Seeing that there's many supportive people in the recovery section is great. (Also- thank you PaperPlanes, for inadvertently inspiring me to push through my stupid nervousness of joining the forum.)
If you don't wanna read this wall of runes I've brought into being here I completely understand.
Yes, I've been thinking about why exactly I feel so bad and 1) my birthday means soon I won't be young anymore
2) when I was younger I told myself "it will get better in the future, I just need to push through this difficult time" and now the future has arrived and it's not better it's worse, so now I don't have this hope in front of me making me going
3) as a teen I wanted to celebrate it with friends and I never had that
Now idrc about celebrating it with friends but this birthday makes me think about all the birthdays I had as a teen that I spent alone and not with friends
You can say that I can still celebrate it with friends but no, firstly I don't have friends and secondly now it's not the same, celebrating your birthday as an adult isn't the same as doing it as a teen, birthdays get less exciting for everyone now
4) feel behind in life and like a failure
First off, I'm
very happy that you seem to be doing much better as of now, and from what I've read. What I say next may be a bit or completely redundant by now but I'd like to talk about what has bothered you here, because I think they are subtly connected to each other. God I feel like I state the obvious a lot. I'm also a bit nervous typing all this, as I'm nervous in general but this is my first post and I'm not sure how much I'm encroaching on rules here or not since I tend to overthink. I'm terribly sorry if I am. I'm reading them over again and again. I'd also feel guilty for not posting something here as I wanted to respond the moment I saw the title on Monday.
1) Ah, that realization is easily really rough to go through. If it helps, I'd say someone in their 50s is still
rather young, or at least hasn't been granted full rights of the word "old" yet. Somethin about them still possibly having a good 2-4 decades ahead of them for me.
2) This one cuts near the bone for me. My best friend has been suicidal for a
long time, and for them, it always seemed to get worse. So instead of ever saying that it will get better, (I don't mean this in a condescending way, 'it will get better' can be a very comforting thing for people to say to themselves and others, though it can easily end in more misery) and since they said it always got worse, I started saying that if it can always get worse, then it can always get better. Key word being
can. Then it's more of a matter of what you mean by 'it'. Hope isn't a lost cause in my eyes, it can just be so
fucking difficult finding a stable source of hope and will. Especially when you're locked into a situation where certain things get worse. It takes a lot to keep going in those straits.
3) I think I get what you're saying. The missed opportunities to have those experiences, to have the magic in the time it would've been the most important to you... Perhaps this even correlates to that discomfort of no longer feeling like you're young, so maybe you feel even less chances to experience exciting, adventurous things, as even from your perspective, things have just gotten worse over time. Yet, maybe even in the worst of situations, that kind of exciting experience can happen.
4) That's quite the feeling to have, especially in a state of struggle. I'm not sure how you've come to feel that way, whether it be because of comparisons you've maybe made between yourself and others, or who you wish to be. (or both) In any case, another topic I feel ya in. I guess it's who I was yesterday I need throw hands with to feel back on track again.
Thank you so much Walter I always enjoy reading your replies, but I'm not a kind and loving person, I hate a lot of people and I can hurt people
I'll start from your position, that you do hate a lot of people and can hurt people. But I don't think that would disqualify you from the capacity for their traits, much less to have them grow.
Have a nice day, hopefully I helped or added something interesting. Sorry I was late here.
Oh yeah, hope you enjoy that game as well!
