I just wanted to write this out because I feel like it needs to be said somewhere. I may also put something like this in my suicide note. I know it probably won't matter, but who knows, if my note ever gets any attention maybe finally something will be fixed (probably not) and at least it might be heard.
Been struggling on and off with depression for years.
Family hasn't had money to pay my psychologist to come as frequently as she needs to for several years now. This has partially been why I've seen almost a total stagnation (and more recently a decline) in my situation. When I was trying to get a job in 2022 and 2023 I was not able to get enough sessions with her to make continuous progress on it purely because I didn't have the money. And in 2022 especially when during the first half of that year I was also very accutely suicidal I was also unable to pay for more than 2 sessions a MONTH.
I thought about ending things about every 5 minutes at the time and I could go to her 2 times a month for one hour.
Beyond that in 2022 I tried to make use of some other institutions my country supposedly has to deal with mental health.
At one of them I was told that I was too suicidal to participate so they sent me on to another organization.
This organization then talked to me online a few times but then told me after a few times that, basically, they're not really there to help deal with long term problems and they can only give a few "sessions." Honestly, the entire thing was a complete waste of time and I didn't benefit from it at all.
Then I tried to find a psychologist who could participate in a sort of "payback" program that my government has. I found one and talked to her. She was a very nice lady but informed me that there was a very strict limit on the number of sessions. As someone accutely suicidal the amount of sessions offered would've never been enough to make a difference.
I then went back to the first organization now that I was slightly less immediately suicidal and this time I got told they don't do online sessions anymore cuz their policy changed. I want to emphasize that I was still thinking about ending things, I couldn't go to them due to issues I had and their solution was to just deny me access.
In other words, if you can't come to our place physically due to the severity of your mental illness, social anxiety, agoraphobia, disability, etc. then you don't deserve to live, I guess.
The psychological healthcare "system" in my country has failed me time and time and time again. There probably would've been a time when my mental health problems could've still been mangeable and I maybe even could've made a significant or complete recovery (back in 2022). But instead I could ping ponged between different organizations which all didn't do anything for me except waste my freaking time and rejected for any sort of substantive treatment.
If I end up being able to end it, I just want to make it clear that my blood is also on the hands of those people. Both those politicians who do nothing while this dysfunctional and wasteful beaurocratic system exists and those people who did things like reject my "application" based solely on the fact that they couldn't be bothered to do it online.
I can only hope that if I end up CTBing, that one day my suicide note will appear on the news and these people will know what they did and never do it again. And maybe there can be reforms to actually help people in the future instead of the useless, dysfunctional mess that exists now. I know it's unlikely, but goddang is it necessary.
Been struggling on and off with depression for years.
Family hasn't had money to pay my psychologist to come as frequently as she needs to for several years now. This has partially been why I've seen almost a total stagnation (and more recently a decline) in my situation. When I was trying to get a job in 2022 and 2023 I was not able to get enough sessions with her to make continuous progress on it purely because I didn't have the money. And in 2022 especially when during the first half of that year I was also very accutely suicidal I was also unable to pay for more than 2 sessions a MONTH.
I thought about ending things about every 5 minutes at the time and I could go to her 2 times a month for one hour.
Beyond that in 2022 I tried to make use of some other institutions my country supposedly has to deal with mental health.
At one of them I was told that I was too suicidal to participate so they sent me on to another organization.
This organization then talked to me online a few times but then told me after a few times that, basically, they're not really there to help deal with long term problems and they can only give a few "sessions." Honestly, the entire thing was a complete waste of time and I didn't benefit from it at all.
Then I tried to find a psychologist who could participate in a sort of "payback" program that my government has. I found one and talked to her. She was a very nice lady but informed me that there was a very strict limit on the number of sessions. As someone accutely suicidal the amount of sessions offered would've never been enough to make a difference.
I then went back to the first organization now that I was slightly less immediately suicidal and this time I got told they don't do online sessions anymore cuz their policy changed. I want to emphasize that I was still thinking about ending things, I couldn't go to them due to issues I had and their solution was to just deny me access.
In other words, if you can't come to our place physically due to the severity of your mental illness, social anxiety, agoraphobia, disability, etc. then you don't deserve to live, I guess.
The psychological healthcare "system" in my country has failed me time and time and time again. There probably would've been a time when my mental health problems could've still been mangeable and I maybe even could've made a significant or complete recovery (back in 2022). But instead I could ping ponged between different organizations which all didn't do anything for me except waste my freaking time and rejected for any sort of substantive treatment.
If I end up being able to end it, I just want to make it clear that my blood is also on the hands of those people. Both those politicians who do nothing while this dysfunctional and wasteful beaurocratic system exists and those people who did things like reject my "application" based solely on the fact that they couldn't be bothered to do it online.
I can only hope that if I end up CTBing, that one day my suicide note will appear on the news and these people will know what they did and never do it again. And maybe there can be reforms to actually help people in the future instead of the useless, dysfunctional mess that exists now. I know it's unlikely, but goddang is it necessary.
