Story Moving on after 14 years of madness

[Namensjemand]

So I try to make it short: Due to obesity starting in elementary school and parents who aren't bad parents as such at all but have severe psychological shortcomings with severe consequences I never learned to relate to life, reality and myself in a proper manner. Got no diagnosis but in my teenage years I must have split myself from myself and all I know is to live in a juvenile and delusional future which would begin.. now.. no now.. okay.. tomorrow. With 16 I institutiolized this pattern into what I termed "rituals". Which was me blowing up my delusional bubbles of how great, or hardworking or whatever I will be, instead of just simply facing what is what like normal and sensible people do. I did this every day. With 20 I started to involve alcohol and drugs into my rituals. With 26 I kinda settled on turning my back on the real world and got totally lost to my own sick and twisted world. With 29 I fell in love with a co-worker for the first time. That only fueled my madness. I got ever more crazy and then I had a psychotic break.

I am now 34 and it seems like I am sane and see things for what they simply are for the first time of my whole life. My rituals no longer interest me, for I see them for what they are. Things now stand for themselves.

Now I can just live and I am making an effort to do so. To me personally worst is not even my wrecked life but that my "Life Style" resulted in a substantial potency problem. I am not sure weather I am clinically impotent and there is .. some considerable cause for hope. Functionality is still there, in principle, and a girl and a healthy life may do the trick. But it also feels like the final straw and death a welcome relieve.

But am moving on for now. I kind of also feel I owe it to my parents and I .. simply can. It is doable. In my new simplified and surrendered thinking. So I'll see. But for now, life does not seem to be worth the effort. And I wouldn't mind dying.

 

[lonelywander]

How did you come to "simplified" and "surrendered" thinking? The best in your journey.

 

[Namensjemand]

Thanks.

I gave up.

For perspective: My rituals were basically my twisted and sick ego. Demanding me to be sth I could not even define. But sth special and great.. sth I did not even actually want or need, that is which was removed from my genuine sensibilities. But alluring me, pulling me in every time, with its shining lights (which was fed by the pressure of my constant suppression of parts of reality and a general manic disposition). But it was a mere mirrage, so to blind me to reality. To accept this I had to fully grasp what my mind was doing in relation to the madness. What my rituals were, not on the surface, but psychologically. Had to see it. Doing that spit me out into reality for good. And while that meant immediate CTB wish I was faced with the question of how to go on without the mental mechanisms of my madness, which I now had in full view and hence couldn't get to me anymore. That or ctb since my reallife situation also was is in great need of attention.

The only option was to just give up. I am fucked. Alright. I accept. I ruined my life, totally pointlessly but with much energy. Only shame, suffering, loneliness... all bad. So let it be bad. I just go on and see what I can do.

I knew how to do it wrong. My previous state was all about screaming thoughts and neurotic distortions of reality and lying to myself and never letting things just be and mindlessly stressing myself out and having to be this and that and not being good enough etc.

But really to me it now just feels like being normal. Like I ripped a face of madness off my face and now I just am and just totally openly observe and .. I suppose I am not afraid to see because I am ready to accept whatever.. and that genuine readiness I mean by giving up I suppose. (my mask had the face of my parents, btw, so there is that)

My psychosis was lsd-induced so NOT exactly an example to follow... but I had some intense personal and illuminating expierences and spirituell expierences and as a consequence also read a lot of stuff by Jiddu Krishnamurti. I don't believe in anything, really (by now), yet by now that stuff may have actually helped me instead of making me more crazy. Serious spirituality is all about calming your mind so to be more clearly aware of it and not so entangled into its habitual movements, not illusions as religions IMO tend to be. So there is that, also.

Planning a yoga routine to deepen the effect.