My confession

[Kain10th]

Hello everyone, i just joined this site and wanted to write down my confession here. One of three things are probably gonna happen to me: 1. im going to be sent to prison 2. Im gonna commit suicide 3. I have been granted a 2nd chance in life by fate (but i doubt it)

I am an asshole, and have lived this way my whole life. I am a pathological liar, a narcissist, a crybaby, a wimp, atrociously lazy, gluttonous, have short temper, manipulative, unhygenic, hypocritical, forgetful, no self esteem, self loathing, greedy, impulsive, rude, uncaring, not intelligent, cowardly and selfish. I have failed in everything i've ever tried: jobs, working out, making friends, school, etc. I treat people like they are beneath me and fail to grasp that the world does not revolve around me. whenever a challenge in life presented itself i always chose the easy way through it. I wasted my entire life playing video games and wasted all my money on them including maxing out on credit cards. I didn't love my family enough and now i suspect they hate my guts because of it. I still live with my parents at age 36 and only moved out one semester during college. I have a bad addiction to pornography and the type of porn i watch is repugnant. I have also just refused to grow up and be an adult. Basically all the things many of you probably hate in people, that's me all in one.

I've committed several crimes in my life such as theft, failure to pay taxes, clocked in while i worked at home and didn't do any work and a few other crimes that i won't detail here but trust me when i say i deserve to be locked up for them and will probably be tortured for them badly in prison. I tried to confess to police but they turned me away, however i still think they are investigating me. It's been over a year since then but i think my arrest may happen within the next week or more. If i somehow make it to June, i think it'll be a miracle. past that, suicide is still on the table for me.

I won't expect any sympathy from anyone, i just had to say this somewhere and this seemed like as good a place as any.

 

[itsamadworld]

I hope that you figure out what you will do, and make your peace with it. Things do have a way of catching up with all of us. I am close to your age, so I know this. Best wishes.

 

[Kain10th]

I hope that you figure out what you will do, and make your peace with it. Things do have a way of catching up with all of us. I am close to your age, so I know this. Best wishes.

Yes i would like to make peace with it all, but i just hope it isn't trough getting severely beaten by other inmates in prison

 

[Johny89]

I can recognize myself in many things you said. All I can tell you is that being intelligent would probably not have helped you. I was also somewhat narcissistic (out of defense of my self), I also had no self esteem, problem making friends, being too sensitive, addicted to video games and porn and other things.
Being fucked up by our own genes from the very beginning.

 

[itsamadworld]

Yes i would like to make peace with it all, but i just hope it isn't trough getting severely beaten by other inmates in prison

That is a reality.

 

[Golden-Ivory]

I dont know what u did but i hope u find peace <3

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Being honest with yourself about who you are is a positive step. What you do about it is up to you, whatever you decide I hope you find peace

 

[itsamadworld]

That is a reality.

You could do a pros and cons list....life is tough...a lot of decisions...sorry bro...I won't tell anyone what to do. I wish you well. Peace.

 

[Ange_Fatigue]

Good people does not exist, nor bad people. We just do things, some nice, some nasty.

 

[Kain10th]

Good people does not exist, nor bad people. We just do things, some nice, some nasty.

mine are pretty much all nasty

 

[Golden-Ivory]

Is it ok to ask? But...was it the really bad stuff sending you over the edge and something happening recently that triggered it?

 

[Kain10th]

Is it ok to ask? But...was it the really bad stuff sending you over the edge and something happening recently that triggered it?

It is really bad stuff both recent and over the course of my life. the worst of it happened while i was a kid

 

[terry_a_davis]

@Kain10th You have introspection/self reflection which some don't, is this a new development? Next step would be to try change some of your more harmful ways.

 

[Kain10th]

@Kain10th You have introspection/self reflection which some don't, is this a new development? Next step would be to try change some of your more harmful ways.

I suspect i knew but never acknowledged any of this. I'm just still not prepared for the possible prison sentence that will likely come my way.

 

[terry_a_davis]

I suspect i knew but never acknowledged any of this. I'm just still not prepared for the possible prison sentence that will likely come my way.

It seems you're acknowledging it now which is better than never. Are the police actually involved? The mind can play tricks on you. Stop doing as much harmful stuff as you can.

 

[Kain10th]

It seems you're acknowledging it now which is better than never. Are the police actually involved? The mind can play tricks on you. Stop doing as much harmful stuff as you can.

They sure seem like they aren't on the surface of things, but i feel like they are intentionally making me paranoid so i make mistakes... and i've already made several such as talking to a cop. Even now i think they are tracking me on this forum and computer.

 

[terry_a_davis]

They sure seem like they aren't on the surface of things, but i feel like they are intentionally making me paranoid so i make mistakes... and i've already made several such as talking to a cop. Even now i think they are tracking me on this forum and computer.

I doubt they are trying to make you paranoid to force you into making a mistake, they wouldn't want you to know of their involvement. It's possible your internet use is being examined, everyone's is recorded anyway. Cops hear all sorts i doubt they act on everything they hear. If they haven't made themselves known yet i.e. being arrested then just don't give them any reason to. You cannot undo what you've done, but you can make it worse for yourself if you continue to behave in the same way.

 

[Despondent]

The worst thing someone can do to themselves is ignore things that they know should be changed. Since you acknowledge them, with some support and working on yourself each day, I don't see why you can't become the best version of yourself You know what you've done hasn't been the greatest choices that you've made, so this is your chance to not make those same mistakes. I think you've been through a lot and I think that it might have contributed to you self-sabotaging yourself.. amiright?

 

[autumnal]

Hello everyone, i just joined this site and wanted to write down my confession here. One of three things are probably gonna happen to me: 1. im going to be sent to prison 2. Im gonna commit suicide 3. I have been granted a 2nd chance in life by fate (but i doubt it)

I am an asshole, and have lived this way my whole life. I am a pathological liar, a narcissist, a crybaby, a wimp, atrociously lazy, gluttonous, have short temper, manipulative, unhygenic, hypocritical, forgetful, no self esteem, self loathing, greedy, impulsive, rude, uncaring, not intelligent, cowardly and selfish. I have failed in everything i've ever tried: jobs, working out, making friends, school, etc. I treat people like they are beneath me and fail to grasp that the world does not revolve around me. whenever a challenge in life presented itself i always chose the easy way through it. I wasted my entire life playing video games and wasted all my money on them including maxing out on credit cards. I didn't love my family enough and now i suspect they hate my guts because of it. I still live with my parents at age 36 and only moved out one semester during college. I have a bad addiction to pornography and the type of porn i watch is repugnant. I have also just refused to grow up and be an adult. Basically all the things many of you probably hate in people, that's me all in one.

I've committed several crimes in my life such as theft, failure to pay taxes, clocked in while i worked at home and didn't do any work and a few other crimes that i won't detail here but trust me when i say i deserve to be locked up for them and will probably be tortured for them badly in prison. I tried to confess to police but they turned me away, however i still think they are investigating me. It's been over a year since then but i think my arrest may happen within the next week or more. If i somehow make it to June, i think it'll be a miracle. past that, suicide is still on the table for me.

I won't expect any sympathy from anyone, i just had to say this somewhere and this seemed like as good a place as any.

You mention the police having turned you away when you tried to confess. Can you elaborate a little more about what happened there and what they said? I can tell you that all police absolutely love getting a suspect to say things which incriminate them. A lot of people end up effectively sending themselves to prison by saying things they think will help prove their innocence but actually make things worse. And obviously a confession is even better. So it seems very puzzling that they would turn you away for trying to confess, unless you were somehow unclear or they outright didn't believe you.

A lot of people have frustratingly zero insight into themselves, or are in denial about their issues. It is a positive sign that you show neither of these traits and are able to make a full and frank list of the things you dislike about yourself and your behaviour.

All we can ever do is acknowledge the past and move forward in the present. So while listing things is healthy, they cannot be changed in hindsight and all you can do is be a better version of yourself moving forwards. Suicide as an option to avoid prison is certainly valid, but are there other changes you want to make in the meantime?

I recall in another thread you made comments about wanting to get a public defender. So from that I assumed your mindset was one of contesting any future charges and staying out of prison. But here you mention going in to confess. Which of these is your current mindset, or do you fluctuate between them often?

You mention not expecting sympathy in response to your post. What kind of response did you think or hope you would receive? Or was it just to get the words out of you and recorded somewhere? How do you feel now having done so? Is anything different?

 

[Kain10th]

I'm really at an indecision on what to do except live each day one at a time. Right now I'm just waiting for them to get me at this point only I'm too scared to go out much of the time so I end up staying at home in my bed all day.

 

[SipSop]

Being fucked up by our own genes from the very beginning

I was thinking the same thing the other day!
I am tired when people with options and good looks just tell me to be positive, that there is somebody for me. I am not ugly, but I am not alpha either.
Some people are born lucky, and some people are lucky to be born.

 

[terry_a_davis]

I was thinking the same thing the other day!
I am tired when people with options and good looks just tell me to be positive, that there is somebody for me. I am not ugly, but I am not alpha either.
Some people are born lucky, and some people are lucky to be born.

My genes aren't good I think. Both me and my brother have schizophrenia (I'm in remission, he isn't). We had no money growing up, I'm a 6/10 on looks, I'm naturally shy with people I don't know. Being positive won't do much, making a real effort to change is hard. I'm in a rut now and don't have the willpower to make a real change given my age. Years ago I did have the willpower and turned a pretty crap life into a good one.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You've dropped all kinds of hints in your posts on various threads, including this one, that you've sexually offended against a child/children, and implied that you watch child pornography. (I'm not the first to comment on the offending, just the first on this thread.)

If you've confessed to the police, then maybe it requires corroboration from the victim(s), that's the only reason I can think of why you haven't been arrested. But you've left out a whole lot of details, and dangled a carrot of mystery, and that's some pretty manipulative behavior, getting me and others to try to figure it out, to focus on the mystery and on you.

You've claimed to be a pathological liar and a narcissist, so this confession, and everything you've posted really, could be wind-ups for your own gratification.

Perhaps you really have done horrific things such as you've implied and are feeling awful and need support, but no one on this site is equipped to give you that kind of support. Surely you know that in an environment like this, there are victims of predators, and it's predatory behavior to drop these kinds of bombs to this kind of audience and feed off of their attention, compassion, retraumatization, etc. -- whatever feeds you as narcissistic and/or predator fuel. If you're genuine and feel bad about your behaviors, I suggest you recognize that this is another expression of your issues and stop roping others here into the sickness. No one here can rescue you, and it's perp behavior to put it on to victims to do the rescuing, it's part of the game, whether subconsciously or consciously driven.

I suggest you contact someone who is trained to manage the burdens of confession and can give appropriate advice, like a priest or a therapist who works with sex offenders.

 

[Kain10th]

You've dropped all kinds of hints in your posts on various threads, including this one, that you've sexually offended against a child/children, and implied that you watch child pornography.

If you've confessed to the police, then maybe it requires corroboration from the victim(s), that's the only reason I can think of why you haven't been arrested. But you've left out a whole lot of details, and dangled a carrot of mystery, and that's some pretty manipulative behavior, getting me and others to try to figure it out, to focus on the mystery and on you.

You've claimed to be a pathological liar and a narcissist, so this confession, and everything you've posted really, could be wind-ups for your own gratification.

Perhaps you really have done horrific things such as you've implied and are feeling awful and need support, but no one on this site is equipped to give you that kind of support. Surely you know that in an environment like this, there are victims of predators, and it's predatory behavior to drop these kinds of bombs to this kind of audience and feed off of their attention, compassion, retraumatization, etc. -- whatever feeds you as narcissistic and/or predator fuel. If you're genuine and feel bad about your behaviors, I suggest you recognize that this is another expression of your issues and stop roping others here into the sickness. No one here can rescue you, and it's perp behavior to put it on to victims to do the rescuing, it's part of the game, whether subconsciously or consciously driven.

I suggest you see someone who is trained to manage the burdens of confession and can give appropriate advice, like a priest or a therapist who works with sex offenders.

I understand. I expected more answers like this quite frankly.

 

[autumnal]

You've dropped all kinds of hints in your posts on various threads, including this one, that you've sexually offended against a child/children, and implied that you watch child pornography. (I'm not the first to comment on the offending, just the first on this thread.)

If you've confessed to the police, then maybe it requires corroboration from the victim(s), that's the only reason I can think of why you haven't been arrested. But you've left out a whole lot of details, and dangled a carrot of mystery, and that's some pretty manipulative behavior, getting me and others to try to figure it out, to focus on the mystery and on you.

You've claimed to be a pathological liar and a narcissist, so this confession, and everything you've posted really, could be wind-ups for your own gratification.

Perhaps you really have done horrific things such as you've implied and are feeling awful and need support, but no one on this site is equipped to give you that kind of support. Surely you know that in an environment like this, there are victims of predators, and it's predatory behavior to drop these kinds of bombs to this kind of audience and feed off of their attention, compassion, retraumatization, etc. -- whatever feeds you as narcissistic and/or predator fuel. If you're genuine and feel bad about your behaviors, I suggest you recognize that this is another expression of your issues and stop roping others here into the sickness. No one here can rescue you, and it's perp behavior to put it on to victims to do the rescuing, it's part of the game, whether subconsciously or consciously driven.

I suggest you contact someone who is trained to manage the burdens of confession and can give appropriate advice, like a priest or a therapist who works with sex offenders.

I would have to respectfully disagree with a lot of this. I think the OP has understandably refrained from spelling out those details because of the deep level of shame and stigma from society. He has also probably left out specific details to avoid the risk of being tracked down or incriminating himself as well. Furthermore, the fact that you, me and others have been able to easily guess the nature of his offending means it surely isn't really a 'carrot of mystery' at all.

If the OP had intended to make all of this up for attention, then they would be unlikely to (a) forewarn us that they are a pathological liar or (b) pick a type of offence viewed with such repugnance by society. Certainly it is true that there would be people on this site who have been past victims of that kind of crime, but the reality is that the OP has as much right to be here as they do. Admitting (indirectly) to those kind of crimes is a long way from intentionally traumatising anyone from that background, nor does it attempt to glorify those actions or dismiss their impact on the victims. Like most other kinds of trauma, the practical onus is generally on the sufferer to avoid reminders rather than expecting the rest of the world to change. Anyone from that background who does not want to see (very vague) reminders about that kind of offending could very easily block the OP. Based on your vehemence about this matter, I'm going to speculate that you may also wish to do the same.

It is certainly a very long bow for you to draw in suggesting the OP is fabricating and using such a persona in order to get some kind of kick out of the fact that an unidentified and unknown past victim of abuse might theoretically be seeing his posts and perhaps be bothered by them.

The one thing you are totally correct about is that people on this site are not qualified to give the OP support on his specific area of offending. But he hasn't asked for that. All he does seem to want is to be able to discuss matters relevant to his desire to suicide, which is the same thing any of us want. Certainly the OP would benefit from seeing a specialist therapist, but that doesn't mean he can't also try to find benefit here.

I think as a forum dedicated to a topic as controversial and divisive as suicide, we should similarly strive to be more tolerant and open-minded about other controversial subjects, as long as nothing illegal or deliberately harmful to members occurs.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would have to respectfully disagree with a lot of this. I think the OP has understandably refrained from spelling out those details because of the deep level of shame and stigma from society. He has also probably left out specific details to avoid the risk of being tracked down or incriminating himself as well. Furthermore, the fact that you, me and others have been able to easily guess the nature of his offending means it surely isn't really a 'carrot of mystery' at all.

If the OP had intended to make all of this up for attention, then they would be unlikely to (a) forewarn us that they are a pathological liar or (b) pick a type of offence viewed with such repugnance by society. Certainly it is true that there would be people on this site who have been past victims of that kind of crime, but the reality is that the OP has as much right to be here as they do. Admitting (indirectly) to those kind of crimes is a long way from intentionally traumatising anyone from that background, nor does it attempt to glorify those actions or dismiss their impact on the victims. Like most other kinds of trauma, the practical onus is generally on the sufferer to avoid reminders rather than expecting the rest of the world to change. Anyone from that background who does not want to see (very vague) reminders about that kind of offending could very easily block the OP. Based on your vehemence about this matter, I'm going to speculate that you may also wish to do the same.

It is certainly a very long bow for you to draw in suggesting the OP is fabricating and using such a persona in order to get some kind of kick out of the fact that an unidentified and unknown past victim of abuse might theoretically be seeing his posts and perhaps be bothered by them.

The one thing you are totally correct about is that people on this site are not qualified to give the OP support on his specific area of offending. But he hasn't asked for that. All he does seem to want is to be able to discuss matters relevant to his desire to suicide, which is the same thing any of us want. Certainly the OP would benefit from seeing a specialist therapist, but that doesn't mean he can't also try to find benefit here.

I think as a forum dedicated to a topic as controversial and divisive as suicide, we should similarly strive to be more tolerant and open-minded about other controversial subjects, as long as nothing illegal or deliberately harmful to members occurs.

I acknowledge and accept that we disagree.

 

[I screwed up]

Sorry ur life turned out the way it did. Whatever u decide to do I hope u find peace .. I will pray for u

 

[Kain10th]

I'm not even aware I'm doing anything manipulative unless it's pointed out to me. That's a problem I wish to fix

 

[SipSop]

My genes aren't good I think. Both me and my brother have schizophrenia (I'm in remission, he isn't). We had no money growing up, I'm a 6/10 on looks, I'm naturally shy with people I don't know. Being positive won't do much, making a real effort to change is hard. I'm in a rut now and don't have the willpower to make a real change given my age. Years ago I did have the willpower and turned a pretty crap life into a good one.

I feel you mate, I can relate.
But I did something recently that turned my mood around. Namely, I beginned to visit somebody wich I pay to cook homemade food for me. I was usually neglecting myselg, skipping meals sometimes, not to mention that I isolated myself due to familial neglect. That person is kind and I can talk with, and also I am well feed. This gave me another kick to start to look for the future.
I know how it feels to have only the past to look at, but right now, I feel that I have some energy to try again.
Also, I realised that because I lived in abusive environment in my family, I was not teached how to properly care for my emotions wich is my self. I realised that my emotional body is what drives me, empowers me as a individual. Without it I am numb, empty, frail, weak.
Take care of your emotional body my friend.
I hope it helps.