Help My desire to die vs My families desire for me to live.

[SquirtleKyun]

As much as I want to ctb, my family keeps telling me to think of all the people left behind. But in my mind that feels really like selfish? Idk how to best put it into words but it feels selfish of them, even if they are doing it without malice, to push the idea that their wish for me to live is worth more than mine to die. And we get into arguments into these things but I am shit at putting my feelings and thoughts into words. It feels almost like they're guilt tripping me into living. Im so tired of it. Its exhausting to feel like i have to justify myself. Its exausting to live in a state of constant guilt over my desire to ctb. Its exausting trying to put up a front of being ok just to make my family feel better. I dont know what to do. Does anyone here have the same dilemma or like able to offer some advice? Thanks.

 

[hellispink]

you need to understand one thing, they wont ever understand your desire to leave this place. Accept this fact. Stop trying for them to understand. When you have a loved one you dont want them to leave you behind and thats their case. You need to put yourself and your needs first before theirs. You need to figure out what you want without pressures. Try to live by your emotions instead of faking you fine so they fine. You are allowed to just be destroyed if you want to be destroyed. Your life is yours. You leaving or staying doesnt mean you love them less or more or whatever it just means your life is yours and your pain no one can take away its you only who wakes up with your pain everyday. Do some reflection and if you can and want put some distance from them to reflect without their opinions. Best luck

 

[daydreams]

You didn't choose to be in this place so you are free to leave whenever you want, your family only cares because it's genetic, it's human instinct to keep your family alive so your genes pass to the next generation, who gives a shit about this stupid biological process, if they truly love you they should respect your decision, not forcing you to exist and suffer for their own feeling (they are the selfish ones in this case)

 

[Jolene79]

No one will ever give you the ok if they love you. I think you're best to stop having those conversations with them. Come here to do it. It will only make you feel more stressed coming up against their feelings and you risk psychiatric involvement if you are in the US.

 

[monk-in-hell]

I have the same terrible dilemma...
I wish it wasn't the case but from what I read online the trauma and pain caused by grief over losing a family member is immense and lasts for years and probably a lifetime.
if you have anyone that really loves you their life may be ruined forever.
apparently grief even manifests in many physical symptoms like panic attacks, GI issues, body pain...
at this point I am just guilting myself into staying alive by imagining my family 5-10-15-20 years down the line wondering why I had to leave them, if I was really suffering that much to leave a hole in their hearts forever.
I don't say any of this to make you feel guilty, I think its the harsh reality of the situation
everyone has the right to make a decision regarding their own life but decisions come with consequences...
I still will probably end up doing it to be honest...

 

[SquirtleKyun]

I have the same terrible dilemma...
I wish it wasn't the case but from what I read online the trauma and pain caused by grief over losing a family member is immense and lasts for years and probably a lifetime.
if you have anyone that really loves you their life may be ruined forever.
apparently grief even manifests in many physical symptoms like panic attacks, GI issues, body pain...
at this point I am just guilting myself into staying alive by imagining my family 5-10-15-20 years down the line wondering why I had to leave them, if I was really suffering that much to leave a hole in their hearts forever.
I don't say any of this to make you feel guilty, I think its the harsh reality of the situation
everyone has the right to make a decision regarding their own life but decisions come with consequences...
I still will probably end up doing it to be honest...

this pretty much sums ups how i feel, yeah. (and worded better too!) It honestly helps to know there are others who feel the same way as me thanks for your guys' views on this. Its a lot easier to work through the emotions and thoughts when im being treated like an equal like this

 

[FuneralCry]

I just don't see it as the best idea being open about wanting to die in the first place, as sadly I doubt you will recieve much acceptance of your decision.
But in general I just hate it when people label suicide as "selfish" as nobody is obligated to continue existing here. The selfish thing is trying to force people to continue suffering in an existence that was imposed onto them in the first place. We shouldn't have to be punished by being forced to stay here until we die anyway all because other people so cruelly decided to procreate, suicide is a personal decision.

 

[Worndown]

Few families say "ok" when hearing about this. You need to balance your need to keep your family happy with your inability to continue. Once the scale tips away from your family, you know what to do.

 

[livinginhellnation]

They dont know what you are going through...

 

[Photographer Fizzle]

i have no idea about the details of your family situation, but I wish I had a family that cared. I moved back in as an older adult after no contact for five years because they were terrible people to me. Even now, as I struggle with mental health pains from being unemployed and in debt, they don't care. They don't ask me about myself or my wellbeing. They see me on the bring of tears and zoning out, and they walk by without trying to engage. Of course, I should have had no expectations from the same people who called me names and yelled at me and excluded me throughput my life. These are, after all, the same people who didnt acknowledge my graduation from college or ask me about my experiences or demonstrate any interest in my former jobs or hobbies. I am certain those people wouldn't miss me.
I don't want to make you feel even more torn, but your having a family that cares is a gift. Perhaps, it doesn't seem that way because that is the expected and therefore assumed result of that relationship. I certainly can't make up your mind for you and wouldn't request that responsibility. I can only say that if these people are serious about caring for you, have them demonstrate. Perhaps, you need a job. Have someone pull strings. Perhaps, you're lonely. Have someone teach you how to interact with people and then go with you to social gatherings. I'm a huge advocate of people whp profess their love taking meaningful actions

 

[Lookoutbelow]

They are being selfish. You are being selfish. We are all only capable of being selfish. Even if we think we're not. They want you to live so they feel better. You want to die to stop whatever pain you are going through. All selfish, nothing to feel guilty for it is how we are wired.