Story My deadline is ending sooner than I think.

[imonadeadline]

As some of you may or may not know, my username references my set deadline of getting my shit together. I promised myself that if I am not better and happy by the time I turn 22, then I have the right reason to just end my life. I'm 20 now, so I'm still 2 years off, but things have been bad again. Suicidal ideation passes by me everyday as I no longer look at the trees to let my eyes rest on the leaves (I've heard that looking at nature helps rest your eyes.), I now only focus on the branches and look for the sturdiest one to possibly hang a noose on. And just this week, I had to face what I have been avoiding for a while. I know that I am not particularly performing well in school and I expected this, but I didn't expect such a huge drop in my grades. It's almost impossible for me to recover without perfecting and acing every activity and quiz that they give us. If I fail, it's over. I have to retake the class which will get me enough scolding to curse the next three generations of my bloodline. Personally, I don't want to deal with that.

It seems cowardly, but if I do fail, I think I'm going to have to cut that deadline short. I can't deal with it, I simply can't. I will try my best on my finals, but if I fail, I'll have to use one of the methods that I've seen on here.

It sucks, it does. I just attended a concert that honestly gave me back a lot of hope. I met my online friend and she made me want to live. I even told her that if she wants me to live, I will try my damn hardest to. She knows about my struggles, she knows about my deadline, and I know that this will hurt her. But I am tired, I can't keep going like this. I am no longer good at the things that I used to be good at.

A lot of my friends and peers would be confused by my passing, I know. I've put up a happy front in front of them for so long, I seem normal despite my self-deprecating jokes. But again, as much as it hurts me to hurt them, I can't stay.

I want to live for me, I don't want to live because they expect that I am okay all the time.

Please wish me luck on my finals for this semester, because I still somehow want to live.

 

[Scythe]

Good luck on the finals! Get 8 hours of sleep night before, and do you actually need the near prefect score to pass? Are u somewhere in Asia?

And I'm sure your friend will understand your decision, whatever it may be.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway best of luck.