Story "Mr.sleep, you are not good enough"

[Dr.Sleep (Im tired)]

as some of you may know, i come from a household where knowledge is prioritized above everything. Sleep, eating, personal needs, all come second to Education. Somehow i managed to survive high school under these requirements. Now, everything is harder. I don't think i ever felt this run down over anything. I need to succeed in collage to not fuck up my life.

i don't think i have worked harder at anything in my life, and it is starting to show. I spend so much time studying that im starting to neglect things, I'm starting to become irritable. One of my flatmates was in a silly goofy mood whilst i was trying to get some book work done before i went to bed. and well, lets just say i may have handled the situation with a little too much energy. I grabbed him by the shoulders and well nearly hurt him. ( i didn't, for i don't want to be kicked out of school). I let him go, and we are both standing there. we are cool now, but it was tense at the moment.

All this suffering, just so i can make the deans list. I guess i think making the list will solve all my issues, but i think everyone knows it won't. I talked to my counselor, and she essentially said "Mr.Sleep, i simply think that you are not cut out for it". And she bitched about about how she has seen my mental state deteriorate and how my practice is not sustainable. Part of me wants to make the list just to show her that i can do anything i set my mind to, but she is right.

I guess what i am attempting to say is i am going to stick it out, power through it if you will... things will get better this summer, things will get better when i make the list. things will get better....

Right?

 

[SexyIncél]

I like Justin Sung's perspective: work on efficiency. Need to reduce time spent studying, while still getting good results. Working hard is an arms race

 

[hwaiting]

Was it your advisor or counselor? It's really terrible that a counselor, someone you pay (through tuition or private practice) to support you, would say those kinds of things. Maybe they thought it was 'the truth they needed to hear,' or some crap like that. I can 100% relate to dedicating so much time to studying that you start to neglect yourself. Something I've been trying to internalize is that your brain needs calories, it has all of these needs in order to function properly. One way I've tried to look at it is that:

When I've slept and eaten enough, then I'm at 100%. After an awful night's sleep, maybe I'm at 60%. If I hole myself up in an academic building to try and get more work done at the cost of dinner, then I'm at 75%. If both happen at the same time, then I'm basically at 35%. If I was normally able to write 500 words a day for an essay, to throw out an example, then if I haven't been taking care of myself, suddenly I can only write 175 words a day. Then I'm panicking, I stay up later to make up for lost time, and it's just a downward spiral.

Something that a lot of people advise is to ask yourself, "am I setting myself up for success?" Super corny, generally just a platitude, but it can be a really helpful way to look at things. If it's already 7:45 and I haven't eaten dinner, I just tell myself that I have to eat for 1) a break, and 2) to make sure I can be productive later.

I dunno, something I've noticed more and more is that people are creatures of habit. Sleep quality is like 40% consistency and 60% time spent sleeping, and when my sleep schedule's been a horrid mess for, I don't know, five or more years, it's overwhelming to think about reversing all of that. I used to say, "just one good week." Maybe Monday would be good, Tuesday about the same, but it always falls apart. I think taking things one day at a time is just easier to manage, and it's easier to be less hard on myself. If I mess up, I only messed up one day, rather than this huge week-long plan where I've blocked out every hour of my schedule.

I've been rambling, but I think the hardest thing about college is having to be accountable for myself. And after a decade of being a 'gifted' student in an Asian family, every minute failure compounds into furthering my self-hatred and low self-worth. And that hasn't gone away, and will probably stay with me for who knows how long. I guess you could say that, in taking things one day at a time, one hour at a time, then each productive day becomes an accomplishment and each failure is smaller and less soul-crushing. And it's easier to forgive myself since I'm literally trying to reverse a lifetime of unhealthy coping strategies and perfectionism, so of course it's going to take a while. I've just been trying not to beat myself up too much, and It's helped me some, so maybe it could help you.