Venting My best friend has left me or is trying to ctb without having one last talk with me. Am I selfish?

[Namelesa]

I am in a lot of shock at the moment and I really felt the need to vent this now. My best friend has suddenly messaged me one last thing which suggests he is going to try to ctb or has at least left me and he has blocked me. I am no way blaming him or saying if he kills himself that he has done something wrong as we are all allowed to leave each and die if we want to. It's just it was so sudden and the fact I can't say one last thing or call him for one last time to get closure is upsetting me. I would never want to guilt him or stop him from doing that as he knows about me being pro-choice and seven being on here. He has suffered so much with lots of different mental problems and I am glad if he is able to succeed his suffering will have finally ended or if I was causing more problems for him then he should leave me. I feel somewhat abandoned that this has just happened so suddenly and that I am alone again.

If I wasn't able to kill myself then he was one of my hopes of maybe being able to get better. I don't see the point in living if I am not helping or relieving others of their suffering and forming a deep connection with someone. He was the person I have felt most close to in my whole life and has been the friendship that has lasted the most amount of time being at least 2 years. Everyone before has left me so quickly but he didn't. He didn't leave me despite being an emotional burden or the problems we had when in our romantic relationship or some of the things I have done in the past. I actually felt like we weren't going to leave each other so suddenly as we both deeply cared and had already dealt with the worst of what we had to offer. I actual started to feel secure and my fear of abandonment wasn't there for him but now that this has happened I feel like I am never going to get another close friend like this again. Everyone will leave me eventually cus I am just that worthless or to do with circumstances I can't control.

If he has just left me tho and hasn't killed himself then its entirely my fault. I caused so much of the problems that have lead us to not being able to physically see each other cus of his abusive neglectful mum's restricting me from seeing me cus of those actions. I am so terrible for the some of the things I did to him. I should of dealt with his insecurities and did what he always wanted in our relationship so he didn't get upset but me being an emotional burden couldn't take it and decided to cheat on him as a way to find a short term way to cope in that moment. I will always have something about me that makes the other person leave whether its me being an emotional burden or not being interesting enough or accidentally doing a mistake or being in such intense pain that I do something terrible to get out of it. I am just broken and undesirable and while maybe I can get friends easily, they will abandon me in the end and I can't blame them.

I would be more fine with this if I was able to easily kill myself but cus of my family trapping me I don't know if methods like SN are available to me. I am so scared now that if I am not able to kill myself soon and that I am going to live a long life of constant suffering. I have to forceful to go through this torturous life alone as no one would want to stick being with me. I am not enough for peaceful non-existence or even being able to get to a point where I can just manage through life. I genuinely think I deserve this fate cus of the amount of pain I have caused. I may not be able to escape my suffering no matter what I try to do.

I am so selfish. I deserve so much hate. I just want to die or at least settle with life that I can manage but I know I deserve this. I am really glad that if he is able to escape his suffering. Its just I don't know what to do to escape mine if I am not able to kill myself and don't have him.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry my heart breaks for you. I know that is what kept you going. I can't imagine having that one thing suddenly taken away.
I'll try not to give you any empty platitudes other than I am here if you ever want to talk

 

[DrowningWithin]

it's important to remember that your friend did care for you.

Ctb while coming a long history of suffering is also impulsive. He may not be in the right mindset to talk. It is devastating because you want to feel important and have your answers. It's clear you depended a lot on him and I'm sorry you lost someone very dear.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. I can completely understand why this is so distressing. Not that it sounds as close as your connection but, someone I chatted to here quite a bit eventually CTB without saying goodbye. That saddened me but I suppose I could also understand why.

It may not exactly be a negative reaction towards you. It may be that he's sure that he does want to go and he doesn't want to put you in the (difficult) position of trying to support him. Not so much that he thinks you might try to stop him but that the experience of being there for him whilst letting him go may be too painful for you both.

Sometimes I wonder how people manage in suicide clinics. The person dying has to watch their loved one let them go. It's got to be a distressing thing to witness for both people. I suspect a part of the person who is dying feels so worried for the person who is having to witness it.

I imagine maybe that's a complication they can't always bear to go through on top of worrying for themselves and the process. I can understand why you wanted closure though.

I think maybe some of us are beyond saving in a way- sometimes. Like, maybe other people can ease things in life a little but, to entirely change things around would be a massive feat. I'm sure this had nothing to do with you if he had a long history of issues.

I wish I knew what to say to make it feel easier but I suspect it may feel unsettling for a while. I'm sorry.