lonesomedrifter
To begin again, you have to let go
- May 6, 2024
- 20
Hi friends,
I will most probably end it either today, or tomorrow. I'm at my lowest point. Before I go, I want to share my life and story on here, just to call me down for the evening, and for my story to be out there on the internet. I think it will be a longer post.
Im a 20yr old female, I was born in the Netherlands and lived here my whole life. I come from a Turkish family. I have had a nice upbringing, my family was upper-middle class, everything I got was always new. My dad was a very hard worker and always made time for me and my sisters, he is truly amazing. My mother has struggled with depression and bpd, and was often very strict and emotionally abusive to me and my sister. She would tell us to off ourselves and that we were just a bunch of dogs. At other times, she would be the sweetest person ever. My parents used to fight a ton over my fathers smoking addiction, my mom hated the fact he smoked, and my father lied a lot about stopping. I think my mom was too harsh on him. My dad would never smoke in our proximity, always in the backyard out of sight.
My first suicide attempt was at 13. I took a bunch of random pills in our medicine cabinet that early morning. That day we were celebrating my younger brothers birthday, he turned two. I had a fun day with my nieces and sisters, I forgot about the fact I took the pills. Then I collapsed in the evening, which I didn't remember myself. I woke up a week later after being in an induced coma. Lots of family and friends came to visit and were wondering what happened. My mom told them it had to do with my anemia, even though she knew what I had done because the doctors obviously knew. After that life continued on.
I was a difficult teenager. I used to secretly meet up with a boy I met through gaming, I will call him Matt. I fell in love with him, but we often had fights. We were long distance, about 3 hours with train. We used to meet up in the woods near my house and have intercourse, or I would go to his house in the weekends when his parents were gone, and we would also have intercourse, eat and game. I was 15, he was 18. My parents would be worried all day and call the cops on me as missing because I didn't want to tell them where I was. When I got home in the evening, we didn't talk about it. They just told me to stop doing it. This went on for three years.
During COVID I got very depressed and addicted to gaming. I would be in my room all day gaming with Matt and other online friends. I wouldn't eat, drink, I ate my dinner in 5 minutes and went back to my room. My parents were very worried and kept checking up on me, but as the teenager I was, I got very very mad at them.
When I turned 18 I wanted to spend a weekend at my boyfriend Matt. My mom freaked out and when she found out (I was already at his place), and threatened to throw away all of my belongings if I didn't come back. I stayed with Matt. It has been a loooong 2,5 years. I was homeless for a month, we lived together in a small 23m2 apartment for 2 years which was hell. We live in a big two room apartement now. He has cheated on my 5 times, cheated when we were still long distance, physically abused me (first time was when I went through his phone and found out he had Tinder). It started with punches in my stomach and graduated to a black eye two times where my eyeball was all red from the blood. Pushed me to the ground multiple times and slammed my head against the tiles, made me get an abortion once against my will, threatened to evict me. I became abusive to him too. He made me turn into a monster, I started hitting him back, I started threatening him too. I was an 18 year old girl when I left home, and I dont recognize myself anymore. I struggle every day. The worst and sickening thing is, I am so desperate to feel loved and cared for, that I'm still with him. I'm scared no one would ever love me again. I'm broken beyond repair. We fight almost everyday because he says I am nagging all the time (because I often tell him I dont feel loved etc.)
Last week I found out I am pregnant. This news broke me. I cannot go through another abortion again and he wants to keep the child. I don't want anyone to be in the situation I am suffering in, so I don't want this child to be born into this. The unborn child also makes ctb so much harder, because I feel so connected to it, but it also makes me so miserable. I don't want to be a single mom either.
I am so so so so done. I have no where to go to. No family anymore, I dont speak to them anymore because I am ashamed of myself. I should have listened to my parents. I should have been more understanding to my mother, she was sick after all. She didn't deserve the things she went through, just like me. I just want to be 16 again and start over, never meet up with Matt again and pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I deserved so much better.
For those who read everything, thank you for reading my story, thank you for your time.
I will most probably end it either today, or tomorrow. I'm at my lowest point. Before I go, I want to share my life and story on here, just to call me down for the evening, and for my story to be out there on the internet. I think it will be a longer post.
Im a 20yr old female, I was born in the Netherlands and lived here my whole life. I come from a Turkish family. I have had a nice upbringing, my family was upper-middle class, everything I got was always new. My dad was a very hard worker and always made time for me and my sisters, he is truly amazing. My mother has struggled with depression and bpd, and was often very strict and emotionally abusive to me and my sister. She would tell us to off ourselves and that we were just a bunch of dogs. At other times, she would be the sweetest person ever. My parents used to fight a ton over my fathers smoking addiction, my mom hated the fact he smoked, and my father lied a lot about stopping. I think my mom was too harsh on him. My dad would never smoke in our proximity, always in the backyard out of sight.
My first suicide attempt was at 13. I took a bunch of random pills in our medicine cabinet that early morning. That day we were celebrating my younger brothers birthday, he turned two. I had a fun day with my nieces and sisters, I forgot about the fact I took the pills. Then I collapsed in the evening, which I didn't remember myself. I woke up a week later after being in an induced coma. Lots of family and friends came to visit and were wondering what happened. My mom told them it had to do with my anemia, even though she knew what I had done because the doctors obviously knew. After that life continued on.
I was a difficult teenager. I used to secretly meet up with a boy I met through gaming, I will call him Matt. I fell in love with him, but we often had fights. We were long distance, about 3 hours with train. We used to meet up in the woods near my house and have intercourse, or I would go to his house in the weekends when his parents were gone, and we would also have intercourse, eat and game. I was 15, he was 18. My parents would be worried all day and call the cops on me as missing because I didn't want to tell them where I was. When I got home in the evening, we didn't talk about it. They just told me to stop doing it. This went on for three years.
During COVID I got very depressed and addicted to gaming. I would be in my room all day gaming with Matt and other online friends. I wouldn't eat, drink, I ate my dinner in 5 minutes and went back to my room. My parents were very worried and kept checking up on me, but as the teenager I was, I got very very mad at them.
When I turned 18 I wanted to spend a weekend at my boyfriend Matt. My mom freaked out and when she found out (I was already at his place), and threatened to throw away all of my belongings if I didn't come back. I stayed with Matt. It has been a loooong 2,5 years. I was homeless for a month, we lived together in a small 23m2 apartment for 2 years which was hell. We live in a big two room apartement now. He has cheated on my 5 times, cheated when we were still long distance, physically abused me (first time was when I went through his phone and found out he had Tinder). It started with punches in my stomach and graduated to a black eye two times where my eyeball was all red from the blood. Pushed me to the ground multiple times and slammed my head against the tiles, made me get an abortion once against my will, threatened to evict me. I became abusive to him too. He made me turn into a monster, I started hitting him back, I started threatening him too. I was an 18 year old girl when I left home, and I dont recognize myself anymore. I struggle every day. The worst and sickening thing is, I am so desperate to feel loved and cared for, that I'm still with him. I'm scared no one would ever love me again. I'm broken beyond repair. We fight almost everyday because he says I am nagging all the time (because I often tell him I dont feel loved etc.)
Last week I found out I am pregnant. This news broke me. I cannot go through another abortion again and he wants to keep the child. I don't want anyone to be in the situation I am suffering in, so I don't want this child to be born into this. The unborn child also makes ctb so much harder, because I feel so connected to it, but it also makes me so miserable. I don't want to be a single mom either.
I am so so so so done. I have no where to go to. No family anymore, I dont speak to them anymore because I am ashamed of myself. I should have listened to my parents. I should have been more understanding to my mother, she was sick after all. She didn't deserve the things she went through, just like me. I just want to be 16 again and start over, never meet up with Matt again and pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I deserved so much better.
For those who read everything, thank you for reading my story, thank you for your time.
