Story My death would probably help my loved ones

[LiveOrganization97]

I'm the odd one out. A lot of drama happens because of me, because of BPD, because I'm so sensitive I cry at the drop of a hat. I force them to take care of me and when they don't I feel overwhelmed with the sensation they don't really love me. Therefore they end up spending so much time reassuring me they do, and still I can't bring myself up to believe them. I'm an inconvenience. I'm an undesirable. My love doesn't count.
I'm the one that makes things complicated for all of them. They all have to walk on egg shells for me. If I only I was stronger. If only I wasn't mentally ill.

So sure, they'd miss me for a while maybe, but in the long run it would be for the better. They wouldn't have to to adjust their behavior to avoid hurting me. They wouldn't have to pick up my insane calls late at night. They wouldn't have to give me the same advice over and over and over again - the advice that never worked on me, not even once. They wouldn't have to sacrifice that much just to keep me barely afloat. None of them is a therapist - none of them should feel pressured to come and rescue me anytime there's an emergency, which is any other day.
People were right when they said I'm always having a bad time. It's true. That's why I wanna die. I don't want this pain, let alone to inflict it onto others.

It's for the better. Their lives will be so much easier without me.
I love them and it's not enough.
They might care for me, and it doesn't reach me.
It's for the better.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I have been thinking about my influence on others, mainly on my children (my oldest daughter just turned into a teenager, and I am a little worried about her). There are so many things I should fix about myself and my current life situation so that I could be a good influence on them (we haven't seen a while since there's been a lot in between).

It's very stressful and heartbreaking so I got a bit desperate and tried to google where the positivity comes from, and it turns out that it comes from positive self-talk. I have already known this, but I needed a reminder of it. Right now I need a lot of positivity in my life, so I have been thinking about committing to it until it becomes a habit.