Venting my dad humiliates me in public

[ketchup sandwich]

I got manic early this year and was arguing with my parents and sister.. blaming them for my eating disorder. Ever since, my Dad has gotten vengeful. He brings up bad/shameful/embarrassing things I've done throughout my life, in public, often. He is textbook toxic.. puts me down, laughs at me.. his words drip with insecurity. Patronizing.. doesn't listen. He randomly brings up horrible things I never did, or exaggerated versions of my worst moments, at family parties or around strangers. People typically give him blank looks while he does this and he just giggles to himself, looking down, totally unaware of and unconcerned with the reactions of others.. it's sad how much he's changing. I am partially responsible, I shamed him and blamed him and it triggered something in him. His resentment is here to stay. He was always a bit passive aggressive, but his resentment has become overt. Last time I saw him he told me he wishes he never met my mom. So many damaging words delivered with a smile on his face... he regularly mocks my uncle (his brother) for his untreated bipolar disorder, I admitted to my dad that I'm afraid he sees me the same way he sees his brother- as a clown/loser.. ever since I admitted this fear, my dad makes jabs comparing me to his brother. He's been increasingly acting like an emotionally abusive partner- similar to abuse I endured from a friend with BPD.. it feels so bizarre to have that dynamic with my own father. I just want to tell him I hate him, resent him and blame him for everything, then never talk to him again.. but I think he'll get that message when I CTB.

Many people don't even have fathers in their lives. I know I'm being ungrateful, but ever since my dad admitted he wishes he never met my mom, I've felt like I shouldn't exist. My dad's genetics, my family name- it dies with me and I'm so happy about this. Some part of me wants to CTB to end my pain, but another part wants to punish my parents.. like their son's suicide is karma returning back to them. Justice.
Though, part of me feels the opposite, I freak out imagining my family after I CTB. My father would be crushed... Would he? no one deserves such a fate. I'm so confused.

Ultimately nothing to sweat, we all return to the dirt.. just a privilege to be alive at all.. being a human currently alive right now is wild.. it's disorienting how quickly I switch from self-pitying despair to grateful to be alive back to depressed, all within a minute, ahh I feel like human minds are too powerful I can't handle thoughts or feelings just want to die ahhh.. truly a privilege tho for real, what a life

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people can be so awful, I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that. No one should be treated that way. The way you feel is understandable. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Your dad is a piece of shit. Fuck him

 

[Deadweight]

I got to a point where I wrote my father off. As soon as I was in a position to, I cut all contact with him. For a while he would swing around and call out my name from outside, and I would just hide inside my home and wait for him to go away. Often he would call me on private or unfamiliar numbers to trick me into taking his call. But after a while he gave up. It's been a while now but I'm still scared he'll show up. Even when I'm outside, I'm paranoid he'll be just around the corner.

Sorry you got a fucked up father, hope you can get away, because I don't think they change. In my experience when they openly resent you like that, they just get worse.

 

[dyingalone123]

My dad does the same crap with me. So I understand. I'm going to ctb - one of the reasons is because I don't want to deal with his ass. He ain't croaking anytime soon. Despite smoking since he was a kid, he ain't dying. All that verbal abuse and garbage I take from him has damaged my psyche. Fuck him. I want the world to know - he's caused my death.

 

[Brokensaddle]

My dad brings up bad/shameful/embarrassing things I've done throughout my life, in public, often. He's so insecure. He always puts me down, laughs at me, seems to always try to one-up me constantly. Even when he seems nice he's being patronizing. He randomly brings up horrible things I never did, or exaggerated versions of my worst moments, while giggling. Last time I saw him he told me he wishes he never met my mom. He always says stuff like that to me- damaging words with a smile on his face... he constantly makes fun of my mentally ill uncle (his brother), I admitted to my dad that I'm afraid he sees me the same way he sees his brother- as a clown/loser.. ever since I admitted this fear, my dad constantly compares me to his brother. He's been increasingly acting like an emotionally abusive partner- similar to a toxic dynamic I once had with someone with BPD.. feels so wrong to have with my own father, I just want to tell him I hate him, resent him and blame him for everything, then never talk to him again.. but I think he'll get that message when I CTB

Many people don't even have fathers in their lives. I know I'm being ungrateful, but ever since my dad admitted he wishes he never met my mom, I've been so upset. It feels like everyone in my family is an immature, narcisistic, insufferable person- including myself. my genetics, my family name- it all dies with me and I'm so happy about this. Some part of me wants to CTB to end my pain, but another part wants to punish my parents.. like their son's suicide is karma returning back to them. Justice.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to gone through I have had similar experience with my family. Best thing is to ignore it and put some distance. Hopefully you dad gets bored but this is not okay and really awful

 

[ascetic_]

You're not being ungrateful. Your feelings are valid, because you're dealing with an energy vampire.

He's projecting all of his unhappiness onto you.

Honestly? I feel like the best revenge wouldn't be to CTB over this asshole, but to become a success in spite of him.

But it is what it is.

 

[canna2]

I got manic early this year and was arguing with my parents and sister.. blaming them for my eating disorder. Ever since, my Dad has gotten vengeful. He brings up bad/shameful/embarrassing things I've done throughout my life, in public, often. He is textbook toxic.. puts me down, laughs at me.. his words drip with insecurity. Patronizing.. doesn't listen. He randomly brings up horrible things I never did, or exaggerated versions of my worst moments, at family parties or around strangers. People typically give him blank looks while he does this and he just giggles to himself, looking down, totally unaware of and unconcerned with the reactions of others.. it's sad how much he's changing. I am partially responsible, I shamed him and blamed him and it triggered something in him. His resentment is here to stay. He was always a bit passive aggressive, but his resentment has become overt. Last time I saw him he told me he wishes he never met my mom. So many damaging words delivered with a smile on his face... he regularly mocks my uncle (his brother) for his untreated bipolar disorder, I admitted to my dad that I'm afraid he sees me the same way he sees his brother- as a clown/loser.. ever since I admitted this fear, my dad makes jabs comparing me to his brother. He's been increasingly acting like an emotionally abusive partner- similar to abuse I endured from a friend with BPD.. it feels so bizarre to have that dynamic with my own father. I just want to tell him I hate him, resent him and blame him for everything, then never talk to him again.. but I think he'll get that message when I CTB.

Many people don't even have fathers in their lives. I know I'm being ungrateful, but ever since my dad admitted he wishes he never met my mom, I've felt like I shouldn't exist. My dad's genetics, my family name- it dies with me and I'm so happy about this. Some part of me wants to CTB to end my pain, but another part wants to punish my parents.. like their son's suicide is karma returning back to them. Justice.
Though, part of me feels the opposite, I freak out imagining my family after I CTB. My father would be crushed... Would he? no one deserves such a fate. I'm so confused.

Ultimately nothing to sweat, we all return to the dirt.. just a privilege to be alive at all.. being a human currently alive right now is wild.. it's disorienting how quickly I switch from self-pitying despair to grateful to be alive back to depressed, all within a minute, ahh I feel like human minds are too powerful I can't handle thoughts or feelings just want to die ahhh.. truly a privilege tho for real, what a life

First of all, you're not ungrateful. Your mom and dad are the real monsters on this planet. They are disgusting, vile human beings.
Most parents are monsters deep inside and the rest of them are just really stupid. And I mean stupid as in low IQ ( or they operate 100% on autopilot, which I translate to stupid) . They don't understand that they create meaningless suffering and that it's just only for their own benefit.
Yes. Parents only get kids for their own benefits or they are too ignorant to realize what they've done.

Parents are evil incarnate. You should never feel sorry for them. Even if it FEELS WRONG to you, don't. You are correct here.

I truly understand your confusion in all this. It's heartbreaking but I've been there too. Confused about how on the outside people can look so good and warmhearted but when you realize what they have really done - you understand that they are monsters that enjoy watching kids suffer and die.

Also, it's not my business what you do with your parents but I suggest you leave them alone and dont fall lower than they are. In the end its all up to you what you wanna do but my personal opinion is that they dont deserve anything at all.

You're not being ungrateful. Your feelings are valid, because you're dealing with an energy vampire.

He's projecting all of his unhappiness onto you.

Honestly? I feel like the best revenge wouldn't be to CTB over this asshole, but to become a success in spite of him.

But it is what it is.

Energy vampire? Stop lying to the kid, c'mon. It's pretty disgusting to see you lying to a suicidal kid.

 

[stellabelle]

I got manic early this year and was arguing with my parents and sister.. blaming them for my eating disorder. Ever since, my Dad has gotten vengeful. He brings up bad/shameful/embarrassing things I've done throughout my life, in public, often. He is textbook toxic.. puts me down, laughs at me.. his words drip with insecurity. Patronizing.. doesn't listen. He randomly brings up horrible things I never did, or exaggerated versions of my worst moments, at family parties or around strangers. People typically give him blank looks while he does this and he just giggles to himself, looking down, totally unaware of and unconcerned with the reactions of others.. it's sad how much he's changing. I am partially responsible, I shamed him and blamed him and it triggered something in him. His resentment is here to stay. He was always a bit passive aggressive, but his resentment has become overt. Last time I saw him he told me he wishes he never met my mom. So many damaging words delivered with a smile on his face... he regularly mocks my uncle (his brother) for his untreated bipolar disorder, I admitted to my dad that I'm afraid he sees me the same way he sees his brother- as a clown/loser.. ever since I admitted this fear, my dad makes jabs comparing me to his brother. He's been increasingly acting like an emotionally abusive partner- similar to abuse I endured from a friend with BPD.. it feels so bizarre to have that dynamic with my own father. I just want to tell him I hate him, resent him and blame him for everything, then never talk to him again.. but I think he'll get that message when I CTB.

Many people don't even have fathers in their lives. I know I'm being ungrateful, but ever since my dad admitted he wishes he never met my mom, I've felt like I shouldn't exist. My dad's genetics, my family name- it dies with me and I'm so happy about this. Some part of me wants to CTB to end my pain, but another part wants to punish my parents.. like their son's suicide is karma returning back to them. Justice.
Though, part of me feels the opposite, I freak out imagining my family after I CTB. My father would be crushed... Would he? no one deserves such a fate. I'm so confused.

Ultimately nothing to sweat, we all return to the dirt.. just a privilege to be alive at all.. being a human currently alive right now is wild.. it's disorienting how quickly I switch from self-pitying despair to grateful to be alive back to depressed, all within a minute, ahh I feel like human minds are too powerful I can't handle thoughts or feelings just want to die ahhh.. truly a privilege tho for real, what a life

My mother and her husband were both like that. So were my other relatives. It's sad and destructive.
None of us feel "good enough" - and constantly being put down has withered us to the point of no return.

Stupid questions like "you look upset, why?"
Gee, maybe because you're talking about me instead of to me, yet again? Or speaking for me? Just being stupid in general?
I hate them so much. They're so god damn evil and arrogant.

People are so invasive and so rude and don't stop when they're told to stop the first hundred and fifty thousand times.

Then wonder why people start to resent them.

Their insults.
Their put downs.
"Well we just wanted to help."
Since when? Help what? Ruin my life some more?
AWW GUCCI GUCCI GOOOO….

 

[EraseRewind]

My father consistently put me down in public and in private from school age through to early adulthood. I was never quite good enough at anything, it changed who I was and am and destroyed my self esteem. I have constantly got in to risky situations in my life trying to gain some self worth only to come crashing down. Drink helped for a while, but now that's gone I have to live in the hateful world I've crafted for myself. Sometimes I do feel ungrateful then at other times I just don't care at all.

I feel for everyone who goes through this treatment at the hands of anyone, you don't deserve it and it's so wrong and damaging.

Everyone deserves respect and love and I really hope you can find a way through, you deserve a good life.