Story My CO method failed now on to a gun

[Megsallthewaydone]

I had a failed attempt at the co method a few months ago. Charcoal lit outside, coals burning and grey. Took it into bathroom and closed it up blocked off every crack in the door I could find, laid down and was so ready to never wake up.... 2 hours later, my husband was kicking the bathroom door down and I could hear beeping, I'm such an idiot that I forgot to disable smoke/co alarms. I bought a gun yesterday, I've been working on sorting my legal affairs and waiting for the next ptsd episode that I have always wished I'd had a gun for.

I'm only hesitant about this because I'm a mom, that's also the main reason I wanna ctb also though, I can't bare to stay and mess up their lives anymore than I already have

 

[Retched]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain... I too recently bought a gun but decided I can't go through with it after a few attempts... it's really hard. I want to private message you but you're too new to the site, not enabled yet but please message me when you can... I'm here if you need to talk & we have similar situations.

 

[TAW122]

I also have a gun too. I know when things become too unbearably difficult for me, then it will be the final push for me to check out (depending on how bad the situation is and other circumstances surrounding it at the time). For me, just having the exit has made a positive impact on me, as in that I'm a bit less anxious and have some feeling of control over my life.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I had a failed attempt at the co method a few months ago. Charcoal lit outside, coals burning and grey. Took it into bathroom and closed it up blocked off every crack in the door I could find, laid down and was so ready to never wake up.... 2 hours later, my husband was kicking the bathroom door down and I could hear beeping, I'm such an idiot that I forgot to disable smoke/co alarms. I bought a gun yesterday, I've been working on sorting my legal affairs and waiting for the next ptsd episode that I have always wished I'd had a gun for.

I'm only hesitant about this because I'm a mom, that's also the main reason I wanna ctb also though, I can't bare to stay and mess up their lives anymore than I already have

I just know one thing for sure bad moms never admit that they are bad.

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain... I too recently bought a gun but decided I can't go through with it after a few attempts... it's really hard. I want to private message you but you're too new to the site, not enabled yet but please message me when you can... I'm here if you need to talk & we have similar situations.

Thank you for your response and I cannot wait until I am able to respond privately to you. I'm currently alone again and looking for courage for the ctb that remains my only logical destiny

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

I just know one thing for sure bad moms never admit that they are bad.

Wow,

You may not ever know how much perspective that comment brought to me...

 

[Fallen bad23]

Wow,

You may not ever know how much perspective that comment brought to me...

I don't want to be pushy but allow me to share a story with you. My mum is 53 and has been taking care of her own mother, who was in a vegetable state, for over 6 years. My grandmother died last April aging 80 and every single day my mum cries and wishes if her mum was still here. Your kids love you and they need your love and presence. Please don't deny them that.

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

I don't want to be pushy but allow me to share a story with you. My mum is 53 and has been taking care of her own mother, who was in a vegetable stage, for over 6 years. My grandmother died last April aging 80 and every single day my mum cries and wishes if her mum was still here. Your kids love you and they need your love and presence. Please don't deny them that.

Holy feces....



I'm just going to say this, you, "fallen bad23", you may have actually saved their lives in this truly selfless act of enough compassion to use your own time and effort ton educate me in the perspective of a person whom my children would be able to relate... I want to commend as well as thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your comment

 

[Fallen bad23]

We are all here for you. Please feel free to vent anytime you want to. This forum is very supportive . Sending you hugs xx

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

I also have a gun too. I know when things become too unbearably difficult for me, then it will be the final push for me to check out (depending on how bad the situation is and other circumstances surrounding it at the time). For me, just having the exit has made a positive impact on me, as in that I'm a bit less anxious and have some feeling of control over my life.

I can understand and relate... as opposed to crying and philosphying the true meaning of life today as I have been within the past few weeks, I have actually had more than one or two full days of full on reasoning within logic and interest in "life" itself
I will post my next comment as a separate topic and hope that more of u weigh in...

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

The actual factual information we are given as humans.... we are allowed to draw our ow. Opinion from and I choose this one.... this world is complete shit



We are all stupid ignorant fucking ants in a stupid science experiment called "life"

• We are manipulated and brainwashed from birth to believe that the amount of money or monetary value of our lives is IMPORTANT in some way.... bull shit keeps bullshitting until you have a god damn epidemic of fucking mindless ignorant ants on a mother fucking ignorant ass ant farm

Of course it's okay to kill yourselves!!!! No matter what the situation is!!!!

• Why? Because FUCK THE DUMB SHIT I consider myself to be smarter and less ignorant than most and I KNOW that"GOD" is a hilarious improv act that was someone's interpretation of the first alien encounter documented.

Who really cares tho? Lol cuz when we die, we are dead and there will never be any kind of closure for the mystery of the afterlife for anyone!!!! lol stop letting this ignorant and brainwashed ideation that our current species possesses, limit you and your brains potential and logical reasoning or conclusion of the FACTS of "life"




lololololol!!!! We could have been stepped on by humans already if we were lucky enough to end up ants in the giant lottery randomized bowl of DNA available for life creation....



Instead we are all smarter and more emotional than that and now all the sudden there's a whole negative thing surrounding the idea of DEATH even tho it's unavoidable no matter what... haha "PEOPLE" even tho, far more complex or complicated than the fortunate alternative species, they actually possess an advantage of being able to decide when to die as opposed to just waiting on Mother Nature to decide their fate.... and somehow ironically and hysterically they take that advantage over their fellow "possessors of life" and use it to completely over analyze and control the emotions of others.... lol how's that for control freak?!? for us in general as a species to be smart enough to acknowledge those weaknesses ingrained in our fellow mates of similar DNA or/ our " species"??? Hahaha



It's far too deep for us to understand and whether anyone accepts it or believes it.... or wastes all the time and life trying to prove it..... we Will never know what actually happened to create life on earth, or what may Happen after, because who or whatever is responsible for it, is not ready to brag or explain it all to any of us!



So have fun with it, and at least if nothing else take joy or pleasure in your exit, because we are lucky enough to have enough mental substantially to!!!



Don't die scared, sad, confused, disappointed, met down, or any other thing negative. Die happy and die fun, cuz why the fuck not?!

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

We are all here for you. Please feel free to vent anytime you want to. This forum is very supportive . Sending you hugs xx

Hugging you back, with meaning and love

 

[Fallen bad23]

Life is not easy nor it is fun. It ia full of misery, pain, agony, wars ect.. But we do our best to get the best of it. We try to be the best version of ourselves and to be productive. We fall in love and decide to spend the rest of our lives with the one we love. We start a small family and we do our best to make sure that our kids know that their parents love them, we try so hard to raise them to confident and true to themsleves. Money isn't the most important thing in the world, you just need enough money to have food and a house. Even though what I stated before is actually pretty simple to obtain it is very hard to have the mentality to actually have it and keep it and it is the worst challange for some people sometimes.

 

[dysfunctional]

As always , it would be most desirable if you could overcome your situation for youself and your kids. But, if not, the fact that you where able to commit to the CO method, maybe you would have what it takes to pull the trigger. I also wonder why do you want to ctb? Obviously we all have our reasons that may not be relevant to other members, but hey you have a family that you care about so there's something? Like I say you could still have a million good reasons. On the surface my life looks pretty decent- but I've ruined my career with a series of poor decision and a horrific depression has set in. I don't necessarily want to live a life of misery working at jobs I hate- but this thread isn't about me.

 

[ReadyasEver]

I had a failed attempt at the co method a few months ago. Charcoal lit outside, coals burning and grey. Took it into bathroom and closed it up blocked off every crack in the door I could find, laid down and was so ready to never wake up.... 2 hours later, my husband was kicking the bathroom door down and I could hear beeping, I'm such an idiot that I forgot to disable smoke/co alarms. I bought a gun yesterday, I've been working on sorting my legal affairs and waiting for the next ptsd episode that I have always wished I'd had a gun for.

I'm only hesitant about this because I'm a mom, that's also the main reason I wanna ctb also though, I can't bare to stay and mess up their lives anymore than I already have

This had to be terrible. A failed attempt, as many before have said, is gut wrenching. Find some peace in whatever way you can, try to collect your thoughts, and move ahead slowly and deliberately. Very difficult to do, I know, but the only way.

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

This had to be terrible. A failed attempt, as many before have said, is gut wrenching. Find some peace in whatever way you can, try to collect your thoughts, and move ahead slowly and deliberately. Very difficult to do, I know, but the only way.

It's the craziest feeling of finally being understood on an equal intellectual level than I have ever experienced.... who knew this level of human interaction would be effective in keeping me off that bus for another day?!

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

As always , it would be most desirable if you could overcome your situation for youself and your kids. But, if not, the fact that you where able to commit to the CO method, maybe you would have what it takes to pull the trigger. I also wonder why do you want to ctb? Obviously we all have our reasons that may not be relevant to other members, but hey you have a family that you care about so there's something? Like I say you could still have a million good reasons. On the surface my life looks pretty decent- but I've ruined my career with a series of poor decision and a horrific depression has set in. I don't necessarily want to live a life of misery working at jobs I hate- but this thread isn't about me.

Hey, if this thread is an opportunity for you to make progress in your own way, then it is absolutely 100% about you as much as it is about me.


I am a person who was in foster care for more years of their life than they weren't...

I had a series of bad decisions of another human become the worst things to ever happen to me, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse

I have BD and PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder.


I am married to a (ftm trans) man with gender dysphoria as well as narcissistic personality disorder. He is a sociopath and he spends most of his energy and time trying to verbally abuse and/or harm me as much as possible.

I am told and shown on a daily that I am worthless and that I have no positive traits or examples to pass on to the kids I probably should have never had... he says the most painful and hurtful things to me that I have ever heard.

The other side of that remains, however, my children are results of a reckless, addiction driven phase of my life with two different dead beat dads... my husband is the only person in their life that they love and trust on the same level as they do me

I struggle daily on whether or not they are better off now or if they'd be better off after the source of their sleepless nights (screaming and yelling matches with husband) was gone and never to return


Their ages are 8 and 5 and their mental stability fades away from each dentist visit til he next...

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

I just know one thing for sure bad moms never admit that they are bad.

Thats true. They think they are the best in the world.

 

[Final Escape]

I had a failed attempt at the co method a few months ago. Charcoal lit outside, coals burning and grey. Took it into bathroom and closed it up blocked off every crack in the door I could find, laid down and was so ready to never wake up.... 2 hours later, my husband was kicking the bathroom door down and I could hear beeping, I'm such an idiot that I forgot to disable smoke/co alarms. I bought a gun yesterday, I've been working on sorting my legal affairs and waiting for the next ptsd episode that I have always wished I'd had a gun for.

I'm only hesitant about this because I'm a mom, that's also the main reason I wanna ctb also though, I can't bare to stay and mess up their lives anymore than I already have

Do your kids know what's going on? What is the ptsd from? I'm sorry your first attempt failed. A gun is more fail safe for sure.

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

Do your kids know what's going on? What is the ptsd from? I'm sorry your first attempt failed. A gun is more fail safe for sure.

My 8 year old daughter is more aware than my 5 yr old son that mommy is sick and has bad days a lot... she knows I've been hospitalized for it once and my ptsd is from an entire childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and traumatic situations...

Abandonment issues stemming from a he parents that left unexpectedly and abruptly...


Numerous foster homes and youth shelters etc...

 

[Final Escape]

My 8 year old daughter is more aware than my 5 yr old son that mommy is sick and has bad days a lot... she knows I've been hospitalized for it once and my ptsd is from an entire childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and traumatic situations...

Abandonment issues stemming from a he parents that left unexpectedly and abruptly...


Numerous foster homes and youth shelters etc...

Oh gawd, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this :(

 

[Fallen bad23]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this pain. Still I would just like to state few things. First, you are a good person and don't let anyone no matter who that person is to tell you other wise. Second, the fact that your kids like you husband is not enough reason for you to keep putting up with this abuse. You deserve to treated better. If your husband doesn't stop his abusive behaviour then you should leave him at once. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

@Megsallthewaydone what gun are you using? I am using one myself in a few weeks to ctb I will use a Glock 17 9mm shot in the right temple.

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

@Megsallthewaydone what gun are you using? I am using one myself in a few weeks to ctb I will use a Glock 17 9mm shot in the right temple.

I bought a 9mm too...

Don't know much about guns so all I know is it's a 9mm semi automatic I'll put it to the temple as well. What date will you ctb?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I bought a 9mm too...

Don't know much about guns so all I know is it's a 9mm semi automatic I'll put it to the temple as well. What date will you ctb?

March the 5th.

I am kind of a gun nut so I am a bit curious to what gun it is, doesn´t it say on the gun or do you have picture?. (of course not on the site maybe PM or discord)

Btw if you want some NSFW pictures of gunshot suicide I can show you it might help with fear if you have any.

 

[color_me_gone]

Megsallthewaydone,

What you say, and what I am reading are quite conflicting to me.
You are putting yourself down, yet from what I read here, you are articulate, intelligent and philosophical.
I would say that is quite an accomplishment for you,
considering all of the shitty hands you have been dealt in this card game of what we so call "life."

I think perhaps your sociopathic husband is brainwashing you.
I think the only way you can regain your sanity is to separate from him.
No one deserves the kind of abuse you have been suffering.

I think your husband needs serious psychological help.
Likely, he will not admit it or submit to it.
He, not you, is very emotionally insecure, manifesting itself on you, as aggression.
This type of shit happens more than you can imagine.

You owe it to yourself, and your two beautiful children, to get away from this man.
Then you can start to put the pieces of your life, and your children's lives, back together again.
In the long run, that will be better for them, and better for you, than ctb.

Maybe I am wrong, but this is how I see it.
And btw, this is the first time I have ever recommended life over ctb on this forum.
Good luck to you and your beautiful children! <<<Hugs>>>
Jerry

 

[Megsallthewaydone]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this pain. Still I would just like to state few things. First, you are a good person and don't let anyone no matter who that person is to tell you other wise. Second, the fact that your kids like you husband is not enough reason for you to keep putting up with this abuse. You deserve to treated better. If your husband doesn't stop his abusive behaviour then you should leave him at once. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

Thank you. Means a lot

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I guess the temple's all right if you aim back and down. It's important to hit that brain stem from everything I've ever read. Or at least make tomato soup out of it somehow.

 

[John Smith]

I had a failed attempt at the co method a few months ago. Charcoal lit outside, coals burning and grey. Took it into bathroom and closed it up blocked off every crack in the door I could find, laid down and was so ready to never wake up.... 2 hours later, my husband was kicking the bathroom door down and I could hear beeping, I'm such an idiot that I forgot to disable smoke/co alarms. I bought a gun yesterday, I've been working on sorting my legal affairs and waiting for the next ptsd episode that I have always wished I'd had a gun for.

I'm only hesitant about this because I'm a mom, that's also the main reason I wanna ctb also though, I can't bare to stay and mess up their lives anymore than I already have

What were your symptoms after failing at co? Did you pass out from the co or why did you pass out?