I stumbled upon this site a couple of days ago. I have a lot going on in my life and none of is good nor bad, it just is. I have family members who preach and I have family members who ignore the problem. I've decided to post in order to see that If I get all my thoughts out it may help me get my last little bit of hesitation out.
I came on here because I was looking at ways in order to end my life and there were a few things that really caught me off guard. First of was the post called "Breeders" - which I felt very attacked to be a said "breeder" I have 4 children who I love dearly, and when I got pregnant with my first 18 1/2 years ago I used to rub my belly and tell her, "It will be alright, if I do anything in this lifetime that's worthwhile it will have been to raise you to enjoy the life your given and not let anything or anyone stop you from reaching your goals". She's now graduated high school with honors, has a scholarship for first year university, loves musical theatre, as well as performs in it, even though unfortunately she still is a bit naive. But that naiveté gives me pleasure to see. It means that she hasn't had to experience how god-awful this world truly can be, and the nastiness that she has experience, it hasn't affected her love to keep on living. In my mind's eye, I succeeded in doing what I promised to her while she was in-utero.
The only thing keeping me from going through with my plans has been those 4 children. The oldest, as i've just stated, is pretty much set on. Do I believe that me leaving her will affect her in a way that will take her away from her path, possibly but I have faith that I have done all that I can to ensure that she understands that I am ill, and have been ill for a very long time. She has become extremely independent and doesn't depend on others for her emotional well-being. My second, from the same father, unfortunately has spent the last 10 years living in proverbial cage, due to his ADD his dad controls every aspect of his life, and if he gets out line he is treated as if he were a prisoner in the SHU. I have tried several times to bring him home, but it's difficult to get custody when the father does everything possible to manipulate others and make me look as a horrible parent because he is a narcissist, and god-forbid somebody thinks ill of him. He is currently remarried and his wife is about to open her own law-firm; they have the means and funds to make my 2nd disappear and blame all the issues on a poor 14 yr old that were all caused by his own father. But at 19 how was I to know better.
I then turned around and had 2 more children, the 3rd one is like me, he suffers from severe depression, gender dysphoria and is a loner. His wish is to live on an island somewhere by himself.
The issue is my youngest. At 7 year old his intelligence is unbelievable, able to interpret and comprehend ideologies that should not be possible. I try to maintain my distance with him because no matter what I do he seems to know what's really going on and it has caused him to become extremely attached to me and say things to me that make it very difficult for me to CTB. He refuses to sleep in his own bed, leaving me to go anywhere causes him to give me this stare that see's right through me. He is who I truly worry about will be affected the most when I finally have to leave; as I am the reason that they live in the way they do.
Due to the fact that people don't like me, even though I've asked and none of them can even come up with a reason, it's a sense that i bring out in people. It's fine. I don't personally need people to like me, I prefer my solitude but I had hoped that I could stay under the radar long enough to enjoy part of my life with the 4 people who do love me unconditionally and I them, but its become that the longer I am around the longer they suffer. Because life doesn't just attack me, it attacks every portion of my life. The only way for me is to fall off the grid completely, live in a log cabin with the 3 kids and just enjoy the rest of my days. But isolating them isn't fair, they did not ask to be brought into the world to be treated like this and I didn't think for one iota that the hatred for me would roll down to them. I honestly thought that my life would leave them alone. Allow them to be happy, but then that would have given me some sense of happiness and that couldn't happen.
At 10 I started staying home with massive stomach aches, turned out to be ulcers, all due to the bullying I was receiving at school. I would grab a book stay as close to the door as I could but the others would go out of their way to ensure that I knew they were there at all times and ready to make me cry and hurt me at every turn. I changed schools every 2 years if not more often, I'm sure a lot of you have the same story. My parents were no better. My mom's nickname for me was snotty little shit, and "how can someone so smart be so stupid all the time", my dad is one of those dad's that have no backbone and did exactly what she wanted. So even though she would order the abuse, he would follow like a good little soldier. I don't blame my dad more than him feeling so manipulated by her that he felt he had no other choice.
I know I'm not writing anything that many on here haven't felt similar, if not worse. I could go into details into the whole looking for love in all the wrong places, using my body to garner favor wherever I could, I can't even speak with someone from the opposite sex now w/o knowing that if I were to sleep with them I would never hear from them ever again.
A few years back a guy came into my life. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was in that spot in my life where I thought maybe my mind was making me see things that weren't really there, and not everyone is out to get to me (Thanks CBT). Convinced me to allow this person into my life where he would rape me every night while my children slept peacefully unknowingly in the next room. I wont tell you how I got rid of him, I'm ashamed to say I used my child as a shield thinking that he wouldn't dare do anything if my son, whom I said was ill, was in the bed. Needless to say, I could've ended up in prison that night had he chose to contact the police. Since then I don't allow anyone near me, because I know the only thing these people want is sex, control, manipulation of me. I have never met one person who truly just wants to be a friend and hasn't at any point used information against me in some way or another. My younger's 2 dad contacted my older 2's dad and told him lies that I would beat the children in order to get assistance in getting custody of the children because he himself wasn't capable of doing it, he basically tried to get the father of my older two to help him get custody. Several months later, his new baby mom called me in distress he had kidnapped his newborn daughter with his mother and they had planned to take off to the East Coast.
In the end, the particulars of what happened in my life doesn't matter, it could take any shape, and the results were the same. Its the fear of waking up the next day and wondering who or what am I going to have to put up with. In the end I just want peace. I want people to forget I exist so that they no longer have a target. I want to just not wake up. I contacted one of those Recovery links and asked outright, what happens with my children once I complete the act. Where do they go. Especially my youngest, he deserves the best out there and I am unsure on how to proceed in getting him an adoption with a family that I know will cherish him and see what type of potential he has. The other three are survivalists, they've had to be living with me. My anxiety completely immobilizes me and meeting basic needs are herculean feats for me. So I know I have to stop making my children suffer and I have to CTB sooner rater than later. I guess I wrote this out to be able to perhaps work out some other ideas so that I can continue with my plan that by the end of this year I will be moving on.
I came on here because I was looking at ways in order to end my life and there were a few things that really caught me off guard. First of was the post called "Breeders" - which I felt very attacked to be a said "breeder" I have 4 children who I love dearly, and when I got pregnant with my first 18 1/2 years ago I used to rub my belly and tell her, "It will be alright, if I do anything in this lifetime that's worthwhile it will have been to raise you to enjoy the life your given and not let anything or anyone stop you from reaching your goals". She's now graduated high school with honors, has a scholarship for first year university, loves musical theatre, as well as performs in it, even though unfortunately she still is a bit naive. But that naiveté gives me pleasure to see. It means that she hasn't had to experience how god-awful this world truly can be, and the nastiness that she has experience, it hasn't affected her love to keep on living. In my mind's eye, I succeeded in doing what I promised to her while she was in-utero.
The only thing keeping me from going through with my plans has been those 4 children. The oldest, as i've just stated, is pretty much set on. Do I believe that me leaving her will affect her in a way that will take her away from her path, possibly but I have faith that I have done all that I can to ensure that she understands that I am ill, and have been ill for a very long time. She has become extremely independent and doesn't depend on others for her emotional well-being. My second, from the same father, unfortunately has spent the last 10 years living in proverbial cage, due to his ADD his dad controls every aspect of his life, and if he gets out line he is treated as if he were a prisoner in the SHU. I have tried several times to bring him home, but it's difficult to get custody when the father does everything possible to manipulate others and make me look as a horrible parent because he is a narcissist, and god-forbid somebody thinks ill of him. He is currently remarried and his wife is about to open her own law-firm; they have the means and funds to make my 2nd disappear and blame all the issues on a poor 14 yr old that were all caused by his own father. But at 19 how was I to know better.
I then turned around and had 2 more children, the 3rd one is like me, he suffers from severe depression, gender dysphoria and is a loner. His wish is to live on an island somewhere by himself.
The issue is my youngest. At 7 year old his intelligence is unbelievable, able to interpret and comprehend ideologies that should not be possible. I try to maintain my distance with him because no matter what I do he seems to know what's really going on and it has caused him to become extremely attached to me and say things to me that make it very difficult for me to CTB. He refuses to sleep in his own bed, leaving me to go anywhere causes him to give me this stare that see's right through me. He is who I truly worry about will be affected the most when I finally have to leave; as I am the reason that they live in the way they do.
Due to the fact that people don't like me, even though I've asked and none of them can even come up with a reason, it's a sense that i bring out in people. It's fine. I don't personally need people to like me, I prefer my solitude but I had hoped that I could stay under the radar long enough to enjoy part of my life with the 4 people who do love me unconditionally and I them, but its become that the longer I am around the longer they suffer. Because life doesn't just attack me, it attacks every portion of my life. The only way for me is to fall off the grid completely, live in a log cabin with the 3 kids and just enjoy the rest of my days. But isolating them isn't fair, they did not ask to be brought into the world to be treated like this and I didn't think for one iota that the hatred for me would roll down to them. I honestly thought that my life would leave them alone. Allow them to be happy, but then that would have given me some sense of happiness and that couldn't happen.
At 10 I started staying home with massive stomach aches, turned out to be ulcers, all due to the bullying I was receiving at school. I would grab a book stay as close to the door as I could but the others would go out of their way to ensure that I knew they were there at all times and ready to make me cry and hurt me at every turn. I changed schools every 2 years if not more often, I'm sure a lot of you have the same story. My parents were no better. My mom's nickname for me was snotty little shit, and "how can someone so smart be so stupid all the time", my dad is one of those dad's that have no backbone and did exactly what she wanted. So even though she would order the abuse, he would follow like a good little soldier. I don't blame my dad more than him feeling so manipulated by her that he felt he had no other choice.
I know I'm not writing anything that many on here haven't felt similar, if not worse. I could go into details into the whole looking for love in all the wrong places, using my body to garner favor wherever I could, I can't even speak with someone from the opposite sex now w/o knowing that if I were to sleep with them I would never hear from them ever again.
A few years back a guy came into my life. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was in that spot in my life where I thought maybe my mind was making me see things that weren't really there, and not everyone is out to get to me (Thanks CBT). Convinced me to allow this person into my life where he would rape me every night while my children slept peacefully unknowingly in the next room. I wont tell you how I got rid of him, I'm ashamed to say I used my child as a shield thinking that he wouldn't dare do anything if my son, whom I said was ill, was in the bed. Needless to say, I could've ended up in prison that night had he chose to contact the police. Since then I don't allow anyone near me, because I know the only thing these people want is sex, control, manipulation of me. I have never met one person who truly just wants to be a friend and hasn't at any point used information against me in some way or another. My younger's 2 dad contacted my older 2's dad and told him lies that I would beat the children in order to get assistance in getting custody of the children because he himself wasn't capable of doing it, he basically tried to get the father of my older two to help him get custody. Several months later, his new baby mom called me in distress he had kidnapped his newborn daughter with his mother and they had planned to take off to the East Coast.
In the end, the particulars of what happened in my life doesn't matter, it could take any shape, and the results were the same. Its the fear of waking up the next day and wondering who or what am I going to have to put up with. In the end I just want peace. I want people to forget I exist so that they no longer have a target. I want to just not wake up. I contacted one of those Recovery links and asked outright, what happens with my children once I complete the act. Where do they go. Especially my youngest, he deserves the best out there and I am unsure on how to proceed in getting him an adoption with a family that I know will cherish him and see what type of potential he has. The other three are survivalists, they've had to be living with me. My anxiety completely immobilizes me and meeting basic needs are herculean feats for me. So I know I have to stop making my children suffer and I have to CTB sooner rater than later. I guess I wrote this out to be able to perhaps work out some other ideas so that I can continue with my plan that by the end of this year I will be moving on.
