I really like this site. I've mentioned in my other posts. I'm a quiet person, I nearly died last year and documented my experiences during. Sometimes I really want to come back here because this is the one place I feel like I can sigh and somehow, just feel better. It's like nobody judges me here.
I have had numerous attempts at this point - my full story is complicated, but in 2022, I attempted using fentanyl patches on my arms over ten times. I am alive.
Then, in 2024, sometime last year I chewed I think it was two patches, or three, I'd have to check, and nearly died much closer - I had the whole life flash before your eyes to some degree, but with my strong mind and I suppose spirit all I had to do was make the conscious decision to let go. I was still alive during. I felt my heart slow and myself get closer. My resistance was strong and I made the conscious decision to remain alive for the sake of a Woman at the time who later betrayed and hurt me, and left me to my fate regardless.
To be honest, death and suicide is no longer a thing of fear for me. I'm not sure it has been for a long time. Death has become a kind of drug - not just in the macabre sense but suicide. I find myself longing for it sometimes, but I have things to do before I can go. I just can't wait to die to be honest with you and it is hard sometimes to feel another way. I long for, inside, chewing those patches again and going to sleep. Well, dying. On a deeper level, I sometimes want to not exist anymore at all. But that is another matter.
I have wanted to die for so long that in some ways it is like a dream - like, how some people can be trapped in a room and fantasize about one day being on a plane. Then one day that comes, and you realize this is it - I'm really here. I get to go.
Sigh... man... well, maybe after I'm done.
I have had numerous attempts at this point - my full story is complicated, but in 2022, I attempted using fentanyl patches on my arms over ten times. I am alive.
Then, in 2024, sometime last year I chewed I think it was two patches, or three, I'd have to check, and nearly died much closer - I had the whole life flash before your eyes to some degree, but with my strong mind and I suppose spirit all I had to do was make the conscious decision to let go. I was still alive during. I felt my heart slow and myself get closer. My resistance was strong and I made the conscious decision to remain alive for the sake of a Woman at the time who later betrayed and hurt me, and left me to my fate regardless.
To be honest, death and suicide is no longer a thing of fear for me. I'm not sure it has been for a long time. Death has become a kind of drug - not just in the macabre sense but suicide. I find myself longing for it sometimes, but I have things to do before I can go. I just can't wait to die to be honest with you and it is hard sometimes to feel another way. I long for, inside, chewing those patches again and going to sleep. Well, dying. On a deeper level, I sometimes want to not exist anymore at all. But that is another matter.
I have wanted to die for so long that in some ways it is like a dream - like, how some people can be trapped in a room and fantasize about one day being on a plane. Then one day that comes, and you realize this is it - I'm really here. I get to go.
Sigh... man... well, maybe after I'm done.
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