KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,793
Sometimes I wonder if we've even evolved past our animalistic instincts as a species. Very few seem to give a damn about the weak, the wounded, and the vunerable in our society. It cuts especially deep when someone pretends to care, then takes the liberty to abuse you because they view you as nothing more than irrational and mentally ill- a lost cause.
I've always tried to hide the sheer scale of my problems around my boyfriend's mother once he started living with her again. She has health issues as well, so I thought she would be a supportive and understanding person who would have sympathy for my personal struggles, but it turns out she's no different than anyone else in my life who used nasty words and actions to hurt me.
It seems like no matter what, you can't win if you're unable to conceal pain and weakness. The dam broke for me when I found out that I have multiple tumors and ovarian cysts that will need to be surgically removed, as one of them is larger than a grapefruit and has a small chance of being cancerous. This is pure hell for me because of my PTSD which is triggered by medical environments. The past few weeks have just been torturous for me and made me want to die more than ever, because I don't want to have this surgery.
Not only was I constantly having blood tests for cancer markers and potential immune system dysfunction, which left me with bruises all up my arms because I have to be stabbed multiple times to get any blood- which just makes me shake all over and want to cry- but I have to negotiate with medical workers to try and get accomodations and understanding, and deal with being yelled at by my boyfriend who finds all of this stressful and irrational. The sentiment is, why aren't I normal? Why can't I do what everyone else can with ease?
Of course, we argued about it. Because I have PTSD and am very negative and afraid, I ruin his life. I understand this, but that only adds fuel to the fire for why I want to die. He started crying and yelling at me, which caused his mother to burst into the room without permission and involve herself. When I talk about hating life, it makes my boyfriend furious and angry, and I constantly get accused of being a quitter or ruining people's lives by wasting time, complaining, and being a negative presence.
He decided that he was going to tell her "the truth" which included saying how I am suicidal and irrational. Of course, she didn't take too kindly to that and started going on a rant, originally claiming that she cared and wanted to help me, and get me help, but it quickly became nasty and toxic.
She flies off the handle and has episodes where she gets very emotional and angry. Not even two days before that, she got in an argument with one of her other children and threw a cup at his head, smashing it against the wall. I was told to sit upstairs in the room alone and pretend I heard or saw nothing, while she was downstairs screeching like a banshee and calling her son a filthy liar and saying how she's going to go off and drive into a tree.
So you can imagine how well it went when I calmly explained to her what I've been through, and how the idea of being forcibly sectioned would be no good for me. But she was relentless. Despite me going into a panic, shaking so much I could hardly stand up, about to vomit, heart palpitations, she just wouldn't stop. She said how she would shove pills down my throat herself if she had to, and how I should be put in an institution against my will for several months to "straighten myself out" and that I should be forced to take drugs even if they hurt me.
To his credit, my boyfriend did come to my defense several times, and said how sectioning and force drugging me was a terrible idea. Yet no matter what, she thought she knew better and would insult me or him, saying how I know nothing and my problem is I think I know everything and don't trust professionals who know far better than me. During this whole thing, I didn't snap or get angry, I just cried quietly or got very sad, but it didn't stop her from screaming at me.
When I explained how I'd been on over a dozen medications throughout my life, so many therapists, and nothing made a dent in my ptsd (I've had it since I was a little child and have continually gone through more and more trauma throughout my life) she quickly changed her tune and said how I don't want to get better, and how I'm sitting on my ass making excuses.
She said how everyone else gets on with life and deals with it, does things they don't want to do, listing off all the chores she has to do everyday despite being disabled from CFS too, and how she doesn't "sit on her ass and mope" like me. She also said that she doesn't want my boyfriend to ever spend another pence on me, and said it was disgusting how he paid for me to have private healthcare. She said, stone cold serious, that I should have to sit there with those tumors in me for 9 months or more and suffer like her and everyone else.
She was downright nasty and scathing, and started making loaded accusations towards me about how I am going to get people in jail for being the way that I am. For instance, because my boyfriend has liasoned and advocated for me when it comes to dealing with medical staff, there was once a situation where I froze up and couldn't speak up and he had to tell a receptionist, "No, you will NOT do any tests or anything without her consent" which caused the GP surgery to report both of us to social services. They claimed that I was being abused and having medical care withheld, because he stood up for me and told them to stop when they pushed the limits of what I could handle.
My boyfriend's mother said it is all my responsibility and my fault that it happened, because I "won't take responsibility and act like an adult rather than acting so autistic and meek." She started shouting that she won't have her boy in jail or being interrogated by police because I am too incompetent and mentally ill to act like a normal person. She said I am ruining her son's job and his life by having ptsd episode's and needing help and accomodation, and this was going to stop right now, she forbids him from helping any more. She said that she got molested as a child too, but doesn't sit here and make excuses like me.
She threatened to call the police on me and have me sectioned (despite me not threatening anything, I never said a word about actively being suicidal or planning anything, but was forced to admit to wanting to die before when my boyfriend spilled it to her) and demanded that I go to a GP the very next day, reciting to them that I am mentally ill and threatening suicide, and I want to fix myself and improve myself because I am ruining people's lives and making them sick, while she stands there and watches to approve of what I say. She told me that it's my fault I'm in physical pain too because I don't do yoga.
Obviously, this did nothing but terrify me. No matter how many times I said that therapists didn't help or made me feel worse about my situation, or how psych drugs make me suicidal as a child and didnt help, inducing horrible side effects.. It was like speaking to a brick wall. A stubborn, fuming brick wall with glazed over eyes who kept repeating how it's all excuses with me and how anyone can see that I'm mentally unstable and not right.
Eventually she left the room, and my boyfriend started defending her and saying how she's correct. We kept going back and forth, neither person felt like the other was listening at all. Eventually I said, "You wouldn't treat me this way if it was a physical health problem. If a treatment didn't work for someone with diabetes, or cancer, you would not say that they didn't try hard enough and that it's a flaw in their character. Why is it different if it's Ptsd? Why am I not believed"
Of course, his mother was standing outside the door eavesdropping, and she went ballistic because she didn't hear everything. She just kept shouting that," MY MOTHER IS DYING OF CANCER YOU BITCH" (of course it doesn't matter that I might have cancers ) and then stormed downstairs to tell her other children how I'm a manipulative cunt who wants to toy with people and play games so that I don't rot alone.
My boyfriend still took her side, but tried to calm her down and they went ballistic at each other, I think threatening to physically fight each other. She threatened to call the cops and have us evicted once their shouting match died down. It was 1 am and every public transit service was on strike, so there was nowhere to go, but my boyfriends siblings said coldly that she wanted me out.
They managed to talk her down from kicking me out then and there, but I wasn't allowed to take a shower, or even go downstairs and get a drink of water, and I had to leave first thing in the morning. My boyfriend was only mad at his mother because of how she treated him, not how she treated me. It was as if it was acceptable to abuse me, because I'm "mentally ill". I have to toe the line, or he will abandon me and leave me with nothing because I have no friends and family.
Obviously this whole experience just broke me further and destroyed what little trust I had left in people. I've known for years that I have to bury my feelings deep inside and conceal my pain to survive, I tried so hard to act normal around her and hide the extent of my autism and trauma. I never fit in though. She knew that I've never had a mother and I was desperate for that loving familial connection, being fake nice and polite until it was time to get the claws out and say what she really thought.
The cruelty of people is insurmountable. They will justify verbally abusing you, using force, blackmail, lies, whatever is necessary to make themselves look like you deserve to be mistreated and seen as lesser. The mental illness label seems to give people free reign to treat you as a leper. Yet, they won't give you the courtesy of bodily autonomy. If I'm so terrible, let me die then. Their approach isn't compassionate, it's punitive and meant to make me feel guilty for something outside my control.
I think after my surgery I might finally have the balls to catch the bus, because I truly have nothing and I can't take anymore abuse and torment from this world. I thought when I escaped my family this would be over, but it's been one traumatising situation after another.
I've always tried to hide the sheer scale of my problems around my boyfriend's mother once he started living with her again. She has health issues as well, so I thought she would be a supportive and understanding person who would have sympathy for my personal struggles, but it turns out she's no different than anyone else in my life who used nasty words and actions to hurt me.
It seems like no matter what, you can't win if you're unable to conceal pain and weakness. The dam broke for me when I found out that I have multiple tumors and ovarian cysts that will need to be surgically removed, as one of them is larger than a grapefruit and has a small chance of being cancerous. This is pure hell for me because of my PTSD which is triggered by medical environments. The past few weeks have just been torturous for me and made me want to die more than ever, because I don't want to have this surgery.
Not only was I constantly having blood tests for cancer markers and potential immune system dysfunction, which left me with bruises all up my arms because I have to be stabbed multiple times to get any blood- which just makes me shake all over and want to cry- but I have to negotiate with medical workers to try and get accomodations and understanding, and deal with being yelled at by my boyfriend who finds all of this stressful and irrational. The sentiment is, why aren't I normal? Why can't I do what everyone else can with ease?
Of course, we argued about it. Because I have PTSD and am very negative and afraid, I ruin his life. I understand this, but that only adds fuel to the fire for why I want to die. He started crying and yelling at me, which caused his mother to burst into the room without permission and involve herself. When I talk about hating life, it makes my boyfriend furious and angry, and I constantly get accused of being a quitter or ruining people's lives by wasting time, complaining, and being a negative presence.
He decided that he was going to tell her "the truth" which included saying how I am suicidal and irrational. Of course, she didn't take too kindly to that and started going on a rant, originally claiming that she cared and wanted to help me, and get me help, but it quickly became nasty and toxic.
She flies off the handle and has episodes where she gets very emotional and angry. Not even two days before that, she got in an argument with one of her other children and threw a cup at his head, smashing it against the wall. I was told to sit upstairs in the room alone and pretend I heard or saw nothing, while she was downstairs screeching like a banshee and calling her son a filthy liar and saying how she's going to go off and drive into a tree.
So you can imagine how well it went when I calmly explained to her what I've been through, and how the idea of being forcibly sectioned would be no good for me. But she was relentless. Despite me going into a panic, shaking so much I could hardly stand up, about to vomit, heart palpitations, she just wouldn't stop. She said how she would shove pills down my throat herself if she had to, and how I should be put in an institution against my will for several months to "straighten myself out" and that I should be forced to take drugs even if they hurt me.
To his credit, my boyfriend did come to my defense several times, and said how sectioning and force drugging me was a terrible idea. Yet no matter what, she thought she knew better and would insult me or him, saying how I know nothing and my problem is I think I know everything and don't trust professionals who know far better than me. During this whole thing, I didn't snap or get angry, I just cried quietly or got very sad, but it didn't stop her from screaming at me.
When I explained how I'd been on over a dozen medications throughout my life, so many therapists, and nothing made a dent in my ptsd (I've had it since I was a little child and have continually gone through more and more trauma throughout my life) she quickly changed her tune and said how I don't want to get better, and how I'm sitting on my ass making excuses.
She said how everyone else gets on with life and deals with it, does things they don't want to do, listing off all the chores she has to do everyday despite being disabled from CFS too, and how she doesn't "sit on her ass and mope" like me. She also said that she doesn't want my boyfriend to ever spend another pence on me, and said it was disgusting how he paid for me to have private healthcare. She said, stone cold serious, that I should have to sit there with those tumors in me for 9 months or more and suffer like her and everyone else.
She was downright nasty and scathing, and started making loaded accusations towards me about how I am going to get people in jail for being the way that I am. For instance, because my boyfriend has liasoned and advocated for me when it comes to dealing with medical staff, there was once a situation where I froze up and couldn't speak up and he had to tell a receptionist, "No, you will NOT do any tests or anything without her consent" which caused the GP surgery to report both of us to social services. They claimed that I was being abused and having medical care withheld, because he stood up for me and told them to stop when they pushed the limits of what I could handle.
My boyfriend's mother said it is all my responsibility and my fault that it happened, because I "won't take responsibility and act like an adult rather than acting so autistic and meek." She started shouting that she won't have her boy in jail or being interrogated by police because I am too incompetent and mentally ill to act like a normal person. She said I am ruining her son's job and his life by having ptsd episode's and needing help and accomodation, and this was going to stop right now, she forbids him from helping any more. She said that she got molested as a child too, but doesn't sit here and make excuses like me.
She threatened to call the police on me and have me sectioned (despite me not threatening anything, I never said a word about actively being suicidal or planning anything, but was forced to admit to wanting to die before when my boyfriend spilled it to her) and demanded that I go to a GP the very next day, reciting to them that I am mentally ill and threatening suicide, and I want to fix myself and improve myself because I am ruining people's lives and making them sick, while she stands there and watches to approve of what I say. She told me that it's my fault I'm in physical pain too because I don't do yoga.
Obviously, this did nothing but terrify me. No matter how many times I said that therapists didn't help or made me feel worse about my situation, or how psych drugs make me suicidal as a child and didnt help, inducing horrible side effects.. It was like speaking to a brick wall. A stubborn, fuming brick wall with glazed over eyes who kept repeating how it's all excuses with me and how anyone can see that I'm mentally unstable and not right.
Eventually she left the room, and my boyfriend started defending her and saying how she's correct. We kept going back and forth, neither person felt like the other was listening at all. Eventually I said, "You wouldn't treat me this way if it was a physical health problem. If a treatment didn't work for someone with diabetes, or cancer, you would not say that they didn't try hard enough and that it's a flaw in their character. Why is it different if it's Ptsd? Why am I not believed"
Of course, his mother was standing outside the door eavesdropping, and she went ballistic because she didn't hear everything. She just kept shouting that," MY MOTHER IS DYING OF CANCER YOU BITCH" (of course it doesn't matter that I might have cancers ) and then stormed downstairs to tell her other children how I'm a manipulative cunt who wants to toy with people and play games so that I don't rot alone.
My boyfriend still took her side, but tried to calm her down and they went ballistic at each other, I think threatening to physically fight each other. She threatened to call the cops and have us evicted once their shouting match died down. It was 1 am and every public transit service was on strike, so there was nowhere to go, but my boyfriends siblings said coldly that she wanted me out.
They managed to talk her down from kicking me out then and there, but I wasn't allowed to take a shower, or even go downstairs and get a drink of water, and I had to leave first thing in the morning. My boyfriend was only mad at his mother because of how she treated him, not how she treated me. It was as if it was acceptable to abuse me, because I'm "mentally ill". I have to toe the line, or he will abandon me and leave me with nothing because I have no friends and family.
Obviously this whole experience just broke me further and destroyed what little trust I had left in people. I've known for years that I have to bury my feelings deep inside and conceal my pain to survive, I tried so hard to act normal around her and hide the extent of my autism and trauma. I never fit in though. She knew that I've never had a mother and I was desperate for that loving familial connection, being fake nice and polite until it was time to get the claws out and say what she really thought.
The cruelty of people is insurmountable. They will justify verbally abusing you, using force, blackmail, lies, whatever is necessary to make themselves look like you deserve to be mistreated and seen as lesser. The mental illness label seems to give people free reign to treat you as a leper. Yet, they won't give you the courtesy of bodily autonomy. If I'm so terrible, let me die then. Their approach isn't compassionate, it's punitive and meant to make me feel guilty for something outside my control.
I think after my surgery I might finally have the balls to catch the bus, because I truly have nothing and I can't take anymore abuse and torment from this world. I thought when I escaped my family this would be over, but it's been one traumatising situation after another.
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