vaulthunter
poyo?
- Mar 19, 2019
- 65
hi all,
over my time on this site i've only actually gotten to know a few of you, but i've come to care for each and every one of you. every post, every goodbye thread...i did my best to let those ready to catch the bus know that the ride into the sunset would be as peaceful as they hoped. but now, my participation here is coming to an end.
i know there was no need to write this, that nobody probably cares, but after having my first session with my therapist since february (when i created this account), i have had an epiphany.
i went into her office, knowing i had a lot to get off of my chest. i was even shaking a little knowing the gravity of what i was going in for. as she asks me what i would like to speak about, i ask her carefully:
"do you know what euthanasia is?"
she gives me the widest look, and then proceeds to tell me yes. i tell her during my last semester at school (i just finished my sophomore year of college), i had taken up the cause of euthanasia. i had become obsessed with it. i detailed how i watched documentary after documentary about final exit, about the blue house in the Netherlands, about neumbutal, about everything. everything. none of what i was saying was illegal (how could it be? i was describing official organization) and none of it was about SS. not yet, at least.
before i continue, i want to state that i NEVER, EVER once uttered the words "sanctionedsuicide", "ashspace", or any specifics about this site. i was intentionally vague knowing the gravity of my words in the space i was in, and the identities of everyone on this site (which i have no right to expose), regardless of my therapist's incredible stance on euthanasia, which i'll speak about now.
my therapist tells me that yes, she knew what euthanasia was. she then tells me she is a staunch supporter of it. she mentions the hemlock society, kevorkian, final exit...i am astounded. COMPLETELY blown away. she offhandedly mentions she spent time in jail related to it, but very very quickly brushed it off and continued. and with the way she reiterated that she understands how i could feel like i needed a site like SS, i have reason to suspect she spent some time participating in the field, which gives me crazy respect and adoration for her. i'll have to do more research on that!
this is the part that really moved me to make this post. after she told me all that, i realized that this was a safe space. i tell her.
i tell her that in february, i got so depressed, i started planning my suicide. that i stumbled upon a website, and that it would aid me in planning my suicide. i tell her all the typical methods i went through, i tell her about telling fellow members (mentioning no names or any specifics) goodbye and to have safe journeys. i tell her everything. and all through this im under the guise of prefacing my sentence with "i've deleted my account, but please don't report me" (i obviously haven't yet), and she repeatedly reassures me that she would never. she says that im obviously in a better place now that i'm ready to talk about this, and what happened to me. i agree.
as we keep talking about other things, i think. i bring it up again. she talks me through it—"how does talking about this experience make you feel?" and while i was thinking before, this was the first time i actually got to reflect on everything i'd said, everything i'd done. and there was a lot.
in that moment i realized that this...this site is not euthanasia. at least any methods other than neumbutal.
that this site is acronyms and violent death, and that is okay! i am not here to bash anyones methods or this site at all. i fervently believe that everyone has their own choice. but my preferred method (hydrogen sulfide), and hanging, and guns, and whatever other gory method isn't euthanasia. it isn't final exit, or kevorkian, or the blue house in the netherlands.
i had gotten so obsessed with 'reliable methods', or methods i knew would kill me fast, or where i wouldn't have to feel too much pain that i forgot everything i had spent so much time watching. i forgot that the peaceful death is not what i was planning. i forgot what literally everything the peaceful pill handbook is meant to stop: senseless impulsive suicides that cause you pain or actually harm other people.
my consensus in my therapist's room was that sanctionedsuicide wasn't euthanasia. and its not.
the euthanasia movement is campaigning for doctor assisted death, for those who physically suffer. those who have absolutely zero chance of getting better and do nit want to die of pain and disease. not for depression.
i'm sorry to say it, but depression is treatable. im not advocating for therapy or medicine or recovery at all, but depression is treatable—its simply a fact. and its treatable with so many different ways. euthanasia will never, ever be allowed for depression. its just not realistic.
its how i realized that sanctionedsuicide does not equal euthanasia, and that is okay! i love the idea of this site. i love that we are allowed to be free and express ourselves, and power to everyone for expressing themselves as they feel fits for them. but this isn't me.
i can't express myself this way anymore. it's unhealthy, and i (personally, please no one feel like im promoting recovery) have decided to heal. for the first time in half a year i have hope. and its life-changing.
thank you everyone for always being so supportive. you are all truly amazing in your own special way, even if you don't believe me. if you think no one is thinking about you, that no one loves you, or no one cares, please remember: i do. i will always be thinking of you all, and i hope you all find the peace you are seeking, in whatever way you yourself want it —be it death or recovery.
thank you for reading if you made it down here. i'm truly thankful.
much love to you all,
vaulthunter
p.s. i also told my therapist about how while watching a show the day before, i heard one character say a line that completely stopped me in my tracks.
"sometimes, the only way out of hell is through."
and its so true...sometimes, going through hell is the answer. and thats exactly what it took for me to wake up and realize. the show is "the act" on hulu.
love to you all
over my time on this site i've only actually gotten to know a few of you, but i've come to care for each and every one of you. every post, every goodbye thread...i did my best to let those ready to catch the bus know that the ride into the sunset would be as peaceful as they hoped. but now, my participation here is coming to an end.
i know there was no need to write this, that nobody probably cares, but after having my first session with my therapist since february (when i created this account), i have had an epiphany.
i went into her office, knowing i had a lot to get off of my chest. i was even shaking a little knowing the gravity of what i was going in for. as she asks me what i would like to speak about, i ask her carefully:
"do you know what euthanasia is?"
she gives me the widest look, and then proceeds to tell me yes. i tell her during my last semester at school (i just finished my sophomore year of college), i had taken up the cause of euthanasia. i had become obsessed with it. i detailed how i watched documentary after documentary about final exit, about the blue house in the Netherlands, about neumbutal, about everything. everything. none of what i was saying was illegal (how could it be? i was describing official organization) and none of it was about SS. not yet, at least.
before i continue, i want to state that i NEVER, EVER once uttered the words "sanctionedsuicide", "ashspace", or any specifics about this site. i was intentionally vague knowing the gravity of my words in the space i was in, and the identities of everyone on this site (which i have no right to expose), regardless of my therapist's incredible stance on euthanasia, which i'll speak about now.
my therapist tells me that yes, she knew what euthanasia was. she then tells me she is a staunch supporter of it. she mentions the hemlock society, kevorkian, final exit...i am astounded. COMPLETELY blown away. she offhandedly mentions she spent time in jail related to it, but very very quickly brushed it off and continued. and with the way she reiterated that she understands how i could feel like i needed a site like SS, i have reason to suspect she spent some time participating in the field, which gives me crazy respect and adoration for her. i'll have to do more research on that!
this is the part that really moved me to make this post. after she told me all that, i realized that this was a safe space. i tell her.
i tell her that in february, i got so depressed, i started planning my suicide. that i stumbled upon a website, and that it would aid me in planning my suicide. i tell her all the typical methods i went through, i tell her about telling fellow members (mentioning no names or any specifics) goodbye and to have safe journeys. i tell her everything. and all through this im under the guise of prefacing my sentence with "i've deleted my account, but please don't report me" (i obviously haven't yet), and she repeatedly reassures me that she would never. she says that im obviously in a better place now that i'm ready to talk about this, and what happened to me. i agree.
as we keep talking about other things, i think. i bring it up again. she talks me through it—"how does talking about this experience make you feel?" and while i was thinking before, this was the first time i actually got to reflect on everything i'd said, everything i'd done. and there was a lot.
in that moment i realized that this...this site is not euthanasia. at least any methods other than neumbutal.
that this site is acronyms and violent death, and that is okay! i am not here to bash anyones methods or this site at all. i fervently believe that everyone has their own choice. but my preferred method (hydrogen sulfide), and hanging, and guns, and whatever other gory method isn't euthanasia. it isn't final exit, or kevorkian, or the blue house in the netherlands.
i had gotten so obsessed with 'reliable methods', or methods i knew would kill me fast, or where i wouldn't have to feel too much pain that i forgot everything i had spent so much time watching. i forgot that the peaceful death is not what i was planning. i forgot what literally everything the peaceful pill handbook is meant to stop: senseless impulsive suicides that cause you pain or actually harm other people.
my consensus in my therapist's room was that sanctionedsuicide wasn't euthanasia. and its not.
the euthanasia movement is campaigning for doctor assisted death, for those who physically suffer. those who have absolutely zero chance of getting better and do nit want to die of pain and disease. not for depression.
i'm sorry to say it, but depression is treatable. im not advocating for therapy or medicine or recovery at all, but depression is treatable—its simply a fact. and its treatable with so many different ways. euthanasia will never, ever be allowed for depression. its just not realistic.
its how i realized that sanctionedsuicide does not equal euthanasia, and that is okay! i love the idea of this site. i love that we are allowed to be free and express ourselves, and power to everyone for expressing themselves as they feel fits for them. but this isn't me.
i can't express myself this way anymore. it's unhealthy, and i (personally, please no one feel like im promoting recovery) have decided to heal. for the first time in half a year i have hope. and its life-changing.
thank you everyone for always being so supportive. you are all truly amazing in your own special way, even if you don't believe me. if you think no one is thinking about you, that no one loves you, or no one cares, please remember: i do. i will always be thinking of you all, and i hope you all find the peace you are seeking, in whatever way you yourself want it —be it death or recovery.
thank you for reading if you made it down here. i'm truly thankful.
much love to you all,
vaulthunter
p.s. i also told my therapist about how while watching a show the day before, i heard one character say a line that completely stopped me in my tracks.
"sometimes, the only way out of hell is through."
and its so true...sometimes, going through hell is the answer. and thats exactly what it took for me to wake up and realize. the show is "the act" on hulu.
love to you all
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