Venting My boyfriend broke up with me and I'm conflicted

[mapleboy]

My ex (as of 2 hours ago) boyfriend broke up with me after explaining that our relationship is causing more strain on the both of us, and that the negative things outweigh the positive things. We've been together for over a year and a half, and it was just the most amazing experience ever. I've never been with anyone who I felt that they truly cared about me and loved me in the most genuine way. He discussed that our relationship was too codependent. If one of us wasn't feeling the best, it would affect the other's entire day. He also mentioned how we're both struggling with things in which should be a priority over being in a relationship. And yes, the truth is, we were relying on each other way too much. In a sense, we cared for each other way too much.

I'm still crying even as I type this, I love him so fucking much and I want to be with him for as long as I can. I didn't want to influence his decision to end things, so I didn't communicate my feelings toward the whole thing. I guess he was right about us being too dependent on each other because now I feel like I truly have nothing else to live for. I was going to therapy to get help with my traumas and issues. I decided to not continue with it and just wing things. I'm currently at my lowest point, but the only person who was there for me is gone. I don't have anything to live for anymore. He said that if we're both better in the future, we can look into becoming partners again. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I don't want to go back to therapy, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get better. I gave up a few days ago, but I spoke with my therapist and mother this morning and decided to just put everything on pause until we move out of state. I was going to continue trying to have a new outlook on life once we were in a better environment.

I didn't have the chance to tell my boyfriend any of that. Again, I'm terrible at communicating and I didn't want my words to influence his thoughts or actions. I don't know what I should do. I want to start cutting again and continue figuring out my plan to CTB, but I just don't know. I want him back so badly. He was my world, my universe. But now that's completely gone. I feel so helpless and the heartbreak is unbearable. I want to end this suffering. I hate it.

Also apologies for my scrambled thoughts, I feel like shit and I can barely see my keyboard from all the tears.

TLDR; Boyfriend broke up with me, don't know if I should CTB or wait everything out.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

It sounds like he's saying you both need to work on yourselves and when you're both healthier you two can get back together and have a healthy relationship? That sounds like a pretty good goal to aim for. It would be hard work but if he's that amazing, isn't it worth it?

 

[mapleboy]

It sounds like he's saying you both need to work on yourselves and when you're both healthier you two can get back together and have a healthy relationship? That sounds like a pretty good goal to aim for. It would be hard work but if he's that amazing, isn't it worth it?

I feel like the pain I'm feeling is completely outweighing that little bit of hope he's given me. Who knows how long it'll take for both of us to heal from the things we've gone through...

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

That is a really tough situation. I'm so sorry for your pain. I think now is not the time for big decisions, now is just about trying to get through the hours until the pain is a little less fresh.

 

[inmyhead]

I don't have anything to say except I know exactly how you feel. My relationship ended a couple of weeks ago and I was heartbroken about it. I still am. It's been a huge trigger for my CTB too. Don't do anything rash. Things do get better in time.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really painful what you are going through, existence certainly is so cruel, as it's very true that anything that is seen as being positive by someone only exists to be taken away and lead to more suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.