Sinkinshyp
Paragon
- Sep 7, 2020
- 947
Some of you know my story. My older son died at 25 in a car accident 3 yrs ago. He would be 28 now. I have a younger who was 2 months before turning 17 when he lost his older brother and mother as he knew her that same day. I totally broke when my son died. My younger son moved out 3 months after turning 18 to my ex in laws, he could not handle me how I was. I pushed him to run because I was just so broken. I'm also proud of him to know if he didn't get out he may have been driven to suicide. He will be 20 in January. Our relationship is very distant. I pay his cell bill even though he has a job as a way to keep communication open. I text him 3x a week he doesn't reply. He calls usually once a month. I was born into hell for the first hmm 18 or so years of my life. My kids were my life, my everything my reason to live. My doc has it written down I was sure at 17 I would CTB. I had my older son at 20 he brought so much love and happiness into my life I never imagined such a life could be possible. Than he died and so did I... when my younger son moved out a yr and a half ago almost I had lost anything in life that meant anything. Both my sons- Joey was dead and D ran because I was such a suicidal basket case. I have stayed these almost 3 years for my younger son. I didn't want to cause him more pain and wanted him to know I loved him just as much as his brother so I have existed for HIM.
The day I ordered my SN I could not stop smiling. I have posted about it it's in my postings. I began laughing at my mother pointing up with both hands jumping up and down telling her I'm going I'm going. I was SOOO happy I had a way to go. Trying to make this as detailed and brief as possible. She didn't know why I had such true happiness and questioned me about it. I just told her I had found an organization who could provide me with a peaceful way to go to Joey. I had intended to go Oct 13 the day he died. I got double teamed by her and my bro about 2 days later. Here I sat trying to tell them if I could let you feel the pain I feel for 5 minutes you would totally understand it is selfish to make me stay here...
Sunday my younger son texted me -he NEVER does that. Ma I'll call you tomorrow. He called me yesterday. He has asked me to come stay at my ex in laws with him for a little while. He said I know you don't want to but could you teach me to drive? He went and bought a fishing pole and asked if I could take him to the place I used to take his brother, that was before D came into our lives. He said Gramma and Auntie want to give me the backroom so I can let my dogs out and have more room. He was worried because there was only a futon. He said it's not very comfortable I can buy you a bed if you want. He cares! We figured out I could come about Oct 11th he said ok I'll take the 11th off and the 13th so we can do something for Joey. There was so much more in the conversation. He called me on his break at work. I called my ex in laws and spoke to Gramma. She said he needs me and it would be so good for him if I would come. I owe it to my son to come and try to be strong for HIM. I do not want to cause him any long term issues beyond what he had to go through that yr and a half he was home after his brother died.
My mom, bro, sis in law and 3 nephews live in my home. I spoke with them. They will maintain my home and my birds for a couple of months so I can go see how it's going to work out. I'm taking my dogs and monkey with me. Later my brother came to me and confessed that when I looked him in his eyes and said I am going to Joey Oct 13th he knew I was serious. He took it upon himself to write my younger son in facebook the day we had that conversation about 2 weeks ago now. He told him if you don't reach out to your mother I am afraid she isn't going to be here much longer. I'm afraid she is going to kill herself. Now, my younger hates my brother. I don't know if he even read that message or if he did is that why suddenly he wants me to come stay..
so it's a novel. Yes I still want to CTB. It will not be Oct 13. I do have some hope- that I can rebuild my relationship with my younger son. Maybe repair some damage I caused. Ex in laws said he wont open up about anything to them. Maybe he can finally grieve his brother and loosing me as he knew me. He listened to me hysterically soul deep crying I want to die I want my son for a yr and a half. In my sick mental state I asked him permission to kill myself. Maybe I can try to be strong knowing I lost him for this past yr and a half that I MUST do everything I can to be positive influence in his life now. To let him now grieve his brother and the mom he lost. Studies say teenagers delay their grief of sibling loss for their parents. I know he suppressed a lot due to how beyond destroyed I was. I somehow NEED to be strong enough not to voice how I feel. I will really need y'all because my outlet will only be on here. I'll be between suicide and recovery. As per suggestions.. I am going to try to get telehealth from my insurance. I need a psychiatrist.
The day I ordered my SN I could not stop smiling. I have posted about it it's in my postings. I began laughing at my mother pointing up with both hands jumping up and down telling her I'm going I'm going. I was SOOO happy I had a way to go. Trying to make this as detailed and brief as possible. She didn't know why I had such true happiness and questioned me about it. I just told her I had found an organization who could provide me with a peaceful way to go to Joey. I had intended to go Oct 13 the day he died. I got double teamed by her and my bro about 2 days later. Here I sat trying to tell them if I could let you feel the pain I feel for 5 minutes you would totally understand it is selfish to make me stay here...
Sunday my younger son texted me -he NEVER does that. Ma I'll call you tomorrow. He called me yesterday. He has asked me to come stay at my ex in laws with him for a little while. He said I know you don't want to but could you teach me to drive? He went and bought a fishing pole and asked if I could take him to the place I used to take his brother, that was before D came into our lives. He said Gramma and Auntie want to give me the backroom so I can let my dogs out and have more room. He was worried because there was only a futon. He said it's not very comfortable I can buy you a bed if you want. He cares! We figured out I could come about Oct 11th he said ok I'll take the 11th off and the 13th so we can do something for Joey. There was so much more in the conversation. He called me on his break at work. I called my ex in laws and spoke to Gramma. She said he needs me and it would be so good for him if I would come. I owe it to my son to come and try to be strong for HIM. I do not want to cause him any long term issues beyond what he had to go through that yr and a half he was home after his brother died.
My mom, bro, sis in law and 3 nephews live in my home. I spoke with them. They will maintain my home and my birds for a couple of months so I can go see how it's going to work out. I'm taking my dogs and monkey with me. Later my brother came to me and confessed that when I looked him in his eyes and said I am going to Joey Oct 13th he knew I was serious. He took it upon himself to write my younger son in facebook the day we had that conversation about 2 weeks ago now. He told him if you don't reach out to your mother I am afraid she isn't going to be here much longer. I'm afraid she is going to kill herself. Now, my younger hates my brother. I don't know if he even read that message or if he did is that why suddenly he wants me to come stay..
so it's a novel. Yes I still want to CTB. It will not be Oct 13. I do have some hope- that I can rebuild my relationship with my younger son. Maybe repair some damage I caused. Ex in laws said he wont open up about anything to them. Maybe he can finally grieve his brother and loosing me as he knew me. He listened to me hysterically soul deep crying I want to die I want my son for a yr and a half. In my sick mental state I asked him permission to kill myself. Maybe I can try to be strong knowing I lost him for this past yr and a half that I MUST do everything I can to be positive influence in his life now. To let him now grieve his brother and the mom he lost. Studies say teenagers delay their grief of sibling loss for their parents. I know he suppressed a lot due to how beyond destroyed I was. I somehow NEED to be strong enough not to voice how I feel. I will really need y'all because my outlet will only be on here. I'll be between suicide and recovery. As per suggestions.. I am going to try to get telehealth from my insurance. I need a psychiatrist.
