N
nogoingback
New Member
- Jan 7, 2021
- 4
I feel like I don't want to write my story, because I am even more pathetic than other people on here. I want to go back to when I was 12 and tell myself everything I need to do to not get here.
I've always been anxious since I was as young as 5, even being too nervous to go up and talk to cashiers at times (sometimes I would get friends to do it for me because I was too shy). Eventually I became slightly more confident but never really took on real adult responsibilities, and never really committed to anything to learn it well. I always spent too much time in my own head, and always put stuff of or avoided them if I didn't feel like doing it. You like to think that you get over childish habits like that eventually, but I did not.
Cut to this past summer, middle of pandemic. I moved out at 26 last August and had a good few months before COVID and stressful, ever changing jobs started to crush me. I was trying to do the 'one day at a time' thing but just feeling anxious and depressed every day - like literally multiple daily, all consuming panic attacks that froze me and left me unable to do anything. I woke up and realized I have no idea how to do anything - I never even really learned how to buy my own clothes (how pathetic??) - a lot of my clothes I've had for years and were gifts or things my parents bought me. I never learned how to buy groceries on my own, or buy a car or take out loans or anything. I started to just want days to be over so I could sleep, but then I wasn't sleeping so what was the point anyway, just wait for COVID to be over but it's never going to be over and I'm never going to see my friends or family again and the whole world is just going to get worse, and worse and worse, with more pandemics and worsening climate change and such on the horizon and the internet owning more of our souls... and I do not have what it takes to survive in this world. I'm not okay being alone but I'm too anxious for a partner. People are always like 'humans are so resilient we'll get through this' but I am so not!!
So then I basically ran away from everything - job, house, most of my friends. I've literally spent the last few months doing nothing but watching YouTube at my parents house, hoping and praying for things to be different when I wake up, in the meantime self-sabotaging everything. I feel like I've dug a hole way too deep. I even cut myself off from my doctor and doctor's advice because I was like 'well, it doesn't matter, I'll be dead by then'. Even "tried" a bunch of times - belt in the closet, walking down to the river or highway in hopes I'll jump, trying to hang in the closet or shed. My brother is depressed and my sister has a disability and I've always prided myself on being the together one and I feel like I'll never be able to take care of them properly. I shouldn't be so incredibly reliant and codependent on my parents.
I'm more pathetic than others here because I gave up before really trying, and now I've dug myself a hole so deep I have no idea how to get out of it.
And the stupidest thing my life is SO EASY compared to so many others. I know it's dumb, but I sometimes wish I had gone crazy and been a drug addict or something as a teen, because then at least I could have been through some stuff and know how to interact with the world.
I've always been anxious since I was as young as 5, even being too nervous to go up and talk to cashiers at times (sometimes I would get friends to do it for me because I was too shy). Eventually I became slightly more confident but never really took on real adult responsibilities, and never really committed to anything to learn it well. I always spent too much time in my own head, and always put stuff of or avoided them if I didn't feel like doing it. You like to think that you get over childish habits like that eventually, but I did not.
Cut to this past summer, middle of pandemic. I moved out at 26 last August and had a good few months before COVID and stressful, ever changing jobs started to crush me. I was trying to do the 'one day at a time' thing but just feeling anxious and depressed every day - like literally multiple daily, all consuming panic attacks that froze me and left me unable to do anything. I woke up and realized I have no idea how to do anything - I never even really learned how to buy my own clothes (how pathetic??) - a lot of my clothes I've had for years and were gifts or things my parents bought me. I never learned how to buy groceries on my own, or buy a car or take out loans or anything. I started to just want days to be over so I could sleep, but then I wasn't sleeping so what was the point anyway, just wait for COVID to be over but it's never going to be over and I'm never going to see my friends or family again and the whole world is just going to get worse, and worse and worse, with more pandemics and worsening climate change and such on the horizon and the internet owning more of our souls... and I do not have what it takes to survive in this world. I'm not okay being alone but I'm too anxious for a partner. People are always like 'humans are so resilient we'll get through this' but I am so not!!
So then I basically ran away from everything - job, house, most of my friends. I've literally spent the last few months doing nothing but watching YouTube at my parents house, hoping and praying for things to be different when I wake up, in the meantime self-sabotaging everything. I feel like I've dug a hole way too deep. I even cut myself off from my doctor and doctor's advice because I was like 'well, it doesn't matter, I'll be dead by then'. Even "tried" a bunch of times - belt in the closet, walking down to the river or highway in hopes I'll jump, trying to hang in the closet or shed. My brother is depressed and my sister has a disability and I've always prided myself on being the together one and I feel like I'll never be able to take care of them properly. I shouldn't be so incredibly reliant and codependent on my parents.
I'm more pathetic than others here because I gave up before really trying, and now I've dug myself a hole so deep I have no idea how to get out of it.
And the stupidest thing my life is SO EASY compared to so many others. I know it's dumb, but I sometimes wish I had gone crazy and been a drug addict or something as a teen, because then at least I could have been through some stuff and know how to interact with the world.
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