.

I'm upset and I don't know why. I've thought about how I'd feel for a loooong time and this was all just very sudden. I feel like I didn't get the closure I wanted, and deserved, and I'm mad at myself for that. I wish she would've just sat down and actually listened to me without making me coddle her like a baby. I don't know anything about her funeral, memorial, burial, or anything and I don't really care to. I knew it was coming and I knew what happened before the nurse even started talking on the phone, but it's so real now. The woman who single-handedly ruined my life is at eternal peace and won't ever know how I really feel about her. She won't know that I talked to my dad, that I quit my job, that I hate her, or that I died.

I'll have to go to her house and find my things before the family does. Might go ahead and do that tonight. At least I have another thing off of my list.

 

[user39]

wish you all the best

 

[TapeMachine]

Well, I have another update.

I got a call from the hospital where my mom was staying, saying she was in horrible condition. She was lethargic, no longer eating or drinking, she was barely responding to stimuli, and she was practically in a vegetative state. They didn't think she'd last much longer and wanted to let me know, just in case I wanted to visit her. I got that call on Friday and then on Saturday, I got another call saying that she died.

I'm upset and I don't know why. I've thought about how I'd feel for a loooong time and this was all just very sudden. I feel like I didn't get the closure I wanted, and deserved, and I'm mad at myself for that. I wish she would've just sat down and actually listened to me without making me coddle her like a baby. I don't know anything about her funeral, memorial, burial, or anything and I don't really care to. I knew it was coming and I knew what happened before the nurse even started talking on the phone, but it's so real now. The woman who single-handedly ruined my life is at eternal peace and won't ever know how I really feel about her. She won't know that I talked to my dad, that I quit my job, that I hate her, or that I died.

I'll have to go to her house and find my things before the family does. Might go ahead and do that tonight. At least I have another thing off of my list.

Oh man, I am so so sorry...I don't even know what to say...but my heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your loss and for the closure that has been stolen from you.