Venting My boss knows I’m suicidal now

[letsgetburgers]

My moods tend to spiral out of control pretty often. But once I go to work, and walk through those doors I basically leave the "real" me behind.

I want to say firstly that my coworkers and I are very close. We are all like family so sometimes we come to one another for advice and the such.

Well... a lot is going on right now in my life and it's basically all my fault everything is out of my control now and I let my mood slip at work and became what my coworkers described me as "socially, mentally, and emotionally a zombie". My boss came up to me and she began asking me what is wrong and yadda yadda. I grew impatient with her and annoyed and yelled at her that I wish I were gone. And when she pressed further on what I meant Icouldn't control my big dumb mouth and said "I just want to be fucking dead." To which she asked why and I told her that she was not my therapist and I didn't want to discuss it further with the likes of her, which I could tell really hurt her. Lucky for me, it was time for me to clock out so I went home. I learned today that now everyone is concerned with me. I am concerned with myself as well!! For many reason! More so slipping up that big at work!! I feel like a fool. I am always the clown at work! And for me to let that image of myself crack is horrifying.

We had some rope from work a while back that we were going to throw away because it was apart of a marketing thing. And instead of throwing it away I kept it. And tonight I was practicing on hanging myself. I figured the best place would be my closet because it would be a while before anyone found me that wasn't a cat. I tried to really do it but I couldn't bring myself to. I'm so scared to face my boss again. I don't want to CTB because of what happened, it's been a long time and years of thought. But when I finally attempted all I could think was what if someone thought it was because I was embarrassed from what I said at work? I think I'll wait to build my image back up before I attempt again. Or maybe I'll admit myself. I don't know what I'll do I just want to die but I'm also scared people will see it coming and try to force their way to stop me?

this is my very first post, I hope I'm using the acronym CTB correctly!

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hey I just read your post. Listen to me. This might be a good thing actually. These are people who care about you, they are like family, as you said. I know that you may not see it as an opportunity to get support and help. Most people wouldn't react the way your boss did. She sounds like a compassionate and understanding person.

I know it's about your image, I get that. I'm a clown too. I'm always the one cracking the jokes. Anyways, those are my thoughts.

 

[letsgetburgers]

Hey I just read your post. Listen to me. This might be a good thing actually. These are people who care about you, they are like family, as you said. I know that you may not see it as an opportunity to get support and help. Most people wouldn't react the way your boss did. She sounds like a compassionate and understanding person.

I know it's about your image, I get that. I'm a clown too. I'm always the one cracking the jokes. Anyways, those are my thoughts.

Thanks you. I understand that as well. Thinking solely about my image can be very selfish. I want to admit myself because I want to get help but at the same time, it's so difficult and scary. Sometimes I don't even know why it's scary...

 

[pole]

honestly. i don't think you should be afraid of seeing you're boss again. i think she genuinly cares and is concerned; in a way where she wants to understand you, not flat out neglect you and push you away and force you to admit yourself to solitary or something.

i was in the same exact situation as you were a year ago, exactly the same. not about my suicidal ideation, but i told one of my managers who asked about why i looked sad about my depression. she cared and understood because she was going through stuff as well.

i told my other manager recently as well, even about my ctb attempt and me potentially wanting to do another attempt in the future. she took her time out to want to understand me, talk with me and she genuinly cared and understood. and it felt amazing to be heard.

my point is, some people really do care and don't ask just to ask. it's rare, but it does happen cause these very same people asking know how it feels. slipping up at work honestly. all my co-workers thought i was that one sad kid, quiet and sad. even my own bestfriend that i worked with, who was always there for me, invalidated me behind my back and talked shit about me calling me an attention seeker for feeling sad all the time.

but out of the bunch of my co-workers, those who asked, genuinly cared and saw signs because they were in the same position that you and i are in. i'd honestly talk to you're boss, apologize (if you want obviously for just lashing out on her which was out of ur control, but thats completely up to you), tell her how you feel if you'd like, but honestly, just have a genuine heart to heart with you're manager. i just feel like people don't go out of there way and ask, and when they do, they potentially care.

hope everything works out. take care.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Thanks you. I understand that as well. Thinking solely about my image can be very selfish. I want to admit myself because I want to get help but at the same time, it's so difficult and scary. Sometimes I don't even know why it's scary...

You don't want to be judged and treated differently. You have a job, take time off, address the issues you've been avoiding all these years. The response you got from your boss is awesome. This is a breakthrough for you.

You don't want to be judged and treated differently. You have a job, take time off, address the issues you've been avoiding all these years. The response you got from your boss is awesome. This is a breakthrough for you.

And remember, not all clowns are funny. It's ok to be the sad clown once in a while. We can't always be happy.