My best friend's bf

[pumpkins334234]

Me and my friend have been best friends since literally middle school. This isn't a normal friendship either. We would spend 24/7 with each other, share everything with each other. We could talk for hours and hours. I would consider them to be more of a genuine family member than just a friend.

I can say without a doubt that I love them a lot.
However, we both ended up in different places after high school, and things have been really tough since then. I don't want to get too much into detail, but they started dating this guy who I don't have a very high opinion of. I think he's a predatory weirdo who complains about a life I would kill to have.
But I digress. It's important to note that I also have a boyfriend that I dated before they met their bf, but even though I had a boyfriend, I always prioritized them because outside of family they are the most important person in the world to me. I still made sure that I hung out with them and that we spent lots of time together. I wanted them not to feel abandoned just because I have a boyfriend.

Since they started dating their boyfriend, though, our communication has literally dropped so much. We used to talk everyday and now we just send each other reels. When we call, we have nothing to talk about, or when I do try to talk, I'm met with blank stares because they were talking to their bf instead. I have to deal with listening to them talk to each other and basically ignoring me while I'm on call with them. It's like I'm the butt of an inside joke between the two of them. I cannot explain the frustration and sadness I feel when I'm trying to talk to them on call and they start talking to their boyfriend in the middle of a sentence.

I didn't have a lot of friends before them, as I am autistic and I was heavily bullied. Having them ignore me like this just reminds me of when I would get bullied in middle school and people would just talk over me and ignore what I was saying. I feel so unimportant and uncared for again, and generally worthless. I've brought this issue up to them before but they just say we're both equally important and we go right back to it.

I honestly don't know if it's even worth being friends with them anymore. When we call we barely talk. I feel like they see me as a burden and an annoyance. It used to be easy to talk to them, like the easiest thing in the world. Now it's just awkward. Everything I say is met with an "ok" or a blank stare. I'm genuinely considering just cutting them off. What sucks is that I literally know that they are not going to last. So they're throwing away my friendship for a mid ass white guy who calls himself a Marxist but lives in Hawaii that they will literally never speak to again after their inevitable breakup. Every time I hear his stupid voice in the back of the call I feel like cutting my own ears off. What sucks is I don't really even have a leg to stand on with this. I can't even put my finger on why it bothers me so much. It's normal for friends to have boyfriends and talk to them. I guess it's normal for friends to grow apart and not have things to talk about anymore, and maybe I don't have to make such a big deal about it.

Sorry for the long ass post, I just really needed to vent about this. I'd say what makes me the most suicidal these days is knowing that people don't care about me the same way I care about them. Not my boyfriend, or my best friend of 8+ years. The only person who truly had my back, my brother, killed himself. I don't know what's wrong with me that people are okay treating me badly. I think maybe I'm just being overdramatic because if I have an issue with so many people I must be the problem.
I don't know why I'm so upset about it to be honest. It's pretty pathetic and funny that after everything I've been through, one person not talking to me enough is what finally makes me want to do it. Like girl worse things have happened to you! Calm down!

 

[-nobodyknows-]

The straw that breaks the camel's back is surprisingly accurate when it comes to those sorts of feelings, no?

 

[derpyderpins]

It's a tough situation. I am curious how old you are. You don't have to say, but I'm assuming you are younger.

There are all sorts of routes friendships can take. Personally, my closest friends are all people I met in my mid 20s (I'm 31). I'm still in touch with some high school friends, but they aren't my go-tos for support anymore. Interestingly, I'm not in touch with anyone I was friends with between 18~23. I never "cut off" any of these people, we just moved on to different things over time. Every now and then one of them will send me something on linkedin or my phone will show me an old picture of them and I'll feel nostalgic, but not resentful or regretful.

The truth is, I have changed a lot as a person. It's not their fault. My values and personality have just shifted. The old me isn't completely gone, but what was a great friendship match before is now only above-average. It's okay. A bit sad, but a part of life.

I think it's okay if you reduce contact, but I see no reason to burn the bridge. It seems like they are ready to move on from the friendship as well, or at least not putting their fair share in emotionally.

 

[pumpkins334234]

The straw that breaks the camel's back is surprisingly accurate when it comes to those sorts of feelings, no?

yeah exactly, like it's a lot of stuff building but this is IT for me !!! haha

 

[pumpkins334234]

It's a tough situation. I am curious how old you are. You don't have to say, but I'm assuming you are younger.

There are all sorts of routes friendships can take. Personally, my closest friends are all people I met in my mid 20s (I'm 31). I'm still in touch with some high school friends, but they aren't my go-tos for support anymore. Interestingly, I'm not in touch with anyone I was friends with between 18~23. I never "cut off" any of these people, we just moved on to different things over time. Every now and then one of them will send me something on linkedin or my phone will show me an old picture of them and I'll feel nostalgic, but not resentful or regretful.

The truth is, I have changed a lot as a person. It's not their fault. My values and personality have just shifted. The old me isn't completely gone, but what was a great friendship match before is now only above-average. It's okay. A bit sad, but a part of life.

I think it's okay if you reduce contact, but I see no reason to burn the bridge. It seems like they are ready to move on from the friendship as well, or at least not putting their fair share in emotionally.

thanks for your reply :)
I am exactly 20

I know it's kind of an immature thing to get upset about haha. Probably in ten years or so I won't even remember their name or face. I look forward to that. I hope that I'll meet people in my mid twenties. I'm just not very good at making friends or meeting people. I know it's natural to grow apart, and I guess that's what I'm doing. It's unrealistic to expect to stay friends with the same person for my entire life.

I like what you said about nostalgia, I want to view our friendship with good memories and not have any resentment. I think I'll just gradually reduce contact, I think we've just changed a lot as people.