Venting My best friend blocked me without telling me why even after we talked about importance of communication in relationships

[LonelyStarrySky]

I don't know how to deal with people anymore. I have been hurt and abandoned so much that is has really started taking a toll on me. I have abandonment anxiety and anxious attachment style. I try to communicate my problems with being clingy to my friends as best as I can. That is the type of person I am. I am extremely loyal and clingy. This is where my bestie comes into play. She has meant the world to me. I treasured her dearly to the point of willing to die for her. After being abandoned and ghosted by so many people I decided that she will be my last human connection before I end it all. She was for me the last change I gave to life. I trusted her with the last ounce of my soul. I gave her my heart.

I had a discord server with just the two of us. We shared our favorite images from pinterest. We played minecraft together, and we listened to our favorite music together. It was almost my most desired relationship. Both of us clicked together so well, we had like the same aesthetics, and she herself claimed to be extremely loyal, claiming she would die for me. All of which I took to heart. We wrote regularly to each other, our struggles with loneliness and depression and her struggle with her looks which I tried reassuring her that she was indeed not ugly. Because I truly believed she was beautiful. I communicated to her my abandonment anxiety and she was rather very understanding and related those struggles with me. Which comforted me, and she kept reassuring me how she loved me and we will stay friends together. She even told me that disagreements might come up in our relationship but we will solve them by communicating about them with each other because we get along so well together. This comforted me and I truly believed her what she said. I showed her my true self and let my guard down. However this all had changed one night not too long ago. We chatted up till 2 in the morning together, like we do sometimes. We often tend to go lovely dovey with each other. And other time we trash on this society and its norms which harmed both of us. It got pretty late and we both ended up tired. After finishing it I felt pretty happy with it and slept soundly. Then the next day I was waiting for her to show up. And since I am always on discord, I noticed that my friend's nickname wasn't showing up. I checked her and saw that I can send her a friend request. At first I thought it was a glitch, I restarted discord and it remained. I could not send her messages and she left the server. I immediately panicked. My worst fear became true. I literally though that I was not seeing reality I started shaking so much and my stomach hurt so bad I almost vomited my guts out. My heart felt like it had been impaled with a sharp stake. What happened between us? I was so shaken that I created another account trying to contact her, and ask her what happened to give me a response, after all we already promised each other that we will communicate everything to one another. She immediately blocked that account. I was out of my mind, probably even gone too far with creating another account and might have not given her enough space to breathe. That night I could not sleep I was shaking out of fear. I could not cry but I was barely breathing. At that moment I felt so shaken I wanted to self harm I restrained myself as hard as I could because I believe it was a miscommunication and she was in a mental episode and she was overthinking everything. Which held me back from cutting myself. But it could not stop my nails from scratching my arm anyways. That night the only thing that would get me to sleep was the thought of suicide. It comforted me and helped me calm down. I already had a text document of suicide methods saved on my USB that I haven't checked in a long while because I saved it for the when the worst comes to pass. And I had no other options. At that moment I felt like hitting the emergency button. I went on this forum again and started browsing it while I could not sleep. It somehow calmed me down. Knowing I can escape this hell. I will still hold onto this life for a while because I believe she was in a mental episode and blocked me because of some overthinking in her head. And my message might help me bring her back. I hope she will miss all the moments we spent together and come back to me. If she does not come back to my welcome embrace once again, I will proceed with my backup option. Could not handle this suffering anymore.

I just don't understand this thing.
Why would I live in this world with this longing for a deep human connection, a heart that can feel pain and attachment to people. Why would I be so deeply attached to a person only to have them leave me behind, and rejected, ignored and thrown into trash like it didn't matter to them at all. Only to never be able to have that connection to another human. But that emotional connection is not something I want, it something that is crucial to my well-being. If I don't have a connection it will make my life all the more miserable. So why continue with this misery? I know some people may say
"oh this just how humans are, its how society functions, welcome to reality, gotta deal with it, its just on you for thinking like this, perspective"
and other meaningless words I am tried of hearing. Just because this careless and cold approach works for normies doesn't mean that all humans are like that. There are real people like me who exist in this world. We are the ones hurt the most by those fake social norms. We have to bear the weight of what this society has done to human relationships. And I am tired with all of that. This is my story.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful, I hate how many humans just create even more suffering, humans certainly can be far too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I don't know how to deal with people anymore. I have been hurt and abandoned so much that is has really started taking a toll on me. I have abandonment anxiety and anxious attachment style. I try to communicate my problems with being clingy to my friends as best as I can. That is the type of person I am. I am extremely loyal and clingy. This is where my bestie comes into play. She has meant the world to me. I treasured her dearly to the point of willing to die for her. After being abandoned and ghosted by so many people I decided that she will be my last human connection before I end it all. She was for me the last change I gave to life. I trusted her with the last ounce of my soul. I gave her my heart.

I had a discord server with just the two of us. We shared our favorite images from pinterest. We played minecraft together, and we listened to our favorite music together. It was almost my most desired relationship. Both of us clicked together so well, we had like the same aesthetics, and she herself claimed to be extremely loyal, claiming she would die for me. All of which I took to heart. We wrote regularly to each other, our struggles with loneliness and depression and her struggle with her looks which I tried reassuring her that she was indeed not ugly. Because I truly believed she was beautiful. I communicated to her my abandonment anxiety and she was rather very understanding and related those struggles with me. Which comforted me, and she kept reassuring me how she loved me and we will stay friends together. She even told me that disagreements might come up in our relationship but we will solve them by communicating about them with each other because we get along so well together. This comforted me and I truly believed her what she said. I showed her my true self and let my guard down. However this all had changed one night not too long ago. We chatted up till 2 in the morning together, like we do sometimes. We often tend to go lovely dovey with each other. And other time we trash on this society and its norms which harmed both of us. It got pretty late and we both ended up tired. After finishing it I felt pretty happy with it and slept soundly. Then the next day I was waiting for her to show up. And since I am always on discord, I noticed that my friend's nickname wasn't showing up. I checked her and saw that I can send her a friend request. At first I thought it was a glitch, I restarted discord and it remained. I could not send her messages and she left the server. I immediately panicked. My worst fear became true. I literally though that I was not seeing reality I started shaking so much and my stomach hurt so bad I almost vomited my guts out. My heart felt like it had been impaled with a sharp stake. What happened between us? I was so shaken that I created another account trying to contact her, and ask her what happened to give me a response, after all we already promised each other that we will communicate everything to one another. She immediately blocked that account. I was out of my mind, probably even gone too far with creating another account and might have not given her enough space to breathe. That night I could not sleep I was shaking out of fear. I could not cry but I was barely breathing. At that moment I felt so shaken I wanted to self harm I restrained myself as hard as I could because I believe it was a miscommunication and she was in a mental episode and she was overthinking everything. Which held me back from cutting myself. But it could not stop my nails from scratching my arm anyways. That night the only thing that would get me to sleep was the thought of suicide. It comforted me and helped me calm down. I already had a text document of suicide methods saved on my USB that I haven't checked in a long while because I saved it for the when the worst comes to pass. And I had no other options. At that moment I felt like hitting the emergency button. I went on this forum again and started browsing it while I could not sleep. It somehow calmed me down. Knowing I can escape this hell. I will still hold onto this life for a while because I believe she was in a mental episode and blocked me because of some overthinking in her head. And my message might help me bring her back. I hope she will miss all the moments we spent together and come back to me. If she does not come back to my welcome embrace once again, I will proceed with my backup option. Could not handle this suffering anymore.

I just don't understand this thing.
Why would I live in this world with this longing for a deep human connection, a heart that can feel pain and attachment to people. Why would I be so deeply attached to a person only to have them leave me behind, and rejected, ignored and thrown into trash like it didn't matter to them at all. Only to never be able to have that connection to another human. But that emotional connection is not something I want, it something that is crucial to my well-being. If I don't have a connection it will make my life all the more miserable. So why continue with this misery? I know some people may say
"oh this just how humans are, its how society functions, welcome to reality, gotta deal with it, its just on you for thinking like this, perspective"
and other meaningless words I am tried of hearing. Just because this careless and cold approach works for normies doesn't mean that all humans are like that. There are real people like me who exist in this world. We are the ones hurt the most by those fake social norms. We have to bear the weight of what this society has done to human relationships. And I am tired with all of that. This is my story.

I feel sadness reading your story.

It happened to me once with a friend I met online during the pandemic. He blocked me on all social media, and I felt depressed.

The human mind is very complex. It's impossible to enter the minds of others to know what's really going on.

I would like to believe that she will come back one day. It would be completely strange to see someone who cared about you so much suddenly abandon you.

I've even thought that she might have done it for another reason. There's a possibility she distanced herself from you due to social pressure, although that's just one of a thousand reasons.
In my case, I thought my friend blocked me because his family thought I was a bad influence and due to the age difference (he was 13, and I was 18). Unfortunately, I never knew the truth.

Going back to your story, I hope it was all a misunderstanding, and she comes back soon.
If not, there's no choice but to endure the pain and decide what to do with your life.
You can try to meet someone to fill the void she left, or, on the other hand, you have the freedom to do whatever you want with your life to eliminate that suffering, even if it involves CTB.

Take care!

 

[SmollMushroom]

Sometimes people act without thinking.
Sometimes they have good reasons but we cannot grasp them.
I've been recently blocked by my ex therapist after he decided not to continue our relationship. He cut ties completely even tho he knew my situation and the fact that I am suicidal.
In reality, we are all human beings with individual tastes, preferences, mindsets and thoughts and we are not always compatible one another. I'm not saying it's your specific case, but as a general approach to socialization I think it's important to understand that.

 

[not_actually_human]

I'm so sorry. Abandonment fears/bpd here as well and I'm regularly terrified at the thought of being abandoned by someone who comes to convince me that they'll love me and keep me safe.
Those are the only irrational death-like-affliction causing episodes for me now, mostly.
I read your introduction as well.
If you feel it'd improve things to have someone comfort you, please hit me up. My moods change a lot but I can be nurturing and affectionate.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello.
That is very sad. Unfortunately there are cowardly people who don't even dare to "show their faces" even on the internet, I guess it's easier for them to just disappear, no matter what, it's no excuse, at least you deserved an explanation, whatever and a goodbye. It is very cruel. If we have a friendship we must take responsibility as a adults and if we want to end it for whatever reason, at least it costs nothing to say hey I don't want to continue with this or something like thats.
I wish you good luck.