BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
Good evening everyone. I hope all for you are having a wonderful day. As suggested by the title, I don't see myself loving that long( I'm surprised I lived through 2020). For you see I'm exhausted and done with this life, and this world. I've tried to play by all of society's rules but ended up punished instead.
2020, with the virus, as well as recent weeks up to today, made me realize that my death is the only way I will have inner peace. Here are my reasons why. So ever since I was born my parents basically beat, yelled, and screamed at me, both of them having very bad tempers and quit to anger over every little thing. My father even told me when I was eight that he wish he wasn't my son when I wouldn't clean my room. My mom would two. This is also related to my mental illness, which causes me to process information slowly, and not be able to do certain things. I wasn't allowed to play with toys or have video games. My dad, who was a religious fanatic, basically taught me when I was little that if I even commit the littlest of sins, that I was going to hell. As well as never allowing me to play with toys, or anything else, to the point where. To this day(I still live with them) they won't let me go anywhere or do anything without their permission. Not to mention they controlled my finances and I always had to ask them permission for money(which they usually give me very little.). Along with the fact that they never taught me much social skills, it caused me to be very socially inhabited and do all sorts of things that I simply didn't know was unacceptable(which as of now I rather not get into) they proceeded to leave me homeless for about a few hours, with me sleeping at my community college's outside concrete floor, without further notice, telling me this after I called for them to pick me up. if it wasn't for my aunts, I would've been in the streets by now since they practically beg my parents to let me back in the house. My dad about a year ago told me that he wished he had other kids to make up for the mistake I turned out be be and that I 'm a disappointment to him and always have been. I see everyone on social media ahead of me in academics, career's and life. Hell I even see many people with one of my disabilities(Autism) my age being more successful then I even dreamed of ,meanwhile this semester I failed about 3 of my 5 classes and had various mental breakdowns(not to mention having to go to the hospital after vomiting blood after several days of exhausting pain in my throat and left ear).
Because of said mental illness I was ignored, condescend and make fun of, I was also told frequently by many of my peers(even those who are white, and even my music teacher in high school(who also refereed to me as a girl too because apparently I act like one)), were say that I'm not black. And combined with me having to deal with the consistent and con descending racism of many others, which I sometimes appealed to in the past just so they could like me( I know utterly pathetic) caused me to be even more miserable. My parents pretty much control everything. People would also say I'm not Haitian (and to this day still does) even though it's very hard for me to learn another language( especially since my parents never bothered to teach me).
My bosses would also scream and yell at me for the little of things, and even many of them who were seemly nice to me, decided to talk shit about me behind my back, calling me the " kid with mental issues" and "retarded". Combined that with the screaming guest constantly yelling and insulting me, other people at my community college calling me those same things. Even been bullied by my mental health counselor who was supposed to help me( I mean she did help me, but she also yelled and screamed at me even though she knows I don't like to be yelled at). . Said mental disorders also caused me be fired too about 2 months after I was brought back in from the layoffs when my state decided to open the parks up with social distancing. And then it all culminated in 2020, after my grandfather died of COVID-19, the family became more tense. My father said that I'm a disappointment and an embarrassment to the family. I got fired from my job, and I managed to fail most of my classes this semester. While I'm preparing to go to school again and still looking for a job, I'm steadily beginning to find all of this utterly pointless. No matter what actions I take, it will ultimately end up misery, differing and pain. For life is pointless anyway. For as the philosophical pessimist would say, you have to embrace the hopelessness, since life is inherently hopeless and futile and will continue to be. Something I've steadily done, especially over this month.
I'm unable to feel any sort of genuine happiness or even joy at this point. The only thing's I feel nowadays are numbing pain or anguish singing deep emotional pain. It's very clear that I'm not gonna be able to survive in this world nay longer, since it's very clear that it doesn't want me here anyway. Not only that but I'm also disgusted by my sensitivity and emotions, since I'm clearly and weak and pathetic for even having them in the first place, sometimes I wish my hear was made of stone. I also don't know who I am since I don't belong in any community nor does nay community seem to want me( I've tried Christianity but then got accused of not being a real Christian overtime), so I don't know who I really I'm , and frankly at this point I don't care. The only thing keeping myself from going through with it is simply myself. Not because of anyone else(because people either don't care for me much or hold me in contempt) but because of my
inherent cowardice.
I see many other people on the internet stating how many people can't stand people like me.
al illness), how I should be killed and that I don't bring much use to society and are basically a burden to society. How the " weak and stupid", meaning people like me, should be killed and that they are a burden to society and should not even be considered. That we don't need these people(meaning people like me) . Last time I confess my feelings(not about suicide but about my depression), I lost a lot of friends and was told I was whining and that I need to get over it. And the one's that did help me were clearly using me for other purposes(self-image, useful pawn)
After I ended up in the hospital. So my mom ( who is divorcing my father and has been talking) decided to go to this dinner with him and his family. I asked her how come I can't come. She stated that I'm still sick(I'm pretty much close to better at this point) and that I should be happy that I'm alive. My father an hour later left the house for Thanksgiving celebration at church. So in November, pretty much for the remaining hour, I much proceeded to broke down and cried and then ate alone. Something similar happened on Christmas. And so it truly reveled how utterly alone I am, and how utterly inconsequential I am to most people, including my own family. And now I shall be doing online classes again and be forced to endure it all over again. But honestly, I can't stand this anymore. It's be several years, and life's not getting better. The only reason why I'm not dead is simply because a)I'm a coward and I'm afraid of the side effects, and b)I simply don't have any money at all to buy any of the peaceful pills, SN, or any of the other stuff(since I'm literally jobless and have only 30% in my account) I'm going to be 24 years old by about 2 months. I honestly rather be dead before then.
I've tried to discuss the effects their abuse had on me with my parents but they proceeded to either blame me for what happened( well I wouldn't have done that if you didn't make me) or make fun of me for it and that I should get over it. Plus my mom makes fun of me for wishing for people's sympathy. And now currently I'm taking online classes once again. Alone literally, socially and emotionally. No one understands me or cares about me, and never will. I'm feeling intense emotional pain as I right this and frankly I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm ready to go, unfortunately I just don't have the money(or will) to carry it out. In the mean time I'm going to just lay down and accept my loneliness. Not to mention climate change is on the horizon and is going to wipe a lot of people out, so I might not have that long anyway.
Alright. Sorry for the long winded and stupid rambling and whining. Have a good evening everyone!
2020, with the virus, as well as recent weeks up to today, made me realize that my death is the only way I will have inner peace. Here are my reasons why. So ever since I was born my parents basically beat, yelled, and screamed at me, both of them having very bad tempers and quit to anger over every little thing. My father even told me when I was eight that he wish he wasn't my son when I wouldn't clean my room. My mom would two. This is also related to my mental illness, which causes me to process information slowly, and not be able to do certain things. I wasn't allowed to play with toys or have video games. My dad, who was a religious fanatic, basically taught me when I was little that if I even commit the littlest of sins, that I was going to hell. As well as never allowing me to play with toys, or anything else, to the point where. To this day(I still live with them) they won't let me go anywhere or do anything without their permission. Not to mention they controlled my finances and I always had to ask them permission for money(which they usually give me very little.). Along with the fact that they never taught me much social skills, it caused me to be very socially inhabited and do all sorts of things that I simply didn't know was unacceptable(which as of now I rather not get into) they proceeded to leave me homeless for about a few hours, with me sleeping at my community college's outside concrete floor, without further notice, telling me this after I called for them to pick me up. if it wasn't for my aunts, I would've been in the streets by now since they practically beg my parents to let me back in the house. My dad about a year ago told me that he wished he had other kids to make up for the mistake I turned out be be and that I 'm a disappointment to him and always have been. I see everyone on social media ahead of me in academics, career's and life. Hell I even see many people with one of my disabilities(Autism) my age being more successful then I even dreamed of ,meanwhile this semester I failed about 3 of my 5 classes and had various mental breakdowns(not to mention having to go to the hospital after vomiting blood after several days of exhausting pain in my throat and left ear).
Because of said mental illness I was ignored, condescend and make fun of, I was also told frequently by many of my peers(even those who are white, and even my music teacher in high school(who also refereed to me as a girl too because apparently I act like one)), were say that I'm not black. And combined with me having to deal with the consistent and con descending racism of many others, which I sometimes appealed to in the past just so they could like me( I know utterly pathetic) caused me to be even more miserable. My parents pretty much control everything. People would also say I'm not Haitian (and to this day still does) even though it's very hard for me to learn another language( especially since my parents never bothered to teach me).
My bosses would also scream and yell at me for the little of things, and even many of them who were seemly nice to me, decided to talk shit about me behind my back, calling me the " kid with mental issues" and "retarded". Combined that with the screaming guest constantly yelling and insulting me, other people at my community college calling me those same things. Even been bullied by my mental health counselor who was supposed to help me( I mean she did help me, but she also yelled and screamed at me even though she knows I don't like to be yelled at). . Said mental disorders also caused me be fired too about 2 months after I was brought back in from the layoffs when my state decided to open the parks up with social distancing. And then it all culminated in 2020, after my grandfather died of COVID-19, the family became more tense. My father said that I'm a disappointment and an embarrassment to the family. I got fired from my job, and I managed to fail most of my classes this semester. While I'm preparing to go to school again and still looking for a job, I'm steadily beginning to find all of this utterly pointless. No matter what actions I take, it will ultimately end up misery, differing and pain. For life is pointless anyway. For as the philosophical pessimist would say, you have to embrace the hopelessness, since life is inherently hopeless and futile and will continue to be. Something I've steadily done, especially over this month.
I'm unable to feel any sort of genuine happiness or even joy at this point. The only thing's I feel nowadays are numbing pain or anguish singing deep emotional pain. It's very clear that I'm not gonna be able to survive in this world nay longer, since it's very clear that it doesn't want me here anyway. Not only that but I'm also disgusted by my sensitivity and emotions, since I'm clearly and weak and pathetic for even having them in the first place, sometimes I wish my hear was made of stone. I also don't know who I am since I don't belong in any community nor does nay community seem to want me( I've tried Christianity but then got accused of not being a real Christian overtime), so I don't know who I really I'm , and frankly at this point I don't care. The only thing keeping myself from going through with it is simply myself. Not because of anyone else(because people either don't care for me much or hold me in contempt) but because of my
inherent cowardice.
I see many other people on the internet stating how many people can't stand people like me.
al illness), how I should be killed and that I don't bring much use to society and are basically a burden to society. How the " weak and stupid", meaning people like me, should be killed and that they are a burden to society and should not even be considered. That we don't need these people(meaning people like me) . Last time I confess my feelings(not about suicide but about my depression), I lost a lot of friends and was told I was whining and that I need to get over it. And the one's that did help me were clearly using me for other purposes(self-image, useful pawn)
After I ended up in the hospital. So my mom ( who is divorcing my father and has been talking) decided to go to this dinner with him and his family. I asked her how come I can't come. She stated that I'm still sick(I'm pretty much close to better at this point) and that I should be happy that I'm alive. My father an hour later left the house for Thanksgiving celebration at church. So in November, pretty much for the remaining hour, I much proceeded to broke down and cried and then ate alone. Something similar happened on Christmas. And so it truly reveled how utterly alone I am, and how utterly inconsequential I am to most people, including my own family. And now I shall be doing online classes again and be forced to endure it all over again. But honestly, I can't stand this anymore. It's be several years, and life's not getting better. The only reason why I'm not dead is simply because a)I'm a coward and I'm afraid of the side effects, and b)I simply don't have any money at all to buy any of the peaceful pills, SN, or any of the other stuff(since I'm literally jobless and have only 30% in my account) I'm going to be 24 years old by about 2 months. I honestly rather be dead before then.
I've tried to discuss the effects their abuse had on me with my parents but they proceeded to either blame me for what happened( well I wouldn't have done that if you didn't make me) or make fun of me for it and that I should get over it. Plus my mom makes fun of me for wishing for people's sympathy. And now currently I'm taking online classes once again. Alone literally, socially and emotionally. No one understands me or cares about me, and never will. I'm feeling intense emotional pain as I right this and frankly I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm ready to go, unfortunately I just don't have the money(or will) to carry it out. In the mean time I'm going to just lay down and accept my loneliness. Not to mention climate change is on the horizon and is going to wipe a lot of people out, so I might not have that long anyway.
Alright. Sorry for the long winded and stupid rambling and whining. Have a good evening everyone!
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