imissmykitten
heart rot
- May 7, 2023
- 71
P.21 -
Mine has been a life of much shame.
I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being.
P.26 -
All I feel are the assaults of apprehension and terror at the thought that I am the only one who is entirely unlike the rest. It is almost impossible for me to converse with other people. What should I talk about, how should I say it? — I don't know.
P.28 -
I have always shook with fright before human beings. Unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed. [...]
The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.
P.61 -
I was afraid to board a streetcar because of the conductor; I was afraid to enter the Kabuki Theatre for fear of the usherettes standing along the sides of the red-carpeted staircase at the main entrance; I was afraid to go into a restaurant because I was intimidated by the waiters furtively hovering behind me waiting for my plate to be emptied. Most of all, I dreaded paying a bill — my awkwardness when I handed over the money after buying something did not arise from any stinginess, but from excessive tension, extensive embarrassment, excessive uneasiness and apprehension.
My eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world grow dark before me, so that I felt half out of my mind.
P.67 -
People talk of "social outcasts". The words apparently denote the miserable losers of the world, the vicious ones, but I feel as though I have been a "social outcast" from the moment I was born. If ever I meet someone society has designated as an outcast, I invariably feel affection for him.
P.144 -
He could only consider me as the living corpse of a would-be-suicide, a person dead to shame, an idiot ghost.
P.163 -
I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves — it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.
P.168 -
I felt as though the vessel of my suffering had become empty, as if nothing could interest me now. I had lost even the ability to suffer.
P.169 -
Now I have neither happiness, not unhappiness.
Everything passes.
Mine has been a life of much shame.
I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being.
P.26 -
All I feel are the assaults of apprehension and terror at the thought that I am the only one who is entirely unlike the rest. It is almost impossible for me to converse with other people. What should I talk about, how should I say it? — I don't know.
P.28 -
I have always shook with fright before human beings. Unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed. [...]
The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.
P.61 -
I was afraid to board a streetcar because of the conductor; I was afraid to enter the Kabuki Theatre for fear of the usherettes standing along the sides of the red-carpeted staircase at the main entrance; I was afraid to go into a restaurant because I was intimidated by the waiters furtively hovering behind me waiting for my plate to be emptied. Most of all, I dreaded paying a bill — my awkwardness when I handed over the money after buying something did not arise from any stinginess, but from excessive tension, extensive embarrassment, excessive uneasiness and apprehension.
My eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world grow dark before me, so that I felt half out of my mind.
P.67 -
People talk of "social outcasts". The words apparently denote the miserable losers of the world, the vicious ones, but I feel as though I have been a "social outcast" from the moment I was born. If ever I meet someone society has designated as an outcast, I invariably feel affection for him.
P.144 -
He could only consider me as the living corpse of a would-be-suicide, a person dead to shame, an idiot ghost.
P.163 -
I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves — it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.
P.168 -
I felt as though the vessel of my suffering had become empty, as if nothing could interest me now. I had lost even the ability to suffer.
P.169 -
Now I have neither happiness, not unhappiness.
Everything passes.
