Just to state it: I chose off-topic on purpose for this question. I want an unbiased evaluation of my situation. Certain member(s) would call my friends either vile, selfish or disgusting for the fact that they don't want that one of their closest friends commits suicide. And some recovery posts also have their own spin.
My friends wrote me such a cute message today. I had to cry and it comforted my soul knowing I have them at my back. I was once again delusional that a woman would have fallen in love with me. I have an extremely strong desire for a partner and my patholigies i.e. love paranoia ruined everything thus far. Even elaborating now on it makes me very suicidal. I think inter alia a narcissistic injury which is semi irrational (increased by my illness) is responsible for my acute suicidality.I have such a guilty conscience for burdening them with my suicidality. I don't want to be a burden on some issues. I don't want to see how me and my family are imprisoned in poverty but I cannot handle college much longer. I have a very strong desire to kill myself. But if I had better options (I already explored all of them) I would choose to live.
I have ordered SN recently and tomorrow it will be delivered presumably. I have a lot of friends. 3 are in my closest circle but one of them cannot deal with my suicidality. So only two remain. I have the feeling I am close to the edge. They want that I go to a clinic (or at least suggested it in a very polite way). The clinic I would go to once stated "You are feeling too good for being in a clinic." One of the higher ups said that. The clinic itself is very good but my problems are longterm and cannot be solved by going in a clinic. In the last 9 years I had 6 clinic stays. I don't have much to live for. However the circumstances could deteriorate a lot if I attempt. I had to aim for a permanent death and not an half-ass attempt. My parents might get a stroke or heartattack. This is far from unlikely. My mom had two strokes in the recent past. This is my main argument against attempting. I am severely dependent on the help of my parents. It could screw the situation of my family a lot by going that step.
My method is SN and I really trust that method for myself. I am content with choosing it. Even though my heart broke when I read that message of my friends I think they would not be the reason not to do it. It is one thing to wait till my parents die but waiting till my friends die...that is really impossible for me. There will come a time where we have to say goodbye to each other. And I have the feeling postpoting my suicide would not make it much easier for them. I have to work on a paper for college. This might distract from my plans to commit suicide. I have big issues with planning my suicide and remaining productive. I am curious to learn which impact the SN at my home will have. The knowledge that I could do it anytime.
I told my friends I could wait to buy the antacid and painkillers to prevent an impulsive departure. I even consider to lie to my friends about buying the antacid. On Friday I would be able to purchase it easily. I am not sure what my stance on impulsive suicide is. I am overthinking my suicide. I spent myriads of hours thinking about it. I think an impulsive suicide might be easier for me. I want a rational suicide and impulse is not that rational. Maybe? I am not sure. I considered to do it on Sunday. And my recent major depressive episode (not sure whether it can called like that) started on Monday. However I am suicidal since a decade and I genuinely don't want to live under these circumstance which will very very likely deteriorate within the next years. I am seeing everything in slowmotion and cannot stop it. I wish I did not have to watch this movie and could skip to the end. My parent's death if I ctb would not be the worst scenario for me. Rather I survive and both or one of them dies or becomes disabled. One day will come where running away won't be possible. Why should I postpone this way longer? I speak specifically only about my life because I know the straight facts and details about it.
I received a weird message from a certain member which could be interpreted as schadenfreude about my situation. Maybe it is an alt account of someone I became enemy with. In this case I am pretty proud that this person is my enemy because feeling schadenfreude about someone's suicide is despicable and proves that this person is scum whose family should be ashamed about him or herself. Could also be paranoia though.
I would hope that the clinical staff would take me more serious after an attempt. But it is rolling the dice. And I don't like that. Rationally it is probably more likely that my parents health declines in a very drastic way. I am so scared about that. I have the feeling I am close to my pain limit. If something major happened this might be it. I cannot handle more pain. Really it is way too much.
My friends wrote me such a cute message today. I had to cry and it comforted my soul knowing I have them at my back. I was once again delusional that a woman would have fallen in love with me. I have an extremely strong desire for a partner and my patholigies i.e. love paranoia ruined everything thus far. Even elaborating now on it makes me very suicidal. I think inter alia a narcissistic injury which is semi irrational (increased by my illness) is responsible for my acute suicidality.I have such a guilty conscience for burdening them with my suicidality. I don't want to be a burden on some issues. I don't want to see how me and my family are imprisoned in poverty but I cannot handle college much longer. I have a very strong desire to kill myself. But if I had better options (I already explored all of them) I would choose to live.
I have ordered SN recently and tomorrow it will be delivered presumably. I have a lot of friends. 3 are in my closest circle but one of them cannot deal with my suicidality. So only two remain. I have the feeling I am close to the edge. They want that I go to a clinic (or at least suggested it in a very polite way). The clinic I would go to once stated "You are feeling too good for being in a clinic." One of the higher ups said that. The clinic itself is very good but my problems are longterm and cannot be solved by going in a clinic. In the last 9 years I had 6 clinic stays. I don't have much to live for. However the circumstances could deteriorate a lot if I attempt. I had to aim for a permanent death and not an half-ass attempt. My parents might get a stroke or heartattack. This is far from unlikely. My mom had two strokes in the recent past. This is my main argument against attempting. I am severely dependent on the help of my parents. It could screw the situation of my family a lot by going that step.
My method is SN and I really trust that method for myself. I am content with choosing it. Even though my heart broke when I read that message of my friends I think they would not be the reason not to do it. It is one thing to wait till my parents die but waiting till my friends die...that is really impossible for me. There will come a time where we have to say goodbye to each other. And I have the feeling postpoting my suicide would not make it much easier for them. I have to work on a paper for college. This might distract from my plans to commit suicide. I have big issues with planning my suicide and remaining productive. I am curious to learn which impact the SN at my home will have. The knowledge that I could do it anytime.
I told my friends I could wait to buy the antacid and painkillers to prevent an impulsive departure. I even consider to lie to my friends about buying the antacid. On Friday I would be able to purchase it easily. I am not sure what my stance on impulsive suicide is. I am overthinking my suicide. I spent myriads of hours thinking about it. I think an impulsive suicide might be easier for me. I want a rational suicide and impulse is not that rational. Maybe? I am not sure. I considered to do it on Sunday. And my recent major depressive episode (not sure whether it can called like that) started on Monday. However I am suicidal since a decade and I genuinely don't want to live under these circumstance which will very very likely deteriorate within the next years. I am seeing everything in slowmotion and cannot stop it. I wish I did not have to watch this movie and could skip to the end. My parent's death if I ctb would not be the worst scenario for me. Rather I survive and both or one of them dies or becomes disabled. One day will come where running away won't be possible. Why should I postpone this way longer? I speak specifically only about my life because I know the straight facts and details about it.
I received a weird message from a certain member which could be interpreted as schadenfreude about my situation. Maybe it is an alt account of someone I became enemy with. In this case I am pretty proud that this person is my enemy because feeling schadenfreude about someone's suicide is despicable and proves that this person is scum whose family should be ashamed about him or herself. Could also be paranoia though.
I would hope that the clinical staff would take me more serious after an attempt. But it is rolling the dice. And I don't like that. Rationally it is probably more likely that my parents health declines in a very drastic way. I am so scared about that. I have the feeling I am close to my pain limit. If something major happened this might be it. I cannot handle more pain. Really it is way too much.
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