Venting My doomsday clock is clearer to me

[rizleechboy]

Started the new semester at uni today. Not a hard day of classes, we didn't really do much. I'm an architecture major and our stuff can get quite intense. A lot of hours of work. Professor this term made it pretty clear that if we didn't care we shouldn't be here. I'm very good at academics. I pretty much always get all As. The only reason is such intense anxiety over it all. I don't think that counts as me caring. The anxiety just hurts. I don't care about this anymore. I don't think I care about anything. I'm wasting my parents money.

I think it's pathetic that I'm suicidal. It's weak and pathetic and it's all a waste of time. How can you double kill yourself? Enact the shame of hurting myself by hurting myself more. Ad infinitum. Everything I do is pathetic, this is pathetic, the fact that I hate it is pathetic, etc etc etc etc etc. I am exactly the same as i was when i was 12. Too lazy to change that id rather die. I hate being this person.

I think my doomsday clock is around... March. When it's all routine. When it starts being spring and my room is the same mess it has been for a year.

My only available method is benzos and alcohol, maybe slitting my wrists as well. I might be able to get an oxy. Not very reliable. I wish i still lived somewhere with tall buildings. I want it to be all or nothing. I don't want to wake up in hospital and fuck up my grades for nothing.

 

[curiousfawn]

I think it's pathetic that I'm suicidal. It's weak and pathetic and it's all a waste of time. How can you double kill yourself? Enact the shame of hurting myself by hurting myself more. Ad infinitum. Everything I do is pathetic, this is pathetic

i dont think its pathetic to be suicidal i think its a p hardcore way of taking control of ur life tbh

 

[rizleechboy]

i dont think its pathetic to be suicidal i think its a p hardcore way of taking control of ur life tbh

Well I've never even tried even though I've planned to many times. So I don't think I'm actually very good at taking control of it.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I think it's pathetic that I'm suicidal. It's weak and pathetic and it's all a waste of time. How can you double kill yourself? Enact the shame of hurting myself by hurting myself more. Ad infinitum. Everything I do is pathetic, this is pathetic, the fact that I hate it is pathetic, etc etc etc etc etc.

I don't think it's pathetic to feel the way you do. It's totally understandable. I went through the same mindset when I went to college. To me, going to college was just a string of motions I performed because 'that's what everyone does.' But for myself I tried finding ways to get something good out of all it. Sure it was just 'song and dance' as they say, but I'd find things, no matter how small, to make me happy.

I'm not saying you have to or that it's easy, but I'm saying it helped me see it not as a waste of time because I also got to do things I liked too (e.g. taking a lunch break at the cafeteria tasting the food they made fresh daily, strolling through the library and plucking out books at random, meandering around campus to see how others live their lives, etc.).

So again, I understand where you're coming from, and it's easy to start one domino of feeling pathetic before every other domino falls down and everything you say, think, or see seems pathetic.

I am exactly the same as i was when i was 12. Too lazy to change that id rather die. I hate being this person.

Yeah, this strikes a chord with me. I'm still very much a little boy, too. It's all about taking small steps and finding little ways to grow. I'm still immature, lol.