My brain is trying to kill me

[BrokenMess]

I've always had anxiety and tried numerous meds over the years. I found exercise to be my drug, but in a healthy way. However, a year ago my husband admitted to cheating on my for a good part of our marriage, even with prostitutes. We have been together 15 years and have 2 kids together so I am trying to stay and work it through. Problem is, my mind is a fucking trainwreck, way worse than before. My brain literally will not turn off and even haunts me in my sleep. I've been back to therapy, emdr therapy, and doing all I can to nurse my wounds. But I feel I am just doomed and ctb is the only option left. I have contemplated and even left home once thru all of this but it doesnt take away the damage. It just gets rid of the source. I'm 36 have great kids, great friends and family, a great job, blah blah blah...but nothing in my being allows me to appreciate these things anymore like I used to. I have lost myself. I'm afraid to ctb for many reasons but dont want to live in this hell anymore.

 

[C_F]

I'm sorry to hear that your husband did that to you - that's awful. Being in turmoil over this is so understandable. A year is not a very long time to have gotten through this. We all heal on different time lines. Please just keep on doing what you're doing. The right therapist can be a lifesaver, perhaps consider that the one you're seeing is not up to par for what you're going through...

 

[Jean4]

I've always had anxiety and tried numerous meds over the years. I found exercise to be my drug, but in a healthy way. However, a year ago my husband admitted to cheating on my for a good part of our marriage, even with prostitutes. We have been together 15 years and have 2 kids together so I am trying to stay and work it through. Problem is, my mind is a fucking trainwreck, way worse than before. My brain literally will not turn off and even haunts me in my sleep. I've been back to therapy, emdr therapy, and doing all I can to nurse my wounds. But I feel I am just doomed and ctb is the only option left. I have contemplated and even left home once thru all of this but it doesnt take away the damage. It just gets rid of the source. I'm 36 have great kids, great friends and family, a great job, blah blah blah...but nothing in my being allows me to appreciate these things anymore like I used to. I have lost myself. I'm afraid to ctb for many reasons but dont want to live in this hell anymore.

Have you tried medical marijuana along with any psych meds. It has helped me. Doesn't take away the thoughts, but makes it more manageable.

I am so sorry about what your husband did. It was horrible and you really didn't deserve that.

 

[Sael]

I'm sorry for what you're going through right now, it is hell having to go through something like this eve more so coming from someone you loved hurts so much. Time will heal those wounds and though it may seem hard to enjoy everything that was once enjoyable it will come back. Seeking help is important and should not be a bad thing to do.

PM if you feel like you need to talk
Best wishes to you and hope you feel better soon. :)

 

[Return2Dust]

I've always had anxiety and tried numerous meds over the years. I found exercise to be my drug, but in a healthy way. However, a year ago my husband admitted to cheating on my for a good part of our marriage, even with prostitutes. We have been together 15 years and have 2 kids together so I am trying to stay and work it through. Problem is, my mind is a fucking trainwreck, way worse than before. My brain literally will not turn off and even haunts me in my sleep. I've been back to therapy, emdr therapy, and doing all I can to nurse my wounds. But I feel I am just doomed and ctb is the only option left. I have contemplated and even left home once thru all of this but it doesnt take away the damage. It just gets rid of the source. I'm 36 have great kids, great friends and family, a great job, blah blah blah...but nothing in my being allows me to appreciate these things anymore like I used to. I have lost myself. I'm afraid to ctb for many reasons but dont want to live in this hell anymore.

Your world was shattered when you found out your husband betrayed your trust. He essentially turned your world upside down and made you question everything he said and did for the last 15 years. Please be gentle with yourself. The onus is not on your to recover right away and sweep it under the rug. Healing will take time, finding a new normal, not the old life you had. The old one wasn't working anyway. It sounds like you're reaching out for help and taking care of yourself. You haven't mentioned your husband's role in all of this. Is he willing to do all the work required to rebuild your trust? If he isn't changing, then you might find yourself stuck in a loop.

 

[BrokenMess]

Thanks all for the kinds words and replies. He is doing his part to my knowledge but it took him 5 months of torturing me with the "truth" only to reveal more truth later on, over and over again. So each time in started the process all over again. I know his actions are not a reflection of me, but I somehow cant escape the voices in my head that keep telling me theres obviously something wrong with me for this to have happened. It has reinforced all my insecurities prior to this happening and left me with PTSD. I feel I gain a few ounces of hope and happiness and then it always seems to be destroyed by a trigger or something. I'm trying to stay in the marriage and work through this but I cant help but wonder if I would get through this better if I left him or if the problems would just follow me on my new journey alone. The anxiety and depression i faced before all this was nothing in comparison to where I'm at now. Just feel so over it all!

 

[Moonicide]

I'm so sorry your husband did this to you, love... You didn't deserve this at all. I'm glad you're trying all you can do to overcome this battle, are in therapy, etc. Is he in therapy too? Couples therapy by any chance? His actions reflect on him more than anything. But one thing I want to say is please don't stay in this marriage just for the ends. My mom stayed for the kids and it was the worst thing she could have done for all of us. We're now adults and nursing so many wounds and trauma due to it. Your children deserve to be raised in a healthy environment where there isn't tension between their parents. I wish you well in your journey.