Help Mourning someone from here

[mistymoo]

How do yall cope? I promised myself I wouldn't make any friends on here but like a fuckin dumbass I did. Now shes gone and idk how to grieve. I failed her so fucking badly and the guilt is eating me from the inside out. I keep obsessively checking when she was last online as if she'll magically come back. I can't even tell anyone irl about her either.
I have pets to look after and classes today but I can't bring myself to get out of bed

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's really hard. I feel the same. I told myself I would have to accept it if someone I got closer to here went but it's still upsetting. We're only human after all. One person I knew, CTB a few years back but another just vanished. I don't know what happened there. Whether they CTB, whether they just decided to focus on their life and stop visiting the forum. Whether I offended them. I was a bit clumsy in our last message. But yeah, it's upsetting. That's the trouble really- forming any level of attachment invites in the possibility- perhaps probability of loss. I'm sorry. I suppose all we can do moving forward is make a judgement on whether it's worth it. I still kind of think it is. It's hard to live as an island entirely. I hope you at least find out what's happened to your friend. In a way, the not knowing feels worse I think. I definitely relate though. Especially the part about not being able to tell other people. Asides from people here.

 

[mistymoo]

It's really hard. I feel the same. I told myself I would have to accept it if someone I got closer to here went but it's still upsetting. We're only human after all. One person I knew, CTB a few years back but another just vanished. I don't know what happened there. Whether they CTB, whether they just decided to focus on their life and stop visiting the forum. Whether I offended them. I was a bit clumsy in our last message. But yeah, it's upsetting. That's the trouble really- forming any level of attachment invites in the possibility- perhaps probability of loss. I'm sorry. I suppose all we can do moving forward is make a judgement on whether it's worth it. I still kind of think it is. It's hard to live as an island entirely. I hope you at least find out what's happened to your friend. In a way, the not knowing feels worse I think. I definitely relate though. Especially the part about not being able to tell other people. Asides from people here.

I should have specified that she made a post saying she took SN.
Thank you so much for your response. It helps to know I'm not alone

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

My condolences to you.
I'm going through the same. We met here but spent some time together in real life, and I can't believe his gone. I knew about his plans from the start, but I guess I never believed it entirely. I miss him everyday.

I keep obsessively checking when she was last online as if she'll magically come back.

I used to do the same! I didn't want to believe it. When I saw his last post, I cried and was sad, but then refuse to believe it. Obsessivaly looked everywhere for any news about it for two days and then decided I would forget because he was probably alive. Three days after the post, I saw his friend post; "I still can't believed it". I cried so much like something inside of me was aching. And three days later I refused to believed it again. I could'nt, you know? He couldn't really be dead. He was my friend. I almost completely convinced myself that it wasn't true, that he had to be alive, I couldn't accept it. Six days after his last breath, his mom messaged me. He is really gone. And I feel so so much for her, I would give her anything if that could spare her of part of that pain. I'm so sorry for her. It's been three or four weeks, I lost count, but there is not a day that I don't think about him. It's getting easy to accept because I know it was what he wanted, he planned for months and I understand his reasons, not to mention he would be annoyed of me mourning him for too long. But it still hurts, probably always will, in a way.

I can't even tell anyone irl about her either.

I'm sorry for that, it's so heavy to handle that on our own and so angustiant not to be able to talk to someone about it. My friends are tired of hearing about him, mostly because they warned me to stay away or I'd get hurt, like I am. But my only regret is to have followed those advices in the end, because spending time with him was really great and I wanted more of that. So, not talking much about it anymore, not even to my therapist. It sucks.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Hope you can find comfort <3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

As hard as it may be to lose someone we feel connected to we have to accept their choice. Nobody makes such a drastic decision without a valid reason. We should be happy that they were relieved from their unbearable pain and suffering and respect their will.

We are humans and we don't want to lose our friends, loved ones and people we feel connected to. It's an unsolvable problem and there is no solution to it.

 

[J'sSister]

I am sorry for everyone's losses! When we grieve someone we lost to suicide it is complex grief. There is quite a bit of guilt.
But you can see that despite your own feelings about potentially ending your lives by suicide you feel sorry about the other person's suicide, and the suffering of their loved ones. You are now survivors of suicide loss. If you choose to die by suicide then some other person(s) who mourn your loss will be the survivors.

I know my brother did not really want to die; he just wanted to feel better. He wanted relief from his physical and emotional symptoms, and death was the only way he thought he could get that relief. He died 1 year ago and I am grieving. We don't get over suicide loss, we just eventually learn to live with it and the pain can lessen over time. But it can take a long time.

There are some online forums specifically for survivors of suicide loss. One is run by the group Alliance of Hope. If anyone needs another place to express how they feel about their loss that may be a possibility. You can always lurk just to check it out.

<<hugs>> to you all !!

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I failed her so fucking badly and the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

How have you failed her exactly? We are all here for the same reason - we all want to ctb. It's not your fault that she ctb-ed, she literally wanted to do it long before you became friends with her on here, that is why she was on this forum in the first place. It sucks when people leave, yes, but it's inevitable. We have to remember that everyone who's gone is at peace now, their suffering is over for good, and that is the most important thing - I hope you can find some comfort in that.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I generally avoid getting close or attached to anyone on here. The closest I've gotten to someone here recently disappeared not long after saying they had obtained supplies to CTB. I have no clue what happened to them. We never even PM'd or anything, just regularly checked up on each others posts. As much as it hurts, I know it's the nature of this site. It's the gamble you take. As much as I try to avoid building connections for this exact reason, I'm only human and when you interact with someone regularly it's bound to happen. I just have tried to remind myself that if they did CTB they were struggling immensely and had been for most of their life. This was what they wanted and after how hard they fought they deserved peace. I suppose I've almost compartmentalized it the same way I do with patient loss at work. I allow myself to feel the grief for a bit, acknowledge my human feelings about it, remind myself that sometimes death is the most peaceful solution for things and a part of everyone's life, and then I pull myself up by my boot straps and carry on. Grief is a sticky thing.

 

[nir]

I get very easily attached, even if the person and I never DM directly. Just recently I saw that a user I see everywhere took her life with SN - I've been reading through old threads and she pops up so often, always so kind and sweet, and seeing her old comments makes me feel sad and slightly ill. I think it's part of the human condition to get attached. I'm so sorry for your loss <3

 

[CatLvr]

I generally avoid getting close or attached to anyone on here. The closest I've gotten to someone here recently disappeared not long after saying they had obtained supplies to CTB. I have no clue what happened to them. We never even PM'd or anything, just regularly checked up on each others posts. As much as it hurts, I know it's the nature of this site. It's the gamble you take. As much as I try to avoid building connections for this exact reason, I'm only human and when you interact with someone regularly it's bound to happen. I just have tried to remind myself that if they did CTB they were struggling immensely and had been for most of their life. This was what they wanted and after how hard they fought they deserved peace. I suppose I've almost compartmentalized it the same way I do with patient loss at work. I allow myself to feel the grief for a bit, acknowledge my human feelings about it, remind myself that sometimes death is the most peaceful solution for things and a part of everyone's life, and then I pull myself up by my boot straps and carry on. Grief is a sticky thing.

I am fighting this battle now, following your thread. Your sh breaks my heart, but I check every morning, to see if you have somehow miraculously come to realize you have hurt yourself enough. I know. And I have taken your message (you've tried everything) to heart and respect your autonomy. But I am here to tell you you matter and an awful lot of us are going to grieve when you are no longer here with us.

 

[mistymoo]

How have you failed her exactly? We are all here for the same reason - we all want to ctb. It's not your fault that she ctb-ed, she literally wanted to do it long before you became friends with her on here, that is why she was on this forum in the first place. It sucks when people leave, yes, but it's inevitable. We have to remember that everyone who's gone is at peace now, their suffering is over for good, and that is the most important thing - I hope you can find some comfort in that.

I promise I'll answer this question either later tonight or tomorrow. I have class in a few hrs and if I talk in depth about this I'll never end up making it to classes. I'll just cry and go back to sleep again