Venting my best friend’s issues are pissing me off

[sincerelysad]

vent ; tw domestic abuse ig

my best friend has always been in really abusive relationships, and this is not why i am irritated, that's just a bit of background of why i have less patience than normal. im in an abusive relationship myself so i can't really judge but she has every resource and opportunity in the world to leave and she's stupidly choosing not to and i don't have any of those options. there's a difference i think.
her current boyfriend is a felon and he busted out her car window when she tried to leave him for the third time in five months, and then when we went and confronted him he literally battered both of us and broke my glasses and ripped my shirt and threw me to the asphalt. i ended up pressing charges, as did my friend, and she stayed at my house for three days and convinced me we could get an apartment together and "get out of our shitty situations together", etc. less than two weeks later she was literally back with him, dropped her charges, and was asking me to drop my charges!!!!
i refused to drop them and she understood and he ended up being arrested on a warrant, but they literally released him and it doesn't look like they're going to do anything.
they're back together, im shoved to the side, and all she fucking talks about is him. (she's also very obviously being used as a free babysitter for his kid and she refuses to admit it and it blows my mind.)
it never "bothered" me this much when she was in abusive relationships before and would go back and forth becuase i was never explicitly at risk but this time it's fucking personal that she went back to him. she lives at home and has a family who loves her, she has the support and ability to leave him and she fucking doesn't. they haven't even been together for that long!! i don't have a single family member or friend capable or willing to help me get away from the abuse, and i've been in my situation for three years. it infuriates me when she complains about her family wanting her to participate in holidays, wanting her to help around the house, etc. i would kill to be welcomed back home and do chores around the house/spend time with my family.
i can't stand when she complains about her boyfriend doing the same toxic, annoying bullshit that he's never (and never will) stopped doing and then refuses to leave. it's so fucking insulting and trivial when my only true option to get out of this is suicide and she has the solutions right fucking in front of her!!!!
i want to fucking scream at her i hate that she fucking betrayed me like that, i hate that she does this to herself and dumps it on me like any of it fucking matters. get a fucking grip! i am losing my fucking mind

 

[Rainy_days]

I would be pissed too. I'm guessing her friendship must still be valuable to you or else you'd tell her to fuck off. Don't know what to advise, sorry you're in the double shitty situation of abuse and friend acting like an idiot.

 

[sincerelysad]

I would be pissed too. I'm guessing her friendship must still be valuable to you or else you'd tell her to fuck off. Don't know what to advise, sorry you're in the double shitty situation of abuse and friend acting like an idiot.

thank you for validating me. i felt like a massively shitty person typing it all out.
she's the only real friend i have and i just rebuilt our friendship after having had her cut off for a year. i don't want to abandon her again.
it won't matter once i ctb so it's whatever. i may as well save her the double heartbreak and stick around til im gone

 

[Rainy_days]

thank you for validating me. i felt like a massively shitty person typing it all out.
she's the only real friend i have and i just rebuilt our friendship after having had her cut off for a year. i don't want to abandon her again.
it won't matter once i ctb so it's whatever. i may as well save her the double heartbreak and stick around til im gone

You have more patience than I do lol. I really don't think you're shitty for being mad... hopefully she will come to her senses.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Emotions frequently make no sense and it's often the case that something emotionally or sexually arousing is going to draw a person back in time after time, even if it's super unhealthy. The highs and lows can be intoxicating for the person involved, especially if they have a need for drama and excitement.

At the end of the day, you can suggest a safe and sensible solution that makes sense, but it will still be thrown out if she's simply not over this guy and addicted to the volatility of the situation. It could also be that she feels she deserves mistreatment, somehow.

Unfortunately she will need to recognize these things of her own volition, but that may never even happen. All you can do is be there for her, but I wouldn't stick my neck out in the way you did anymore. You really took one for the team there and she comes off a bit unappreciative tbh.

Good luck to you.

 

[Venus13]

She's consistently in abusive relationships? You mentioned it hasn't bothered you as much when she was in abusive relationships in the past. Sounds like she is seriously lacking self worth and will do anything to fill that void in her. She's talking about him constantly, her mind is using this guy like a drug to survive whatever deprived state it's in.

She's in a toxic cycle. You have every right to pull away for your own safety and recovery. You're thinking straight and rightfully disturbed by this situation. She put you in harm's way and disregarded your place in her life from the position of her own lost state. Reason probably won't work on her in this emotionally fragile state, she needs to get her feet back on the ground. She might come around later when the high wears off.

 

[sincerelysad]

Emotions frequently make no sense and it's often the case that something emotionally or sexually arousing is going to draw a person back in time after time, even if it's super unhealthy. The highs and lows can be intoxicating for the person involved, especially if they have a need for drama and excitement.

At the end of the day, you can suggest a safe and sensible solution that makes sense, but it will still be thrown out if she's simply not over this guy and addicted to the volatility of the situation. It could also be that she feels she deserves mistreatment, somehow.

Unfortunately she will need to recognize these things of her own volition, but that may never even happen. All you can do is be there for her, but I wouldn't stick my neck out in the way you did anymore. You really took one for the team there and she comes off a bit unappreciative tbh.

Good luck to you.

thank you. this means a lot and is really validating. i've been considering keeping her at an arm's distance from now on because i can't handle it anymore

She's consistently in abusive relationships? You mentioned it hasn't bothered you as much when she was in abusive relationships in the past. Sounds like she is seriously lacking self worth and will do anything to fill that void in her. She's talking about him constantly, her mind is using this guy like a drug to survive whatever deprived state it's in.

She's in a toxic cycle. You have every right to pull away for your own safety and recovery. You're thinking straight and rightfully disturbed by this situation. She put you in harm's way and disregarded your place in her life from the position of her own lost state. Reason probably won't work on her in this emotionally fragile state, she needs to get her feet back on the ground. She might come around later when the high wears off.

thank you so much for these reminders. you're spot on.