Over a very long time period I had close to zero matches. I invested fucking 75 Euros into it for basically nothing. I had a match with an autistic woman who was very weird. She rejected me after 3 dates. I more or less lost hope in dating apps completely. I started to use it in April. It frustrated me so fucking much and made my depression worse. In October a woman from my self-help group confessed to me she might have feeling for me. Later I found out she is a player. She has a bf and was in contact with 3 men besides her bf in whom she was interested. Some suggested me her behavior is a total red flag. She was in a relationship when she met her current bf and the pattern just continued. Her behavior sort of disgusted me but I was pretty desperate. After the second date she rejected me. I was too clingy. I think I texted her way too often. Now retrospectively I know why. She had to handle 4 men at the same time. XD Like what the fuck. I almost killed myself when she rejected me. I thought there are systemic reasons why I cannot find a gf. I am 27 and never was in a relationship. My friends called the police otherwise I would probably be dead now. The stay in the clinic for acute suicidal people was a living nightmare.
At the end of the year I was my friends annual New Years party. Usually I am pretty depressed. But I felt better I don't know why. I was more optimistic without a reason. A friend of mine started a dating app. And in contrast to me he had a plan more than wasting money for a brain fart. He gave me good advices. More pictures in nature, my old profile looked inauthentic. ( I had no clue of what women wanted. I just emphasized several times than I mean it serious. And I want a longterm relationship. Which was sort of dumb because almost all men pretend that there.)
I tried more wittty humor. It was so painful to improve my profile because all the rejection there induced so much pain. But I did it. I think at the New Years party or the day after I got a like. A like does not have to mean much. Two times I got likes of a drag queen.
The next day I matched with her. And it was one of the first women that really interested me with whom I had a chat. The contact developed extremely fast. It got emotionally very deep. She started sexting with me. She initiated it. The first month was amazing. I felt sort of in love. We had webcam sex and it was thrilling. She sent me nudes all the time. My friends said that is sort of dangerous. After one month we met. We became intimate sort of. She completely changed afterwards. She turned out as borderline patient. She sort of manipulated me 1,5 months. I clinged to her. I thought maybe it is only a phase. But finally I stopped texting her.
Now 1 week later I had a new match on dating app. The women I talked with thus far all complimented me for our conversations. I still don't get that many matches. I think I screwed up the algorithm. But when I get a match and the conversation takes place everyone thus far likes it. / I get sort of megalomaniac because of that). I text again frequently with a woman. And damn she is gorgeous. Today we had a pretty deep conversation. She comes from Syria and lives in Germany for 10 years. She revealed she had mental issues. And some severe somatic problems. She might want children but only adoption. She is 22 I think there is still some time. I tend to no children. I pray to God she has no borderline. However, there are some signs. Maybe I am paranoid. Today I revealed to here that I experienced domestic violence as child. She sort of called that oversharing. We talke about boundaries and this topic was very personal, deep and emotional. She revealed some things about her past to me. I think it was a pretty good conversation and I am glad I brought it up. Again I have to shut up towards women about my suicidality. But I have to do this with all of them. I almost killed myself in October because of a rejection and existential sorrows. I have no problems not to talk about it with her. My two closest friends know it all though. I think if she realized in which bad shape I am she will drop me. But all the woman I date never found that out. It is a part I don't show them. It would be a massive red flag. Thus far she seems to be pretty interested in me and she said to me she sees forward to meet me in real life. She is pretty close to where I live. In one week college starts and I will be pretty paranoid. If I ruin it because of that it will make me pretty suicidal. I have no answer for that. College is way too much stress. I am so anxious. I need a solution.
Today an right-wing extreme acquaintance hit me up up and whined about his love life. All my friends hate him and tell me to cut him off. He talked so much bullshit. I am so sick of it. I ghosted him a long time. How shall I explain the contact to the Syrian refugee I date? I will cut him off again. He said some totally insane things again which sounded sort of psychotic. And he has more success with women than me. According to him despite the fact he is an asshole.
I see some issues between us. Me and the new women from that dating app. She easily calls something self-pitying. I think she dislikes negativity. She does not like oversharing and I tend to do that. She has a weird relationship to secrets. She said it was naive from me to tell her that I experienced violence as child becaue you cannot trust strangers. Except of that we have a good chemistry.
At the end of the year I was my friends annual New Years party. Usually I am pretty depressed. But I felt better I don't know why. I was more optimistic without a reason. A friend of mine started a dating app. And in contrast to me he had a plan more than wasting money for a brain fart. He gave me good advices. More pictures in nature, my old profile looked inauthentic. ( I had no clue of what women wanted. I just emphasized several times than I mean it serious. And I want a longterm relationship. Which was sort of dumb because almost all men pretend that there.)
I tried more wittty humor. It was so painful to improve my profile because all the rejection there induced so much pain. But I did it. I think at the New Years party or the day after I got a like. A like does not have to mean much. Two times I got likes of a drag queen.
The next day I matched with her. And it was one of the first women that really interested me with whom I had a chat. The contact developed extremely fast. It got emotionally very deep. She started sexting with me. She initiated it. The first month was amazing. I felt sort of in love. We had webcam sex and it was thrilling. She sent me nudes all the time. My friends said that is sort of dangerous. After one month we met. We became intimate sort of. She completely changed afterwards. She turned out as borderline patient. She sort of manipulated me 1,5 months. I clinged to her. I thought maybe it is only a phase. But finally I stopped texting her.
Now 1 week later I had a new match on dating app. The women I talked with thus far all complimented me for our conversations. I still don't get that many matches. I think I screwed up the algorithm. But when I get a match and the conversation takes place everyone thus far likes it. / I get sort of megalomaniac because of that). I text again frequently with a woman. And damn she is gorgeous. Today we had a pretty deep conversation. She comes from Syria and lives in Germany for 10 years. She revealed she had mental issues. And some severe somatic problems. She might want children but only adoption. She is 22 I think there is still some time. I tend to no children. I pray to God she has no borderline. However, there are some signs. Maybe I am paranoid. Today I revealed to here that I experienced domestic violence as child. She sort of called that oversharing. We talke about boundaries and this topic was very personal, deep and emotional. She revealed some things about her past to me. I think it was a pretty good conversation and I am glad I brought it up. Again I have to shut up towards women about my suicidality. But I have to do this with all of them. I almost killed myself in October because of a rejection and existential sorrows. I have no problems not to talk about it with her. My two closest friends know it all though. I think if she realized in which bad shape I am she will drop me. But all the woman I date never found that out. It is a part I don't show them. It would be a massive red flag. Thus far she seems to be pretty interested in me and she said to me she sees forward to meet me in real life. She is pretty close to where I live. In one week college starts and I will be pretty paranoid. If I ruin it because of that it will make me pretty suicidal. I have no answer for that. College is way too much stress. I am so anxious. I need a solution.
Today an right-wing extreme acquaintance hit me up up and whined about his love life. All my friends hate him and tell me to cut him off. He talked so much bullshit. I am so sick of it. I ghosted him a long time. How shall I explain the contact to the Syrian refugee I date? I will cut him off again. He said some totally insane things again which sounded sort of psychotic. And he has more success with women than me. According to him despite the fact he is an asshole.
I see some issues between us. Me and the new women from that dating app. She easily calls something self-pitying. I think she dislikes negativity. She does not like oversharing and I tend to do that. She has a weird relationship to secrets. She said it was naive from me to tell her that I experienced violence as child becaue you cannot trust strangers. Except of that we have a good chemistry.
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