I'm currently 25,
The first time I seriously considered taking my life was at 17, when I almost hung myself but decided to not jump, I was content back then just knowing I could do it whenever I wanted to; forward to when I was 18, I had applied myself for ctb by lethal injection, to no ones surprise I was denied as I didn't meet the requirements; shortly after that I tried to OD by taking over 30pills, a cocktail of sleeping pills and what I believe where MOA inhibitors that would cause my heart to race, I ended up telling my parents what I had done, not out of regret, but out of pride, I was proud about what I had done, I proceeded to drink an entire 70cl bottle of booze straight after and blacked out; over 24 hours later I awoke in the ER with a heartrate of over 200bpm, to no ones surprise my parents had instantly called an ambulance for me despite at the time not even having believed I had actually done what I claimed to have, in the ambulance they had fed me activated charcoal, I still wonder if I hadn't been so stupid as to tell my parents back then if perhaps I would finally have been out of this life... quick forward the next couple years, being on a mix of different anti depressants and antipsychotics, at one point I was pretty neutral about being dead or alive; however at this point in my life at 25 I have regressed to once again wishing I was ctb.
About a month ago I had another attempt at my life, in the moment itself I felt amazing, it was as if I had entered a Zen state, my mind being completely quiet for the first time in my life with ADHD, a feat no amounts of antipsychotics had ever achieved before; I took a scalpel I had been hiding ever since I was 18 and jammed it super deep into my neck with a puncture incision pointed blade, this was completely painless and no worse then getting a needle prick, the area was only sore hours later, however I had apparently completely missed my carotid and just ended up cutting into the muscle, I believe I inserted it too far back and had to be closer towards the front, I reckon I missed it by a mere centimeter, for some reason I decided that I would take that attempt as just edging and getting comfortable, and not course correcting to attempt again at that time, forward to just after that, my head was back to normal and I contacted my psychiatrist for an emergency consult and I went to see her that evening and told her what I had done, shortly after I was admitted into a psychiatric ward in the hospital, however I soon left after less than a week as I was feeling better and had convinced the doctors I was not in the mood to try "stupid things" again, which was true at the time, forward only a week or 2 and I'm back into the black hole of depression and wish to attempt again, I ended up finding this website and found tons of useful advice, I also read a post talking about how people had a gut instinct when they where at the end of their lives or when a big change was about to happen, and I highly relate to this comment, my gut feels like I am at a turning point in my life, I have been debating getting lost in super high doses of psychedelics as I can easily acquire them online, or even take the train to Amsterdam and acquire them legally from stores; what tempts me about these substances is the stories you hear about people having life altering experiences when taking them, part of those stories give me hope that maybe my mind can change, however unlikely.
Until I make up my mind on what choice to make, I will proceed spending my days in misery trying to distract my mind from the inevitable call of the void.
I just posted this to vent and am intrigued as to what people have to say, this forum makes me feel like there is one safe place where people will not look at me in utter disgust when mentioning ctb.
The first time I seriously considered taking my life was at 17, when I almost hung myself but decided to not jump, I was content back then just knowing I could do it whenever I wanted to; forward to when I was 18, I had applied myself for ctb by lethal injection, to no ones surprise I was denied as I didn't meet the requirements; shortly after that I tried to OD by taking over 30pills, a cocktail of sleeping pills and what I believe where MOA inhibitors that would cause my heart to race, I ended up telling my parents what I had done, not out of regret, but out of pride, I was proud about what I had done, I proceeded to drink an entire 70cl bottle of booze straight after and blacked out; over 24 hours later I awoke in the ER with a heartrate of over 200bpm, to no ones surprise my parents had instantly called an ambulance for me despite at the time not even having believed I had actually done what I claimed to have, in the ambulance they had fed me activated charcoal, I still wonder if I hadn't been so stupid as to tell my parents back then if perhaps I would finally have been out of this life... quick forward the next couple years, being on a mix of different anti depressants and antipsychotics, at one point I was pretty neutral about being dead or alive; however at this point in my life at 25 I have regressed to once again wishing I was ctb.
About a month ago I had another attempt at my life, in the moment itself I felt amazing, it was as if I had entered a Zen state, my mind being completely quiet for the first time in my life with ADHD, a feat no amounts of antipsychotics had ever achieved before; I took a scalpel I had been hiding ever since I was 18 and jammed it super deep into my neck with a puncture incision pointed blade, this was completely painless and no worse then getting a needle prick, the area was only sore hours later, however I had apparently completely missed my carotid and just ended up cutting into the muscle, I believe I inserted it too far back and had to be closer towards the front, I reckon I missed it by a mere centimeter, for some reason I decided that I would take that attempt as just edging and getting comfortable, and not course correcting to attempt again at that time, forward to just after that, my head was back to normal and I contacted my psychiatrist for an emergency consult and I went to see her that evening and told her what I had done, shortly after I was admitted into a psychiatric ward in the hospital, however I soon left after less than a week as I was feeling better and had convinced the doctors I was not in the mood to try "stupid things" again, which was true at the time, forward only a week or 2 and I'm back into the black hole of depression and wish to attempt again, I ended up finding this website and found tons of useful advice, I also read a post talking about how people had a gut instinct when they where at the end of their lives or when a big change was about to happen, and I highly relate to this comment, my gut feels like I am at a turning point in my life, I have been debating getting lost in super high doses of psychedelics as I can easily acquire them online, or even take the train to Amsterdam and acquire them legally from stores; what tempts me about these substances is the stories you hear about people having life altering experiences when taking them, part of those stories give me hope that maybe my mind can change, however unlikely.
Until I make up my mind on what choice to make, I will proceed spending my days in misery trying to distract my mind from the inevitable call of the void.
I just posted this to vent and am intrigued as to what people have to say, this forum makes me feel like there is one safe place where people will not look at me in utter disgust when mentioning ctb.
