I promise you're not weak. And you never deserved any of the abuse you endured.
I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. I can't tell you how much happier I am for it. I'm not trying to derail your thread by telling you this, but because I think the circumstance might resonate with you.
I spent my whole life having one shitty parent project their self-hatred onto me from a young age. They were my first bully. All the internalized misogyny, toxic religious values. It taught me to hate myself, to see myself as not good enough. I was never bad looking or obese, but this parent made me believe that because I had hips and tits that I was a fucking whale. At my thinnest, when doctors actually wanted me to gain weight, I only ever saw myself as fat. I was incredibly insecure and had no self-esteem.
When someone came along who showed interest in me, I was amazed because I thought no one could ever like someone as disgusting as I was constantly told I was. I tried finding the love I never received from this shitty parent, through a relationship.
The problem is that this person was abusive too. They told horrible lies, sexually abused me and are quite narcissistic. But I kept thinking, how else could anyone ever love me?
I wonder if maybe you have gone through something similar, where you've been trying to replace the love you didn't receive through men who took advantage of you.
Once I spent more time in safe spaces where women could openly discuss abuse they faced, I realized that my abuser would never change. And that there are so many better men out there who don't engage in abusive bullshit. Removing toxic influences and people from my life made it easier for me to genuinely love myself. If you're able to do this, I highly recommend it. I know it's not something that everyone has the means to do, but it can be really helpful. Now personally I still plan to ctb, but I have physical illnesses as well.
You didn't deserve what happened to you, and you are not weak. You went through a difficult time, but it does not mean you are weak.