moondazed
ex nihilo nihil fit
- Oct 14, 2023
- 169
Just tried partial hanging and couldn't do it. Got hot headed pretty quick, the pressure was too intense. Neck still hurts after 30 minutes in bed.
I might just go for SN.
I went to my first wedding today. I'm 32 years old. Most people my age have been to several, and I hear peers and colleagues always talking about how they've been on strings of weddings of all their friends. This was my cousin's though . I'm happy for them though, truly. It was a beautiful ceremony. I spent the eve with family, my mom and dad couldn't make it, so just distant family. We used to be close in our childhood and all dealt with a lot.
I tried not to get depressed, this day isn't about me. I cried looking at a statue of Jesus. I felt so left out, my cousin has a fair share of autistic friends and I can't even interact with them, let alone normies. Maybe I'm possessed. Or just completely fucked. My cousin told me all these things about how they care about me and this and that, but they haven't reached out in years, so uh, now that we're fact to face I guess they care, and I drunkenly offered to pay for their air BnB. The conversation got derailed with other family joining the conversation, and much of it was gossip and banter, mostly negative shit talk about non present family.
Most of what I hear from my social experiences is gossip and shit talk. I hate it. I always spout out something about the benefit of the doubt, but everyone gets quiet and eventually avoids me. I was in a car with my uncle and cousins smoking weed when they talked some shit, and I defended the person, then everyone got out. I ruined the mood. Fair enough.
I don't want to be here. I think I'll do it in the next week.
Edit:
I love my dog though. She's only 4. Who's going to care for her if I'm gone? I rescued here when she was a year. I have to keep fighting this fucking neurotransmitter war… because I'd a bad person if I reneg on my commitments. Be it for work, my pets, my plants, my roommates and their rent. My family and their feelings…. I only live for duty, I think. It must be in my blood. I am forced to endure pain so that other beings have less. But I don't want this. I want someone else to end it for me. I don't want to be responsible for suffering.
I might just go for SN.
I went to my first wedding today. I'm 32 years old. Most people my age have been to several, and I hear peers and colleagues always talking about how they've been on strings of weddings of all their friends. This was my cousin's though . I'm happy for them though, truly. It was a beautiful ceremony. I spent the eve with family, my mom and dad couldn't make it, so just distant family. We used to be close in our childhood and all dealt with a lot.
I tried not to get depressed, this day isn't about me. I cried looking at a statue of Jesus. I felt so left out, my cousin has a fair share of autistic friends and I can't even interact with them, let alone normies. Maybe I'm possessed. Or just completely fucked. My cousin told me all these things about how they care about me and this and that, but they haven't reached out in years, so uh, now that we're fact to face I guess they care, and I drunkenly offered to pay for their air BnB. The conversation got derailed with other family joining the conversation, and much of it was gossip and banter, mostly negative shit talk about non present family.
Most of what I hear from my social experiences is gossip and shit talk. I hate it. I always spout out something about the benefit of the doubt, but everyone gets quiet and eventually avoids me. I was in a car with my uncle and cousins smoking weed when they talked some shit, and I defended the person, then everyone got out. I ruined the mood. Fair enough.
I don't want to be here. I think I'll do it in the next week.
Edit:
I love my dog though. She's only 4. Who's going to care for her if I'm gone? I rescued here when she was a year. I have to keep fighting this fucking neurotransmitter war… because I'd a bad person if I reneg on my commitments. Be it for work, my pets, my plants, my roommates and their rent. My family and their feelings…. I only live for duty, I think. It must be in my blood. I am forced to endure pain so that other beings have less. But I don't want this. I want someone else to end it for me. I don't want to be responsible for suffering.
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