Hello there everyone,
i am here on this forum for the same reason as most of you, i cant take the pain and loneliness anymore
i have not yet choosen the method of CTB but regardless i feel a need to tell my story before i eventually do it so then maybe at least somebody will remembre me.
So i would really appreciate it if somebody actually read this long story.
Lets start from the beggining.
In the kindergarden i actually had two friens that i played with a lot. we were imagening scenarios and it was fun. also had a favourite dinosaour toy that i played with all the time.
One day they decided it would be "funny" if they broke the dinoaour. to this day i dont know why they did it or if they were ever real friends to begin with or where just pretending.
After that all i know is that i cried a lot and didnt make a single social interaction with anyone else for the whole kindergarden.
My family was quite poor and we didnt have much. The parent were constantly screaming at one another and it was hard to find peace. At home i didnt have a single toy and just used my imagination for everything.
As most kids i imagened flying thought skyes and fighting aliens. At the end i knew that was all just in my head and that made me really sad. My only hope was my grandmother. My only ray of sun shine. She was very kind i was very excited whenever we were going to visit her. She played with me and we went on walks and did a bunch of fun stuff.
She also baked the best cookie i have ever tasted. Sadly she died when from Leukemia when i was 8. School wasnt much different than kindergarden. i was forced to sit in the first row and was always know as the quit kid at the front.
My parents got divorced just as i finished 4th grade. It got found out that my mom was cheating on my dad for a while. Things where very messy but at the end she moved out and i stayed with my dad. Didnt see her much after that.
My dad had a job at a local mechanic shop. As i said we were quite poor but he managed to get me an old laptop that could barely run chrome but i was still greatfull. After that i started spending all my time online. I learned how to optimise the laptop and i was now able to play minecraft or roblox. As i spent more and more time online my dad took notice and he didnt really like that so one day we had a big fight. He said that i need to do "more manly stuff" than just stare at the dam schreen the whole time. After that and to this day i dont talk a lot with him
Roblox and minecraft migh seem nice but since i had no friends i didnt really find purpose in either of those games since i didnt really find playing them by myself all that fun. That constantly reminded me of how lonley i felt. it was crippeling, not having anybody to talk to, to share the pain. Every time i saw friend goofing around in scholl or when a couple walked by i just felt like somebody stabbed me with a dagger.
I finished school with relatively bad grades but somehow managed to get into high school. There i realised that i needed to do something. I dont want to stay like this and i want to change.
i was so done of feeling stabbed. And so i studyed really hard, tryed talking to people, helped others with homework and so on... But nothing worked out. I was sick of studying, i was still beeing called "the quiet guy". All i needed was just a warm hug, 1 warm hug would have fixed everything. But there was nobody to provide me with that hug. People went to parties, others birthdays, people found love. I got none of that. At that point i just accepted that this is just they way things are ment to be.
Even now i am sitting in a corner typing this on my old ass laptop. I wish i could move but this depression and anxiety feel like chains that i am tied to. I feel like i have tried but i dont see anything but despair in front of me. Like im falling in endless void. There is no blue in my sky. With that conclusion i have decided that its time for CTB. I dont feel like anyone will be that sad about my dead so there is really no reason to stay alive.
There are my botteld up feelings for the past 5 years. I am shaking a lot as i am typing this out and some sentances probably dont make that much sense but thats my story more the less.
Now time to end it...
i am here on this forum for the same reason as most of you, i cant take the pain and loneliness anymore
i have not yet choosen the method of CTB but regardless i feel a need to tell my story before i eventually do it so then maybe at least somebody will remembre me.
So i would really appreciate it if somebody actually read this long story.
Lets start from the beggining.
In the kindergarden i actually had two friens that i played with a lot. we were imagening scenarios and it was fun. also had a favourite dinosaour toy that i played with all the time.
One day they decided it would be "funny" if they broke the dinoaour. to this day i dont know why they did it or if they were ever real friends to begin with or where just pretending.
After that all i know is that i cried a lot and didnt make a single social interaction with anyone else for the whole kindergarden.
My family was quite poor and we didnt have much. The parent were constantly screaming at one another and it was hard to find peace. At home i didnt have a single toy and just used my imagination for everything.
As most kids i imagened flying thought skyes and fighting aliens. At the end i knew that was all just in my head and that made me really sad. My only hope was my grandmother. My only ray of sun shine. She was very kind i was very excited whenever we were going to visit her. She played with me and we went on walks and did a bunch of fun stuff.
She also baked the best cookie i have ever tasted. Sadly she died when from Leukemia when i was 8. School wasnt much different than kindergarden. i was forced to sit in the first row and was always know as the quit kid at the front.
My parents got divorced just as i finished 4th grade. It got found out that my mom was cheating on my dad for a while. Things where very messy but at the end she moved out and i stayed with my dad. Didnt see her much after that.
My dad had a job at a local mechanic shop. As i said we were quite poor but he managed to get me an old laptop that could barely run chrome but i was still greatfull. After that i started spending all my time online. I learned how to optimise the laptop and i was now able to play minecraft or roblox. As i spent more and more time online my dad took notice and he didnt really like that so one day we had a big fight. He said that i need to do "more manly stuff" than just stare at the dam schreen the whole time. After that and to this day i dont talk a lot with him
Roblox and minecraft migh seem nice but since i had no friends i didnt really find purpose in either of those games since i didnt really find playing them by myself all that fun. That constantly reminded me of how lonley i felt. it was crippeling, not having anybody to talk to, to share the pain. Every time i saw friend goofing around in scholl or when a couple walked by i just felt like somebody stabbed me with a dagger.
I finished school with relatively bad grades but somehow managed to get into high school. There i realised that i needed to do something. I dont want to stay like this and i want to change.
i was so done of feeling stabbed. And so i studyed really hard, tryed talking to people, helped others with homework and so on... But nothing worked out. I was sick of studying, i was still beeing called "the quiet guy". All i needed was just a warm hug, 1 warm hug would have fixed everything. But there was nobody to provide me with that hug. People went to parties, others birthdays, people found love. I got none of that. At that point i just accepted that this is just they way things are ment to be.
Even now i am sitting in a corner typing this on my old ass laptop. I wish i could move but this depression and anxiety feel like chains that i am tied to. I feel like i have tried but i dont see anything but despair in front of me. Like im falling in endless void. There is no blue in my sky. With that conclusion i have decided that its time for CTB. I dont feel like anyone will be that sad about my dead so there is really no reason to stay alive.
There are my botteld up feelings for the past 5 years. I am shaking a lot as i am typing this out and some sentances probably dont make that much sense but thats my story more the less.
Now time to end it...
