Story My CTB date is coming, room booked for 2 days

[DeathPurgatory]

My time has come, my life has changed so much since my psychotic break 8 months ago, now I don't take anymore antipsychotics but antidepressants, I fucked up many things in that period, and now even I have a boyfriend and my parents and only 2 friends, the rest of them just walked away and I feel so lonely and shitty, everyday here is like a living hell for me, can't stand this pain nomore. I can't feel no love no more, I enjoy nothing, I've been having the feeling that my end was coming, so know that I have everythings I need, I booked a room in a hotel for 2 nights, as I live with my parents I'm gonna tell them I stay at my bf house, and I'm gonna tell my bf that I got the flu and need to rest. My plan on the first day is to have a last trip on mushrooms and enjoy food. Then I'll start fasting when I go to bed, take the state dose of meto at 11/12 on the morning on ther morning and 1 hour later take the two bottles of N with a shot of some spirit drink after, so I have almost 24 hours ininterrumpted.

 

[No capacity]

I wish I was with you for this. My psychotic break was so bad I lost my family, partner of 7 years and my dogs. I have absolutely no one and work until 10pm every night just to pass my time and then I go home to an empty house and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours, I eventually cry myself to sleep which is the only place I find peace and I prey I just die and then instead I wake up and immediately have a panic attack dreading another day of pure misery. I wish I was able to get N. Need to research a bit but any tips or links to forums would be helpful please. Am new rule and not 100% where to look, which forums to go to and who to talk to

 

[Namgnah]

I wish I was with you for this. My psychotic break was so bad I lost my family, partner of 7 years and my dogs. I have absolutely no one and work until 10pm every night just to pass my time and then I go home to an empty house and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours, I eventually cry myself to sleep which is the only place I find peace and I prey I just die and then instead I wake up and immediately have a panic attack dreading another day of pure misery. I wish I was able to get N. Need to research a bit but any tips or links to forums would be helpful please. Am new rule and not 100% where to look, which forums to go to and who to talk to

I feel kind of same as you. Going to work just to pass your time but for me even at work I'm typing this message and it feels terrible. If you go to the wiki there are books that you can read that talk about how to get N.

 

[randomz]

My time has come, my life has changed so much since my psychotic break 8 months ago, now I don't take anymore antipsychotics but antidepressants, I fucked up many things in that period, and now even I have a boyfriend and my parents and only 2 friends, the rest of them just walked away and I feel so lonely and shitty, everyday here is like a living hell for me, can't stand this pain nomore. I can't feel no love no more, I enjoy nothing, I've been having the feeling that my end was coming, so know that I have everythings I need, I booked a room in a hotel for 2 nights, as I live with my parents I'm gonna tell them I stay at my bf house, and I'm gonna tell my bf that I got the flu and need to rest. My plan on the first day is to have a last trip on mushrooms and enjoy food. Then I'll start fasting when I go to bed, take the state dose of meto at 11/12 on the morning on ther morning and 1 hour later take the two bottles of N with a shot of some spirit drink after, so I have almost 24 hours ininterrumpted.

I am sorry to hear life brought you to this state. I know how it feels to be in your place. I am there now. Can't your boyfriend/family do something to make you feel better? Have you got nothing left to fight for? I am just asking because you need to be absolutely sure about your reasons for such a hard choice.

 

[DeathPurgatory]

I wish I was with you for this. My psychotic break was so bad I lost my family, partner of 7 years and my dogs. I have absolutely no one and work until 10pm every night just to pass my time and then I go home to an empty house and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours, I eventually cry myself to sleep which is the only place I find peace and I prey I just die and then instead I wake up and immediately have a panic attack dreading another day of pure misery. I wish I was able to get N. Need to research a bit but any tips or links to forums would be helpful please. Am new rule and not 100% where to look, which forums to go to and who to talk to

I wanna start a private chat with you but you need more posts.

I wish I was with you for this. My psychotic break was so bad I lost my family, partner of 7 years and my dogs. I have absolutely no one and work until 10pm every night just to pass my time and then I go home to an empty house and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours, I eventually cry myself to sleep which is the only place I find peace and I prey I just die and then instead I wake up and immediately have a panic attack dreading another day of pure misery. I wish I was able to get N. Need to research a bit but any tips or links to forums would be helpful please. Am new rule and not 100% where to look, which forums to go to and who to talk to

I wanna start a private chat with you but you need more posts

I am sorry to hear life brought you to this state. I know how it feels to be in your place. I am there now. Can't your boyfriend/family do something to make you feel better? Have you got nothing left to fight for? I am just asking because you need to be absolutely sure about your reasons for such a hard choice.

Anybody can't do anything for me.. I know it is a hard choice, I think in a year ago and now.. I wouldnt expect this fucking shit...

 

[LMLN]

So sorry you have come to this decision. I wish you peace. ❤

 

[DeathPurgatory]

One more thing I'll do is when I leak the content of the bottles in a glass, gonna go out to the hotel to throw them to the trash, I don't wanna N to have publicity because is gonna affect us making more difficult to obtain

 

[Otter]

I wanna start a private chat with you but you need more posts.

I wanna start a private chat with you but you need more posts

Anybody can't do anything for me.. I know it is a hard choice, I think in a year ago and now.. I wouldnt expect this fucking shit...

Why didn't anybody warn us how ducking hard adulting is? So so sorry life is dealing you some shitty cards. My heart goes out to you for some peace!

 

[overandout]

I wish I was with you for this. My psychotic break was so bad I lost my family, partner of 7 years and my dogs. I have absolutely no one and work until 10pm every night just to pass my time and then I go home to an empty house and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours, I eventually cry myself to sleep which is the only place I find peace and I prey I just die and then instead I wake up and immediately have a panic attack dreading another day of pure misery. I wish I was able to get N. Need to research a bit but any tips or links to forums would be helpful please. Am new rule and not 100% where to look, which forums to go to and who to talk to

Have a look through this

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-dec-2019.30370/

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am sorry for your suffering, and I wish you peace.

 

[No capacity]

Yes I need to post more I think but feel like I'm not experienced enough with the terminology etc, also doesn't help I can't seem to access this at home or on my mobile and only at work @DeathPurgatory how many posts do I need?
I haven't been on this week thanks to landing up arrested on Monday and held for 24 hours and then a further 24 in a one of those "delightful" wards where no one "caring" for you actually understands. Managed to sweet talk my way out of them keeping me as I don't want to wait months and months to do this. I just would love a partner in crime or someone to properly guide me on N or SN, that said, I know I should just read the handbook and other forums etc but its difficult at work
And thank you @overandout

I feel kind of same as you. Going to work just to pass your time but for me even at work I'm typing this message and it feels terrible. If you go to the wiki there are books that you can read that talk about how to get N.

Thank you

 

[DeathPurgatory]

The date is coming.. My only fear is to throw up (Yes, I have my meto), and is very very strange that I vomit.
And I am the only one that feel more frivolous/determined?
As the date is fixed? It is very strange.

 

[Mr2005]

For some of you there's really no messing around. For others this is like a retirement home where we're all just waiting to die

 

[ghostspace]

For some of you there's really no messing around. For others this is like a retirement home where we're all just waiting to die

this is an excellent analogy. I fall into the category of 'retirement home' but who knows what the future holds

 

[Ghost2211]

You're getting closer to your time. How are you feeling? we are here for you regardless of what you choose, and will be here with open arms if you change your mind.

 

[DeathPurgatory]

You're getting closer to your time. How are you feeling? we are here for you regardless of what you choose, and will be here with open arms if you change your mind.

I'm feeling really calm, comparing before getting the 'N', because I needed the most peaceful way to CTB. The day before I'm gonna have my last mushrooms trip and indulge on delicious food. The only thing I'm worry about is about the N flavour and not vomiting (I've got the meto). I'm sorry for those who I'm gonna leave behind but I can't live with so much pain in my soul no more, I tried everything and nothing worked. Thank u @RoseyBird for being so kind :)

 

[a.n.kirillov]

When exactly is your date? Sorry if I overlooked it. I hope your doing alright

 

[LMLN]

I'm feeling really calm, comparing before getting the 'N', because I needed the most peaceful way to CTB. The day before I'm gonna have my last mushrooms trip and indulge on delicious food. The only thing I'm worry about is about the N flavour and not vomiting (I've got the meto). I'm sorry for those who I'm gonna leave behind but I can't live with so much pain in my soul no more, I tried everything and nothing worked. Thank u @RoseyBird for being so kind :)

So sorry to see you go. Peace and love to you.❤

 

[Lostandfound7]

Sorry it has come to this..Have u ever spoken to ur boyfriend n fam about how ur feeling? Just wondering if they're gonna b totally caught off guard..Sorry that this is even an option

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm feeling really calm, comparing before getting the 'N', because I needed the most peaceful way to CTB. The day before I'm gonna have my last mushrooms trip and indulge on delicious food. The only thing I'm worry about is about the N flavour and not vomiting (I've got the meto). I'm sorry for those who I'm gonna leave behind but I can't live with so much pain in my soul no more, I tried everything and nothing worked. Thank u @RoseyBird for being so kind :)

I hope you find peace and relief. You are loved and valued.