Story My depression seems to be peaking.

[SuicideBoys93]

My depression has honestly peaked. To make things worse I'm supposed to be the best man in a few weekends at my little brothers wedding. I've never been more annoyed with the idea of having to be around what I would presume to be "happy" people when I'm totally checked out. I've said many times I'd rather just attend vs being in the wedding but all I've gotten is do this for your brother. The irony of that statement loomed large in my mind. My life has seemed to follow that exact trend. Everything else before yourself. I feel even worse because you'd think you'd be happy for a family member getting married but I'm not in the space to be their like that for my little brother. This will be another thing added to my list of regrets by not feeling as if I was present for my little brothers day.

Not really suicidal to the point where I'd off myself but more along the lines it would be a shame cough cough if somebody went left of center and hit me head on going really fast and I didn't sadly make it. I'm not sure if it's the holidays vastly approaching or what seems to be the issue? It's definitely not manic because my highs are never really high but my lows feel super low. Like a roller coaster of emotions where the high lasts a second.

Ultimately I've probably earned this. I don't have friends partly to my own doing going away in the service and becoming so occupied with life far away from home to where life happened and communication was lost. Now that I'm back I'm merely just blending in with society and keep a low profile. I have deleted all social medias to stop the scrolling and the no notifications seems to be sadly deafening but oh well. The daily struggle of wanting to be alone but hate being lonely.

My mom thinks I need to ask about other medications after stopping the last meds cold turkey about a year ago after just feeling bad on them day to day. She also recommends therapy which to me was always placing a bandaid on the problem. Eventually the bandaid wears off while the same cuts of life continue to sting. I'm at a weird spot right now where just surviving feels like the appropriate answer to describe current life.


Vent over.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Oof today hasn't been a good day. I want to say my brother is a bit young to be getting married and I'm not necessarily in favor of him getting married but believe he's a grown man and should make his own choices. My parents have spent a lot of money on this wedding yet his bride seems to be ungrateful imo. Well, today, my filter ceased to exist and I snapped. My niece had a medical emergency hours after posting this to where the squad had to be called. My mother has been stressed out and well I snapped on my brother and his bride today after a back and forth after hearing she called my mother once again bitching her out over petty stuff currently going on to where my mother broke down. They've always walked over my mother and today I stood up for her. Not sure where things stand now with me and even being able to attend the wedding.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Hey. I'm sorry things haven't been easy for you lately.

I totally understand that you don't feel like going to the wedding, even if it's your brother's. I avoid messes as much as possible and the last place I'd want to be is honestly a wedding because it's like getting slapped in the face by seeing everyone so happy and me in the shit hole. And a person is already bad enough, we don't need to be even more down.

Also, I don't feel like celebrating anything. Honestly I'm already getting anxiety about Christmas. My wish was to spend it alone again and not celebrate anything like last year. Celebrate what and for what?

However, If you want to continue to have a relationship with your brother you really have to make an effort and go to the wedding, if only for a little while. You can take some tranquilizers and go for a little bit and then say you're in a bad mood or sick and need to go but at least you showed up and you were present, do you know?

I'm so sorry to hear about your niece, I hope she/he is doing better. As for the rest, the best thing you can do is ignore it.

Finally, regarding your mum's advice, I think you should follow it because it's true that we don't always take the right medication for us but there is medication that can actually help us and therapy doesn't cure everything, it often just gives us tools to cope better with diversities and in the long run, with the right psychologist and therapy, it can help a lot too.

I really hope that things get better for you. We've to take one day at a time.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

This is my last post. I'm headed to hang myself. Take care everyone.

 

[mojo916]

See you on the other side, perhaps someday