I found this site a few days ago and it has blown my mind. I have never been able to get so close to other people's thoughts and experiences re CTB. I've thought about doing this since a young age and am now approaching middle age. What I have found is that a few decades of grinding depression has really worn me down. I don't think I can be helped by medication any more. Ketamine helped but it's very short-acting for me. I don't think I am a candidate for ECT. I look back on the years and I know that most of my days were suffering. There were windows of peace but they were short. I have always wanted to be more than I am. Better than I am. More connected than I am.
I've been an active addict and I have been a sober addict. I've been in AA and out of AA. I have found being sober and wanting to die at the same time to be a very painful state of being.
I have held off on CTB because I know it is going to crush my family and some other people in my life. I spend a good deal of time thinking about what it will be like for them and I wish there was a way I could spare them. But it isn't possible to spare them. I have given up on my hope for a future but I don't want to cause so much pain for the people left around me. I don't want them to hate me for having done it. In the end, given my history, I don't think it will come as a huge surprise to many and maybe they will be able to forgive me.
I've ordered SN. It's going to be waiting for me at home when I get back. I'm not going to do anything for a while. I have some work to finish over the next few months. I have some cleaning up to do of old papers and the like. I don't have many possessions so it's really minimal. Life is so disrupted now with quarantine that it kind of helps. I can sort of hide in the chaos. Nobody is watching.
I'm set to split up with my partner toward the end of this year. We know it's coming but it's not financially feasible to split yet. He is giving me the rest of the year to figure it out. I'm considering waiting until after we split to CTB. It would spare him having to handle what happens after. But then it would fall on family members which isn't really better. There just isn't a way to leave without leaving a mess. I want to leave a note asking for no funeral, to be let go quietly. I guess they can honor that or not honor it, I can't control anything once I am gone. I hope some of my really young relatives won't understand and won't be too upset. The thought of them has kept me from doing this in the past. The thought of them maybe needing me in the future. But I got past the point of that being enough.
Anyhow I just wanted to get this down. It helps to write it down. It doesn't change anything. But maybe it will be understood and not judged. Really I think I just am not very much cut out for the world and the childhood I had just pushed me over the edge, and there isn't a way out. I'm not going to just suffer indefinitely.
I've been an active addict and I have been a sober addict. I've been in AA and out of AA. I have found being sober and wanting to die at the same time to be a very painful state of being.
I have held off on CTB because I know it is going to crush my family and some other people in my life. I spend a good deal of time thinking about what it will be like for them and I wish there was a way I could spare them. But it isn't possible to spare them. I have given up on my hope for a future but I don't want to cause so much pain for the people left around me. I don't want them to hate me for having done it. In the end, given my history, I don't think it will come as a huge surprise to many and maybe they will be able to forgive me.
I've ordered SN. It's going to be waiting for me at home when I get back. I'm not going to do anything for a while. I have some work to finish over the next few months. I have some cleaning up to do of old papers and the like. I don't have many possessions so it's really minimal. Life is so disrupted now with quarantine that it kind of helps. I can sort of hide in the chaos. Nobody is watching.
I'm set to split up with my partner toward the end of this year. We know it's coming but it's not financially feasible to split yet. He is giving me the rest of the year to figure it out. I'm considering waiting until after we split to CTB. It would spare him having to handle what happens after. But then it would fall on family members which isn't really better. There just isn't a way to leave without leaving a mess. I want to leave a note asking for no funeral, to be let go quietly. I guess they can honor that or not honor it, I can't control anything once I am gone. I hope some of my really young relatives won't understand and won't be too upset. The thought of them has kept me from doing this in the past. The thought of them maybe needing me in the future. But I got past the point of that being enough.
Anyhow I just wanted to get this down. It helps to write it down. It doesn't change anything. But maybe it will be understood and not judged. Really I think I just am not very much cut out for the world and the childhood I had just pushed me over the edge, and there isn't a way out. I'm not going to just suffer indefinitely.
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