Discussion My daughter's suicidal... what do i do now?

[Devils_candY]

Hey family, I don't post here much cause I frequent Reddit more often. Though im going through something that is really hurting my heart in a massively unstable way... advice? Please? ...

My 13 year old daughter is suicidal... she was just moved to a school that is geared towards emotionally unstable kids. She's been hospitalized multiple times for self harm/suicidal ideations and attempts. She has attempted suicide twice...

Here's my obvious, yet complicated predicament.

I myself am a cutter, too the point that I was recently hospitalized for 8 days do too a cutting incident on my leg. And a little more of a 'DuH', I'm suicidal. So the point outta this mess is... wTfFfF do I do now? I mean think for just a short second and adore the irony.

Do I approach her? Try to connect on a deeper(SaddeR) level? Do I go to her with open arms and confess myself to her? I mean if I go to her im almost giving her a reason and alibi for a devious act constructed for defense and performed with an honest air... if I don't go to her and she ctb without an understanding about the deeper level we could connect, and even though I'm sure I'll be sad, I mean of course. Though I'd be relieved knowing her pain is over, just as I would any of you... this is a shitty situation...

Let me know your thoughts, please lol. Keep lookin up at those stars! You matter to me!!¡¡

 

[noaccount]

Oh damn that's around the age it got really bad for me too. :(

I mean sometimes all we can really do is listen, right? Is she finding the new school any better/worse than the old one? Sometimes those ones are a lot more prison-like. And I mean just emphasize that her finding relief from pain, peace of mind, is more important than getting good grades, what teachers or other kids think of her, etc. Being a person in her corner about whether she wants to use psych drugs or not, whether she finds a given counselor helpful or competent or not, not insisting that things are "helping her" if she says they're not. Believing her about whatever she says she's angry about and not calling that anger just a symptom of whatever psych-diagnoses get thrown around.

Welcome (back) and sorry you're here xo

 

[czx85]

Just for me personally, if my parents are also suicidal just like I do, I would prefer them to not to confess it in front of me...

 

[Rayzieka]

I never did when my mom would confess her suicidal feelings to me. Although it might've been part because she was blaming me.
But even if she wasn't it would've been awkward and given me an even more grim out loud on the future as a teen.
You might have to bite this one down and not bring it up but only offer support in recovery.

 

[All Things Must Pass]

Just for me personally, if my parents are also suicidal just like I do, I would prefer them to not to confess it in front of me...

I would because it would make it less shocking if one of us CTB. We need to normalize suicide.

 

[k75]

I'm not sure you should completely confess everything to her, because I think that's a burden a kid doesn't need. I think it would just add another layer of worry to anything she's already experiencing. But I personally would reach out to her and let her know that you do understand and that you are there to talk to and won't judge her for anything. I think it's really important to let her know that you're a safe person to come to if she needs it.

My son went through similar stuff with the hospitalizations and suicidal thoughts, depression, all that. He made it through and is doing okay now, but that's how I handled it. I was just open with him but I didn't burden him with the extent of my own problems. And it did help him trust me, and he was able to ask me to get him help when he needed it, which was awesome. The times he was hospitalized were by his own choice, not mine. So I think it makes a lot of difference.

I totally understand how you're feeling. There were times when I felt very hypocritical because I was struggling so hard myself, but at the same time fighting to keep my son alive. But at the end of the day that's a parent's job, I guess? To be there and try to help them through it.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I can't stand it when my parents smother me. Yes, my mom has mental health issues of her own, but I would not feel comfortable going into detail about mine with her. My father is just a complete idiot on the issue and doesn't understand it at all, and doesn't listen to me.

I obviously can't speak for your daughter, but I would say at least offer her your support. If she is open to it, she will come to you. Don't force any discussion. Most importantly, if you do have that discussion, be completely non-judgemental about what she says.

I say this as a 21 year old who lives with his father.

 

[domedune]

I mean if I go to her im almost giving her a reason and alibi for a devious act constructed for defense and performed with an honest air...

What do you mean by this?

To answer what I think you're asking, I think this varies from person to person, but I wouldn't want to know my parent is suicidal. It would worry me and put tremendous pressure on me. Children shouldn't have to bear the burdens of their parents.

Sharing your experiences with self-harm I'm more on the fence about. My dad telling me about his past depression and alcohol abuse has not taking a huge toll on me. Conversely, it made me feel understood. Similarly, my friend's mom told her about her past with self-harm, and it seemed my friend felt understood and was not burdened by the knowledge. However, self-harm seems to be a current problem for you, so I'd be hesitant to tell your child about it.

I say this as a 19-year-old.

I would because it would make it less shocking if one of us CTB. We need to normalize suicide.

I would because it would make it less shocking if one of us CTB. We need to normalize suicide.

I believe in normalizing suicide as well, but this is a 13-year-old we're talking about. She's probably still legally dependent on her mother. Even if she isn't, 13-year-olds shouldn't have to worry about their parents walking out on them (I'm not saying that OP is advocating for this btw). If there's one group of people who maybe should stay alive, it's parents. Passing on the burden of life to others means you have to take some responsibility, hoepfully until your child can live independently.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my opinion, I would just be there for her, and support her, you understand her pain more than anything. I don't think I would tell her that I am suicidal as it would probably worry her a lot and might make her feel worse, if she is suicidal she is already struggling mentally. I just think in general, telling family members you are suicidal isn't always the best thing as others find it hard to deal with it. I wish you the best.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

Communication is really important, you should let her know that you're there for her to talk to about anything she wants and that you won't judge her for it. It's hard to bring this stuff up unprompted through, so you might also wanna ask stuff like "Do you wanna talk about it?" when you notice she's feeling bad.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've been suicidal since I was 12 so I probably know what you're daughter is going through.

I'll tell you what I would've liked my parents to do when I was that age:

-Explain to me that I could just be transferred to another school if my classmates were the ones making me be suicidal.

-Talk to me about life and death and not sound like pro-lifers saying that living is the only choice because I'll go hell otherwise.

-Ask me what I really want apart from ctb. Help me to find a hobby or something.

-Not force me to go to therapy or seeing a psych if I don't want to.

-Last but not least, just hear what I have to say everyday, even if they don't like it! (this is very difficult because when you're a teenager you don't really want to talk to your parents but I think if they show you can really do it because they won't judge you, it's possible)

And that's basically it. I think that would've helped me when I was 12, at least.

Wish you the best with your daughter, pal.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Devils_candY]

What do you mean by this?

To answer what I think you're asking, I think this varies from person to person, but I wouldn't want to know my parent is suicidal. It would worry me and put tremendous pressure on me. Children shouldn't have to bear the burdens of their parents.

Sharing your experiences with self-harm I'm more on the fence about. My dad telling me about his past depression and alcohol abuse has not taking a huge toll on me. Conversely, it made me feel understood. Similarly, my friend's mom told her about her past with self-harm, and it seemed my friend felt understood and was not burdened by the knowledge. However, self-harm seems to be a current problem for you, so I'd be hesitant to tell your child about it.

I say this as a 19-year-old.

I would because it would make it less shocking if one of us CTB. We need to normalize suicide.



I believe in normalizing suicide as well, but this is a 13-year-old we're talking about. She's probably still legally dependent on her mother. Even if she isn't, 13-year-olds shouldn't have to worry about their parents walking out on them (I'm not saying that OP is advocating for this btw). If there's one group of people who maybe should stay alive, it's parents. Passing on the burden of life to others means you have to take some responsibility, hoepfully until your child can live independently.

Thank you for the thoughts. No matter age or not, we all have our burdens, and passing knowledge, like you stated, could be helpful(my mother went to rehab when I was 13, and when she got out she slit her wrists. She survived, but it took a toll on me that I didn't fully understand till I was in my early 30's)... I'm not advocating the loss of a parent. I know losing my father in my life still takes a toll on me. After my mother went to rehab my father divorced her, went rogue, and is now serving 3 life sentences in prison. Even though he's still alive im scarred, eternally. I will never forget the day driving on Wolf road in Des Plaines IL my father looked at me and said, "son, I am divorcing your mother. I just don't know who she is now that she's sober"(btw, that decision is what spurred my mother's suicide attempt). That day, 13 years old, I shrugged it off, but that's a memory that I'll never forget and is constantly present in my thoughts and I cry myself to sleep over it many days. I advocate for freedom of decision. I'm not pro-life or choice. Im simply a person that thinks if it's your belief, stand your ground and don't falter. I, stand for life choices and the toll they take on your psyche. I dunno if that makes sense, but it is what it is. I agree with the parent being the strong one. Supporting your daughter, in my case, should be number one. And that's the stance I'm trying to take. The problem is, I wouldn't ask my daughter to avoid the issues leading her to make the decisions she has and will. As I wouldn't ask any of you to do something that'll scar you. I've lived 23 years with almost constant suicidal ideations, and it's been hell. I have attempted 7 times, and want to make the 8th work, but I'm afraid to leave my daughter behind. I think im talking in circles, sorry. I've just got so much in my head. What ifs, how so's, should I's, etc.... and im sorry if this has burdened anyone. Im just really lost on what to do. I don't want to lose my daughter at such a young age... and her mother, my x, took her life 3 years ago. She is already out a mother and I couldn't imagine the pain of losing me would cause. Nobody should have to carry that burden.

I want everybody to know im thankful for the comments, advice and catharsis. Thank you. A common theme, support. My mom and grandmother both know im suicidal and strangely enough, they support me in my ultimate decision. I as well support my daughter. As I supported my x, and best friend who also took his life a few months back... I'm surrounded by sadness and im tired... but I will never leave my beautiful daughter behind. I think I'll approach her and give her a bit of my soul sho she'll hopefully feel understood, cause I know that is all I ever wanted, support and understanding.

Thanks. Keeps your heads up. If nobody else does, I love you. I support you. I understand you. You're beautiful in your own way. Don't ever forget that...

 

[Devils_candY]

In my opinion, I would just be there for her, and support her, you understand her pain more than anything. I don't think I would tell her that I am suicidal as it would probably worry her a lot and might make her feel worse, if she is suicidal she is already struggling mentally. I just think in general, telling family members you are suicidal isn't always the best thing as others find it hard to deal with it. I wish you the best.

Thank you. I think keeping pain in and harboring it rather than confronting it is more than painful, as well as damaging. My close family knows im suicidal. And it wasn't just "found out"... I came out and told them. Funny thing. They support me in any decision I ultimately make. I tell them make every conversation count cause it could be our last... and they do just that. I hope I can secure a relationship with my daughter along similar lines of understanding before she goes, if she goes... either way, the pain is real.

 

[Devils_candY]

I've been suicidal since I was 12 so I probably know what you're daughter is going through.

I'll tell you what I would've liked my parents to do when I was that age:

-Explain to me that I could just be transferred to another school if my classmates were the ones making me be suicidal.

-Talk to me about life and death and not sound like pro-lifers saying that living is the only choice because I'll go hell otherwise.

-Ask me what I really want apart from ctb. Help me to find a hobby or something.

-Not force me to go to therapy or seeing a psych if I don't want to.

-Last but not least, just hear what I have to say everyday, even if they don't like it! (this is very difficult because when you're a teenager you don't really want to talk to your parents but I think if they show you can really do it because they won't judge you, it's possible)

And that's basically it. I think that would've helped me when I was 12, at least.

Wish you the best with your daughter, pal.

Hugs,

Matt

Matt,

Thank you. I too was suicidal at 12, 23 years ago. My ideations haven't changed to this day...

I completely agree with you. We should be able to trust our parents, especially when we're a confused and hurting teenager. I know my parents took a separate route with me. My father was abusive, but would try to make up with throwing money at the problem. Taking us on vacations, then beating us in the hotel only to wake up the next day to pretend we're a normal family. My mother was an angel though, and even though she was absent hiding with a bottle fire a long time, she has more than made up for it.

I appreciate you and your thoughts and advice. Thank you for being you. My names Bael. And now we're on a first name basis. Lol. Keep your heart pure, and don't forget to be yourself.

Much love,
Bael