Story My actions are catching up.

[lastexit717@proton.]

I have a perfect life , im on my 30's and sorrounded by friends and loving parents.
My significant other was the purest woman you can imagine , she was just made of love , then she dies during the pandemic at the age of only 27 , i was not by her side , we lost some contact because she move up with her family abroad to be a little safer from the Covid, and yet an unrelated illnes take her , i didn't insist in be by her side, she said "im ok" and i say "ok then its all cool" , i was cool with that because i though i would see her again after the pandemic has passed but i was wrong .
WORST THAN THAT : During her illness i abandoned a cat she used to love , a friend of mine rescue the cat but i feel like the worst trash ever , and thats just the beggining , i did worse but my heart burns when i write my deeds, and now i think i will pay soon and i rather die-
I pray for fogiveness everyday , i cant eat , i cant sleep , please someone tell me that praying works, that somohow i can feel some warmth in my heart at least so i can sleep a full nigth and start working again.
Sorry for the bad english, i just wanted to vent, you people are so strong , i was never abused , i was never hurt , i fucked myself good with no help, i was blessed and i cursed myself.

 

[cath55555]

there's nothing I can probably say that will help, as I know myself that grief is an unruly and horrible thing. but for what it's worth, I'm very sorry for your loss. it sounds like you have been through alot recently, and I hope that if you're able and want to, that you are taking care of yourself.

 

[Raindancer]

I am very sorry for your loss and pain. You can literally feel it reading your words. I do believe prayer helps. You are already forgiven. Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things we do, she has already forgiven you. Be kind towards yourself. Most of the time we do the best we can in the given situation. I hope you can find peace.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

there's nothing I can probably say that will help, as I know myself that grief is an unruly and horrible thing. but for what it's worth, I'm very sorry for your loss. it sounds like you have been through alot recently, and I hope that if you're able and want to, that you are taking care of yourself.

Thanks =) , i dont feel like ive been through a lot because when it happens i was numb and took it as it is , crying a little but doing little else , i also feel nothing when i abandoned the cat , its only recently in ligth of new tribulations that i realize how much of an asshole i was , im scared of the future .

I am very sorry for your loss and pain. You can literally feel it reading your words. I do believe prayer helps. You are already forgiven. Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things we do, she has already forgiven you. Be kind towards yourself. Most of the time we do the best we can in the given situation. I hope you can find peace.

Thats what i read , that im already forgiven but my heart is a mess , i give up all hope for any future realtionships or love i really dont care for that anymore i can live alone, i would give all just for peace of mind and peace in my heart , she was such an angel , she knew she was dying years before and she choose me to be with her and i fail her and betray her , the image of the cat alone in the rain haunts me every nigth , im that country that was supossed to be the heaven of Nembutal but now is regulated , im scared i want to end it all.
Thanks for your kind words, i feel like im collecting little embers to warm my heart but its so hard.