Story My Attempt

[Mea Culpa]

So ive been attempting since the beginning of October. Full Suspension hanging. I ran tests, practiced, made sure everything was good, that it'll work, what adjustments that needed to be made. All it came down to, was trying.

So for a while, I was pretty much just attempting any and all days I could. Then it came around to maybe the first or second week of November. I got into position. It was particularly a bad day, so I was very emotional. Crying quite profusely. I made my way to try to step off my platform, but one of my usual struggles was just getting both feet off. I try to step down instead of kick from under me so i still have something to step back on if i were to try to change my mind during. I dont know if that would work but its something.

So I'm here, crying my eyes out, trying to step off, and I feel my rope getting tighter. It was getting hard to breathe, I was beginning to choke as well as feel like vomiting. In a panic, I undid my anchor and then had to cut the rope off because I couldn't get the knot undone. I grabbed a knife and looked in the mirror to see where the rope is and cut it.

For the first time when I saw my face, it actually changed color. My face was blue, especially my lips. Once I got the rope off, I sat there on my bed, took some breaths and thought if that was an indicator that I was close. I immediately felt ashamed that I didnt just let was happening happen. I felt like a coward, and it spun me down more. The attempts after.. werent as close or like what that was. Now with the holiday rush, it's been almost impossible to try.

I'm hoping once it's all done, I can start trying again. I dont know if I did something right or wrong that day, if that was all supposed to happen, but I'm hoping that I can try again and go through it.

 

[Utanoderedere]

I feel your struggle, even through the screen and your text I understand how bad you feel. I wish a successful attempt in your future, I apologize you've been through this. best of luck, cheers.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, I wish that it's more straightforward to cease existing. It's cruel to me how people cannot just have the option to die in peace and have to resort to methods like that in the first place.

 

[ropearoundatree]

That's okay. It'll happen, when it's meant to happen, if it's meant to happen...

 

[Sandy9]

I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying. I wish you eventual freedom from your suffering.

 

[rozeske]

Am so sorry you went through that, it sounds horrifying. I hope you will eventually find your peace quick and painlessly. Beating SI is very hard especially if you have doubts and are not 100% sure. I hope you will catch your bus when your time is right.
Full suspension is terrifying if you can't manage to fall unconscious quick. Panick and the need to breath and the need to remove the rope will be quite high. Maybe you can look into partial hanging?

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I hope you can find your peace soon. I can't imagine how this attempt made you feel :( I hope things at least get easier in the meantime. Much love

(love your username btw)

 

[Mea Culpa]

Thank you all for your kind words, it means allot during these holiday seasons. It makes me happy to be here with people who understand